"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." A.A. Milne

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

That Moment When Everything Changes

I hope you are good with raw and probably not edited very well because I think that this going to be my style for the foreseeable future.

A few weeks ago I started experiencing vertigo. It was fairly significant at first but soon eased off. Still something felt off. I am not one who goes to doctors very often. I have a high pain tolerance and I just figure things will sort themselves out. Hey I am relatively young and quite healthy so it will all be okay, right? But something was just off so I went.

We went over everything and it was decided I should have an MRI. Just to be on the safe side, you know. No big deal.

Well, long story short. I have a brain aneurysm. I am 42 years old and a vessel could pop in my brain at any moment and it is over. Really changes your perspective on, well everything. This morning I spent time teaching my beautiful 6 year old daughter how to contact 911 and tell them our address and they we have dogs. Of course, we have talk about this but all of sudden the lesson seemed quite pressing.

I just found out today and I am meeting with a neurologist tomorrow. I have no idea what the prognosis will be but whatever it is that is what we have to deal with. There isn't a choice. I don't like that. I find I like my choices very much thank you.

Okay, now the good stuff and my friends there are always good things to be had. I find myself tearing up because of all the beauty in my life. My friends and family have already been offering help and prayers. I am surrounded by love and that is incredible. Then my husband, oh that man, that man. I don't think I say often enough how insanely lucky I am to have him my life. Do you know the Lana Del Ray song "Young and Beautiful"? She has this amazing, heartbreaking voice reminiscent of the torch singers of yesterday. She asks in her song if you will still love me when I am not longer young and beautiful and all I have left is my battered soul. In my relationship with my husband I can answer an unequivocal yes, yes he will still absolutely love me and stand by me no matter what happens. That knowledge leaves me feeling unbelievably secure. It is a comfort that means more to me than I can properly express.

I have been a little sad because I have not had much time for art, the piano, and reading. Now I have time to spend on those pursuits and really indulge in my creativity. I have something new to explore and I am effectively grounded from physical pursuits for the time being. One door closes and another one opens. Hannah and I will have more time for chess and science experiments. Logan and I can paint together and work puzzles. There are bright sides.

My best friend had super scary life threatening cancer. She beat it and her life has been irrevocably changed for the better. There are a multitude of stories like that. I choose to find hope in them. I think so much depends on your attitude. Will you stay positive, open, and loving? Will you see this as an opportunity to learn and grow? Will you take this reminder to cherish life for the precious, fleeting gift that it is?

Yes, yes I will. To all of it, yes I will.

May harmony and peace find you and fill your hearts and lives my friends.

Friday, June 6, 2014

Bootcamp with the Universe As Your Drill Sergeant

The following is raw and unedited. I just needed to get it out and this felt like the right place. 

Lately the universe has been dealing me some body blows. Earlier this spring, I will publicly humiliated by women I didn't even know in a way the reminded me of the humiliation only junior high mean girls can dish out. It hurt. I honestly hadn't done anything and it came out of nowhere. It was, well shocking. Then an important relationship ended on an ugly note. I don't form deep friendships with just anyone. I have the impression the I have been the subject of conversations with many other people. Being picked apart by people I don't even know at the instigation of someone close feels brutal. I feel emotionally violated and hurt.

Then I was floored, literally, by an acute case of vertigo. It was disorienting but not too worrying. But there were some funny signs accompanying it so I went to a doctor. Due to the lasting headaches, the doctor has ordered an MRI. Well, to be accurate, she is now fighting my insurance for one.

I am going to be honest, I am scared. I don't overreact in general but this one hit hard. I know I am already in an emotionally vulnerable state and I am sure that is exacerbating the situation but whatever the cause, I have a pit of fear in my stomach and it sucks big blue monkey butt.

There have been some other things but those are the major ones. It is true I am having strong, negative emotions over this whole thing but it is being balanced out by an equal measure of knowing in my gut this is all happening for a reason. I feel like the universe is tearing me down so I can be built up even stronger.

All of these experiences could very easily cause me to turn into myself and shut out the world. I could allow them to form a hard shell around my heart filled with distrust, fear, and worry. I could allow them to seep into my being and define who I am.

I don't think I am going to do that.Nope, not at all.

Through these not so great experiences I have been learning humility, clarity, truth, and authenticity. I have learned to trust my inner gut and my own judgement of who and what I am. I am also learning it would be better for me to be more open and allow more people in. I know that appears to be incongruous with having my trust betrayed but I actually feel deeply it is the right choice.

So I stand here and I am going to boldly admit I am scared. But I am also strong, loved, and know a bold, fearless heart is within me to rise up and meet all comings with courage and joy.

May harmony find you my friends.