Managing Depression

This is my story. This is as authentic and vulnerable as I can probably get online. I am not writing this to tell anyone how they should do it. Nope, this is how I did it and continue to do it. If there is nothing here for you then please walk away from it and know I send you all love and peace. If something here helps you, that is wonderful.

My entire life has been an exercise in dealing with mind numbing, soul destroying clinical depression.  From the time I was very young I felt different from everyone else. I felt things deeper. I couldn't let things go. I often saw life as a bleak, dark, despairing place. I managed to hide it from most everyone but beneath my facade a pit of turmoil and heartache lurked. For years I suffered from depression.

Everything came to a head in my mid 20's. I honestly couldn't take it anymore. I was having waking dreams of killing myself. My life was spun out of control. I made horrible decisions. I am somewhat surprised I made it out of the consequences of some of those decisions alive. It was bad. I knew if I kept on the path I was going to die and soon. I wanted to live. I checked myself into a mental ward. It was the hardest decision I ever made.

That was a turning point. It was in that secured facility I discovered a glimmer of hope. I realized in a rather hazy, nebulous manner I could have control over my life. I could take action in this war with depression. It was very vague at that point but it was there.

The next two years was the beginning of the climb out of that cliched pit of despair. I took anti-depressants. I was beyond lucky I found a psychiatrist who was rather different from the norm. He believed not everyone who used anti-depressants had to be on them forever. Instead he told me I could use  them as a stop gap measure, a calming agent that would allow me to learn coping skills and behavior. It would also help me have the strength to face my stuff.

Oh my friends, there was stuff to face and it sucked. It was so hard. It was uncomfortable. I took me to places of terror and fear, shame and embarrassment. Many times I said, "This is too hard!! I can't do this." But each time, sometimes after many months even over a year, I came back and got back to work. I did not want to be at the mercy of this condition. Cognitive Behavior Therapy turned out to be the best thing ever. Imagine, I who had been at the mercy of my horrific thoughts could learn and train my mind to actually choose the thoughts I want to have. I didn't have to obsessively  worry and be upset. I could learn to choose to let it go. Amazing.

The years following were hard work. I was no longer suffering from depression. I was now struggling with depression. I had a modicum of control. Don't get me wrong, in those early years control was easily wrested from my hands but it was there. I was learning and growing.

Through years of practice, falling down, and starting over I have finally come to the place that I am now managing my depression. I know my triggers. I know when I have to batten down the hatches and get back to basics. My husband has been taught the signs that mean he needs to intervene. But for right now, for many years now, I have managed. I have maintained during job losses, the tragic loss of my brother and the upheaval it caused in my family, child birth, a husband travelling all the time with two babies, in short, life.

These are the keys I have found enable me to manage. I follow these with devotion and diligence. If I don't, I know the chance is extremely high I will spiral and I do not want to live like that ever again.

1. Food- I cannot stress how much what we eat affects us. I eat a wholefood vegan diet. I think the most important part is whole food but the vegan is really important to me as well. I eat very little sugar. What do I do for holidays, parties, etc? Well, I pretty much abstain because a "treat" isn't worth starting the habit that can lead down that road.

2. Exercise- Endorphins are your friend. I run 3x a week and do strength training 3x a week. These practices keep the daily stresses swept away.

3. Yoga- I have a daily yoga practice. It has been life changing. It has taken me to a whole new level of peace.

4. Meditation- This practice both clears my mind and helps me access whatever "stuff" I need to deal with. Stuff happens. It is life. Learn to deal with it quickly and efficiently and don't let it fester.

5. Sleep- I get 8-9 hours of sleep at night. I don't watch much tv and yes, I miss out on things but it is not worth sacrificing this integral component.

6. Toxicity- I refuse to deal with toxic people. I flat out refuse. This doesn't mean I turn away the dear friend who is having problems, not at all. But if you are a gossip, a chronic complainer, or any other kind of energy vampire, I have no room for you in my life.

7. I say no a lot. I put me and my immediate family first. I am not responsible for other people's feelings or emotions. I strive to live my life in a loving and compassionate manner but if you are angry because I won't do or act how you want, then that is your problem. This one actually gives me the energy to do more for others in the end.

I think that is about it. The holidays are here and that can lead to extra problems with depression.  This is my story. I reclaimed my life. It was hard and messy and I do not regret a single step. May harmony and peace find you my friends.

Lessons and Nurturing

One of the most important lessons I have been learning is how few things actually matter to me. Some time back I began to simplify my life. This manifested in a physical way as we started the process of purging our home. It has been reflected in a less tangible way through cutting back on commitments, people who are rather toxic to our family, and most importantly, a shift in perspective and priorities. Recently, these particular areas have been streamlined even further.

I find I now have two main areas of focus. The first is to take care of and love those people I hold most dear. This includes myself as I am one of the people I hold most dear. The second is to live in peace. I am finding not much else matters to me beyond these two priorities.

The first is rather broad. it extends past the obvious to keeping house (in a loose way), protecting the environment for my children's future, etc. The second one is what I have really been focusing on lately. Living in peace. I want to live in peace. What does that mean?

Ultimately for me the meaning is coming to fruition by much less confrontation. Truly, I despise confrontation. I am actually quite good at it. I can stay very focused and have great mental clarity. I can center in the moment and not be flustered. Nonetheless, I truly despise it. It leaves me feeling grimy and less than what I should be.

The practical outcome of living a less confrontational life is just letting so much more go. I honestly believe this is the best way.If you really think about it, you probably aren't going to change someone's mind on something in confrontation mode. People have strong views on organic food, war, public breast feeding, vaccines, health, really this list could go on and on. You can fuss, fight, argue and debate. In the end most people will still hold the same views and your souls will be a little more tattered. There is no purpose. If you really believe something, just live it out in your life daily. Trust me, people will notice and they will ask you questions not to fight but to learn. It is in that moment you can change minds and change the world in at least a small way.

I will still deal with confrontation if something threatens my first focus. You aren't going to mess with my kids. You aren't going to bully my best friend. You will not hurt my husband. There are times to call up the fiery dragon sleeping within all of us. We should still remain kind and compassionate. We can take care of our own and be loving and firm.

I went to an amazing yoga workshop with Thomas Fortel yesterday. He said, "Sometimes you need to be the warrior and sometimes you need to be the healer." The idea just struck me as real truth. I think most of the time we would benefit, as would the world, if we chose to be a healer.

That brings me to the nurturing part of this post. I have been going to this workshop each winter for 3 years now. Yoga is such a micro-movement practice for me. My progress is so slow, I don't see it from day to day. Even though it is slow, it is steady. Each day I progress a little more. These yearly workshops serve as bench marks for my progress. It is amazing to see the change from year to year.

Yesterday I did indeed see that I am moving into each asana with more ease and strength. That is wonderful but for me my progress in other areas matters more. Pranayama breathing used to be so hard for me. It honestly gave me a headache. Yesterday our breathing exercises filled me with energy and rest at the same time. It was amazing. However, the most important thing was I am letting go of ego. This letting go will be a lifetime of practice but yesterday, I took a couple of baby steps in the direction. My performance mattered much less. Just being there. Just learning. Just soaking in the energy from the room of yoga students was far more important. It was powerful.

Many people thing a three hour yoga session must result in a very zen state. It does but what you don't realize is that deep of practice can actually bring up some more problematic feelings. It is okay. They need to come out so you can be free of them. But it can be unsettling.

So today we are home.I am cleaning and tidying the house because it gives me great joy. I may bake cookies with the kids again because it brings us great joy and much laughter. I am not going around people. My soul is just a little worn thin which means my empathetic nature will be open and raw. The lack of boundaries would be harmful for me. Today I am nurturing myself. I am taking care of what needs to be taken care of. I am happy. I am growing. Life is very, very good.

Where I Am Today

I see it has been a long time since I have posted. The truth is my 108 Days of Mindfulness has been going extremely well. It has been a time of great growth, painful realizations to face, and a lot of reflection.  This post will probably be a bit rambly and will serve as an overview of some things I would like to write about in the coming weeks. There is much composting of thoughts and experiences going on in my brain right now. It is really a lovely time. The following are some things emerging from this experience.

My relationship with alcohol was starting to slide to a place it was becoming a problem. This was a surprise because truth be told I drink very little compared to the average American but the why I was drinking and what it did to me, well let's just say it has given me a lot to think about. 

I was allowing many not very important things to interfere with my connection to my husband and my kids. Because I was allowing these things room in my life, I found myself to be detached and distant to those I most love. I want my children's life to be filled with love, guidance, and wonderful modeling. This was not happening. 

I need a community. I need a tribe of sisters filled with women wild at heart and free of spirit. I also have some commitment issues. These two things were not working in harmony. I am working on the second to achieve the first without falling back into the I can't say no to anything mode. 

I have been overworking in my workouts and putting undue stress on my body for far longer than I realized. My own efforts to be strong and healthy were sabotaging my overall well being and health. This also led to the burnout and resulting detachment to my children and husband. 

What I eat is absolutely one of the biggest factors of my overall health, happiness, joy, peace, calm, harmony....are you getting it is rather important? 

I am on the right path simplifying my life. It is working and progress is being made. Each day I can breathe a little easier as I shed possessions,  commitments that do not enhance my life, and attachments. I am living a wild, beautiful life and it is filled with extravagant joy and abundance. 

I am continuing this commitment until January 9th, 2014. I suspect many of the changes will become permanent. I truly hope so because the result has already been wonderful. 

108 Days of Mindfulness and a Year of Nature

Recently both of my children ran to me faces glowing with wonder and excitement. It seems the sky was full of color. My 4 year old son said, "Momma, there is pink, purple, blue, and gold. Come see right now!!". We all ran outside to marvel at a stunning sunset. I love when my children grab my hand and drag me to see a luminous full moon or a delicate flower they spotted among the over grown flora. I love that they notice. It is incredibly important to me to pass  the importance of mindful detail to them.

We homeschool. Yes, it is good to teach them to read, understand math, and even how the universe works but it is more important to me to teach them how to truly live the moments of their lives. I want them to understand the true meaning of life is found in mundane details. I want them to take a quiet walk and see the life flourishing around them and be overjoyed they are in the presence of such awesomeness.

Recently I have turned a corner in my own growth. We have come through some challenges as a family. I find I really want to both celebrate and savor my beautiful, amazing life. With that in mind, I have undertaken a path consisting of 108 days of mindfulness. 108 is a sacred number to both yoga and other dharma based practices. It is in honor of the growth I have found in yoga I have chosen this number of days. This runs from September 23, 2013 through January 9, 2014. So yes, this is day 3 but I was busy being mindful the last two days.

Nature is also a huge influence on me. I can quickly become nature deprived. If I do not spend enough time in a nature setting I become easily irritated and angered. My love of the natural world is another gift I would like to give to my children. I have embarked on a mission to spend at least 1000 hours outside with my children in the coming year. I will admit, I have no desire to become mired in tracking every minute but this challenge will urge us to head outdoors more often.

Today we combined these two new facets of our lives and went on a walk in our neighborhood. It was magical.

I had to lie very quietly and very patiently to get this shot. It gave me the opportunity to really see the bees and flowers in intricate detail.

This picture captures the peace and tranquility of the park.

We are very curious about seeds right now. We looked for them on our walk. The children are just fascinated with them.

Those are hands from both of my babies.

It was truly a magical afternoon. We quietly enjoyed each other's company and took the time to really see the world around us. Oh, and we swung together on swings for the longest time. I am so grateful to have this opportunity, this life. I am so blessed with abundance. It is awesome.

To see a World in a Grain of Sand

And a Heaven in a Wild Flower

Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand 

And Eternity in an hour

-William Blake

I Am Beautiful...and That Is Good For Me To Know

This is me. I am strong, beautiful and fierce. I love how my arms look. I am completely holding up my own body weight and can do so for quite some time. The strength in my lovely shoulders, chest and back coupled with my powerful core enables me to do this. I love looking at this picture.

Perhaps my glowing terms for myself make you uncomfortable. After all, we women shouldn't really think so highly of ourselves, should we??? I mean come on self criticism and flagellation are almost to an Olympic level in our society. It seems to be expected we will totally run our appearance down and so many of us comply. I complied. Not only did I comply, I had full blown body dysmorphia. When I was more slender than the above picture, I saw a fat, bloated, ugly woman looking back at me in the mirror. I have pictures that I more resemble a skeleton than a healthy young woman. At that time I had a very small measure of relief when size 0 did not fit me because they were too big. But 5 little bitty pounds would send me into a frantic, self loathing spiral.

I am beautiful. I can say that now. I can believe that now. I embody that now.

Several years ago in the middle of a chaotic storm of metaphysical and emotional angst I threw up my hands and screamed, "ENOUGH! I do not want to live like this any more!!" I wanted to change and be happy. I want to truly know joy. Most of all I wanted to find peace and allow it to flourish and grown in my heart. Much of that journey consisted of, and still consists, of good nutrition, vigorous exercise, yoga, and meditation. I love to talk about those aspects. But there was a deeper, darker part.

I truly felt in my heart of hearts that I was an ugly, horrible person. I truly thought I was unworthy. I thought I deserved all the hardship, heartache, and yuck that filled my life. I was paying penance for a person I perceived myself to be.

I was wrong. I was so, so wrong.

I stepped back and really looked hard at who I was. Slowly I peeled away all those horrible, wrong messages laid upon my heart by a myriad of sources. I sorted through experiences and began to look back at the person I had been with grace, compassion, and love. I grieved for all the self imposed heartache I had put myself through. I cried for the destruction my self hatred had upon my precious, delicate soul. Thankfully souls are made of sterner stuff and mine was battered but still strong and hopeful.

Over the next years I learned to see myself with compassion and love. I began to treat myself with grace and warmth. I began to fall in love with the good person I was. Yep, I finally saw that I was a good, loving, and compassionate person. I was worthy of all the amazing things in my life. All of that abundance was well spent on me. I saw the beauty and wondrous nature of my soul. It was incredible. It IS incredible.

I treat myself very differently now. Yes, I still very much have flaws. I am impatient, prone to self focus, and the one I like least, I sometimes gossip. I really don't care for that one. But it is okay. I embrace the person I am right here and right now. That perspective urges me to work on those issues and grow as a person. I work on those with joy now, eager to be better and to do better.

The ability to embrace myself just as I am has given me the ability to accept others just as they are. Well, most of the time. I still struggle but it is so much easier for me now. I am more apt to see the beauty and amazing qualities of others. I see what is lovely far more readily than I see what is not as lovely. I focus on the joy and thrill of life, all life.

Then one day after avoiding the mirror for so long I looked into one. It took my breath away. For the first time I really saw that I was beautiful. Just gorgeous really. It stopped me in my tracks because it was so alien to my former way of thinking. The most beautiful thing is I can see the beauty of my spirit coming through.

I hope you see your beauty. I see your beauty. It is there. I see your goodness and how very worthy you are of joy, love, happiness, and peace.

Yes, peace lives with me now. It is always growing and expanding allowing me to deal with things in a new and more fruitful way. The coolest thing is, it can reside within you too.

May harmony and peace find you my friends.

Do I Really Mean It?

Yesterday out of the blue my husband lost his job. This came after being out of town and away from us for a week. It was the proverbial blow to the solar plexus, I must say. We have too much debt, no savings to speak of, and my grocery bill has almost doubled in the past year due to rising prices. It is scary. I am not going to lie.

But it is also an amazing opportunity to truly find out how deeply I hold my convictions and beliefs. Do I really believe happiness is choice not tied to material possession and circumstances? Do I really hold in my heart that it is better to wish good things for those who would hurt me and mine rather than to wish them ill. Have I really cultivated the peace in my heart necessary to traverse this rough and tumble storm?

Well, it is very early in this game but I think the answer to all of those questions is a resounding yes. That knowledge alone causes joy to fill my spirit and gives my heart flight. It an an amazing experience.

I am not saying I don't have those opposite thoughts. Nope, still very much human over here. But what I have learned is I have the ability to choose to not linger on a thought filled with hate and resentment. I can let it go from my mind and choose instead to focus on a gratitude. I have so very much to be grateful for each day. Even now. Especially now.

We have talked about the absolutely worst, worst, worst case scenario. The worst thing is we could lose every material possession we have. Now the likelihood of this happening is infinitesimal but hey, let's really look at the bottom line. The bottom line is, so what? So what if we lose all material things? We have our family. We have our friends. We have the skill sets and ability to care for our young children. Heck, waiting tables pays the bills if you are absolutely against the wall. Ultimately we will be just fine. Our relationship is strong and because we are both on the same page mentally, I don't see it getting anything but stronger.

I find the peace in my heart is growing rather than being depleted. I find the more I focus on joy and gratitude the more it builds. I didn't really now it worked that way. It is remarkable.

Now let's talk about the big one. I am not going to lie, I am not happy with how my husband was treated. He is a good man and the whole thing was wrong. But where do you go with that? What do you do with the situation at hand?

"Holding on to anger is like 

drinking poison and expecting 

the other person to die."

Buddha

Those words are just so unbelievably true. If I allow those feelings to fester within me it will only damage me and those I love. Anger, bitterness, and resentment do not help. They only destroy and leave chaos and tears in their wake. My family deserves better. I deserve better. 

Besides, I find I truly want good for these people. I really do. They have a lot of employees under them. There are really good people there. I want those people treated with compassion and dignity. But more so, and I am going to be honest I find this surprising, I want good for those actual people who treated my husband in such a shabby manner. Why? Well because I think we have all been there. We have all been so mired in unhappiness and misery that we don't treat others well. There is a saying and I am not sure the original author but it says, "Those who feel badly act badly." Isn't that just the truth for all of us? But I have learned to have true compassion and love for others. Well, I am still learning but it seems I have learned enough at this point to apply it. I want the best for them because I want the best for all people. I want the best for all animals too but that is a different post. 

So here we go on an adventure. I have no doubt we will look back and be utterly grateful for this bump in the road. I know what we learn and where this will take us in our lives will be so worth it all. 

So yes, I guess I do really mean it. 

May harmony find you my friends. 

What If They Don't Deserve It?

Due to recent economic factors there are many people struggling to make it financially. More people are going to food banks. More people are falling behind in bills It can be rough for people who made it just fine a few short years ago.

My family is exceptionally blessed with abundance. My husband makes a good living and his work is steady.We feel the squeeze of  increased food and energy prices but with a few cuts, we are doing okay. I want my children to understand we live a life of abundance. I am gently teaching them not all families have the privileges we do. They are learning not all families can even cover the basics.

Compassion, love of others, and doing good where we can are important lessons in our home. I don't care to raise obedient children but truly loving children. We talk about these things a lot. My 5 year old is quite perspective and insightful. She gets things. Her ability to sense underlying currents recently led to an crucial lesson for us all.

There are many people on the road ways with signs. They are say they are hungry. They say they have nothing. Is that true? I have no idea. I am not comfortable giving money for a variety of reasons. I have meant to put together some bags containing toiletries,granola bars, nuts, gloves or sunscreen (depending on the season), etc. but well, I haven't. I have two little kids and sometimes getting everyone's teeth brushed is a victory to be celebrated. So I will go to a local fast food place and buy a value meal with the condiments on the side to give to the person we saw. This is a great opportunity to talk to my children about generosity and caring for others.

Normally the food is received with gratitude and thanks. Recently, we had a different experience. He didn't want the food. He wanted money. He was insistent about it. Why? I don't know and I am not going to even go there if I can help it. I told him, I don't have money but I have food. Take it or don't. He grudgingly took it and we left.

Hannah was....concerned. She understood something was not normal. Why didn't he just take the food and say thank you? As I sat there fighting with the anger and resentment trying to take over my mood I realized it was an amazing opportunity to teach her something important and to remind myself. I believe that what you put out there is what you get back. I believe in what comes around goes around. I believe in karma.

So we talked about sometimes people don't appreciate or don't want the generosity we are offering. Maybe they just want what they want. I also told her that charity can be really hard to accept and some people act poorly because they are sad and embarrassed. But most importantly I told her none of it matters. Our karma is what we do. Their karma is what they do. We are responsible for our own. We see a need and we try our best to meet it with the best of intentions. That is all we can ever do. How it is received is out of our control. No matter what, we need to learn to have a peaceful heart and continue on to the next opportunity to do good.

This goes for so many situations. I run most Saturday mornings with a group. Our route passes by a heavily used food pantry. The people line up HOURS before it opens to get food. I have noticed some of the cars are a lot nicer than they were in the past, nicer than mine, and the quality of clothes are much better. It could be human nature to assume they are cheating the system to get something free. But we cannot know their stories. There is a good chance the trappings of their life are from a former life they can no longer afford. Maybe their high paying job disappeared over night due to the company going bankrupt. Maybe they made horrible choices with their mortgage and are now so house poor they can't feed their children. Maybe they are total scammers and want it for free when they easily could afford.

Doesn't matter, it is not our place to judge. Not only is it not our place, I would venture to say it is unhealthy and detrimental for us to judge. What will it really do? Will it punish them? Nope. Will it make them change their ways? Nope. What it will do is fill our heart with anger and resentment. Those feelings will burn through our good health and well being, scorching the peace and equinimity from our hearts and spirits.

Our karma is our karma. Their karma is their karma. We are responsible for our own.

A lesson I am teaching my children and learning myself each and every day.