I believe our strengths and weaknesses are balanced out for the most part. If we have a particularly weakness we also hold the strength to counteract it within ourselves. Sort of like the idea that most natural poisons have natural antidotes that tend to grow near them. Now I have several flaws but one in particular I want to focus on today. I do not seem to be able to self moderate.
This problem of mine concerning the inability to moderate comes up again and again. I have no control of my sugar intake. I either eat extremely well or like a dog digging the garbage that is junk food. It slaps me around quite often. But coupled with this problem I have been gifted with a fairly strong self will. Or in terms many parents (not me) fear, I am strong willed. This is a very, very good thing. I cannot moderate my sugar intake but I do have the resolve to be sugar free. I choose to eat extremely well. And so on and so forth.
How does this relate to my leaving Facebook? I have the inability to limit my time spent there and it is interfering with my life. And that is unacceptable. I cannot believe the time I have allowed myself to waste there. It is really an addiction if I am being honest.
I have noticed for some time now I am not reading as much as I would like and I have not been writing either. I have always been a voracious reader. It is a part of who I am. I love writing, be it journaling, writing letters, blogging, what have you, I love it. But I have not been doing it. Noticing my veering away from these two loves was my first clue something was wrong. It made me think, but not too deeply.
The next thing that arose was the issues I was having with quieting my mind. I have been studying yoga, meditating, doing many things in order to calm my mind and gain greater control over my thoughts and the direction of my mind. But still, there were times it just raced. I could not stop it. I ran into a suggestion to not get on the computer first thing in the morning. Lo and behold, it worked. My mind was much more calm. The days I avoided it my mind was exponentially calmer. But I was not able to avoid it every day and those days stunk.
Then there is the clue that humiliated me when it finally dawned on me. I am ashamed to admit I found my children to be irritating when they interrupted my time on the computer, specifically my time on Facebook. I cannot believe I had become so self-centered but I really had. The reason I stay home is to be with my children, not peek into the lives of my 300 plus friends and all the companies and other “likes” that go along with Facebook.
I now realize Facebook, for some people, can be one of the most narcissistic conduits out there and I fell for it. I really did. When I announced I would be deactivating my account I had many wonderful, lovely people tell me my posts were inspirational and they enjoyed them. For half a second my inner narcissistic self focused persona considered not leaving because I liked the accolades. Seriously, those thoughts shook me to the core and I was not very happy with myself. Facebook if obviously not for someone of my temperament. I hope to maintain my self imposed banishment and not succumb to the siren’s lure calling me.
Today we went and bought craft supplies to make Valentine’s for people in our lives and decorations for our house. We bought the burlap and yarn I am going to use to teach my babies needlepoint. I have pulled out the transfers so I can iron on some needlework for myself onto tea towels. I have new in the round knitting needles that are waiting to be dipped in hot water so I can turn out a new hat. I have the ingredients to make homemade yogurt and English muffins this weekend. These are the things I need to be doing. These are the things I truly WANT to be doing. I do not WANT to sit transfixed for hours as life happens around me. I think it is so very sad I allowed it to happen.
Please understand my accusations are directed solely and only to me. I know many people who can handle Facebook and other social media networks and make it work for them. I am just not one of them. So please don’t think I am passive aggressively trying to hold up a mirror to anyone. I have my hands full with my own mirror.