The following is raw and unedited. I just needed to get it out and this felt like the right place.
Lately the universe has been dealing me some body blows. Earlier this spring, I will publicly humiliated by women I didn't even know in a way the reminded me of the humiliation only junior high mean girls can dish out. It hurt. I honestly hadn't done anything and it came out of nowhere. It was, well shocking. Then an important relationship ended on an ugly note. I don't form deep friendships with just anyone. I have the impression the I have been the subject of conversations with many other people. Being picked apart by people I don't even know at the instigation of someone close feels brutal. I feel emotionally violated and hurt.
Then I was floored, literally, by an acute case of vertigo. It was disorienting but not too worrying. But there were some funny signs accompanying it so I went to a doctor. Due to the lasting headaches, the doctor has ordered an MRI. Well, to be accurate, she is now fighting my insurance for one.
I am going to be honest, I am scared. I don't overreact in general but this one hit hard. I know I am already in an emotionally vulnerable state and I am sure that is exacerbating the situation but whatever the cause, I have a pit of fear in my stomach and it sucks big blue monkey butt.
There have been some other things but those are the major ones. It is true I am having strong, negative emotions over this whole thing but it is being balanced out by an equal measure of knowing in my gut this is all happening for a reason. I feel like the universe is tearing me down so I can be built up even stronger.
All of these experiences could very easily cause me to turn into myself and shut out the world. I could allow them to form a hard shell around my heart filled with distrust, fear, and worry. I could allow them to seep into my being and define who I am.
I don't think I am going to do that.Nope, not at all.
Through these not so great experiences I have been learning humility, clarity, truth, and authenticity. I have learned to trust my inner gut and my own judgement of who and what I am. I am also learning it would be better for me to be more open and allow more people in. I know that appears to be incongruous with having my trust betrayed but I actually feel deeply it is the right choice.
So I stand here and I am going to boldly admit I am scared. But I am also strong, loved, and know a bold, fearless heart is within me to rise up and meet all comings with courage and joy.
May harmony find you my friends.