Perpetuating a Legacy

About eight and a half years ago we bought this house. The moment I walked in the door I felt this beautiful feeling of home and sanctuary. It was strange because the house was rather neglected and not in the best repair. I later found out the home had belonged to a lady well into her 90's. Her husband had built this home for her when she was a young bride. The feelings of family, laughter, and love were imbued into the walls and  expressed themselves as a tangible presence if you would quiet your mind and let them touch you.

The garden was a tangled mess. It had been years since anyone had really tackled it. But there were hints of its past. At one time loving hands had nurtured the plants and flowers gracefully guiding them to express the beauty they possessed. At one time someone who loved to garden had reigned.

We knew nothing of gardens but we jumped in with both feet. We made mistakes. We managed to get sweaty, bloody, dirty, and exhausted and usually all on the same day. Slowly but surely we have made the garden ours. My dreams of a wild English style perennial garden has finally come to fruition. My roses have taken hold and our flourishing. Wild and beautifully rampant Russian Sage fills in spaces and adds to the back drop. We have planted what I have a sneaking suspicion will be a HUGE edible garden along with a couple thriving blueberry bushes.

But you see, her garden is still there. Intermingled with our efforts are the result of work done perhaps decades ago. Not long after we bought this house, during the early attempts when we were pretty much just flailing out there, her daughter drove her by her old home. It came to me through the proverbial small town grapevine that she was pleased a young, energetic couple had bought her home and was taking care of it. That truly touched me and drove me to salvage what we could.

This is what we have saved.

These irises were bound mess. They were maybe producing five blooms because the rhizomes were so grown together. After years of determined care, nurturing, and possibly some strong frustrations, this is the result.

We didn't even know what this bush was. It was a mess. Many times we considered just ripping it out and starting over. We persevered and here is the result.

I find it beautifully symbolic to have this glorious Bridal Lace in my back yard. She came here as a new bride and so did I. There is a connections that binds us, strangers, in place and time.

I think we all want a legacy. We want to be remembered and know our work will have lasting effects. For my personal story, I have learned I can only do my best and let the rest come about in its own way and in its own time. But I can continue her legacy. She has now passed away but her work from long ago lives on in my garden.

This is my thank you to her. She provided the home filled with warmth and comfort in which I now raise my children. We make memories in the structure she and her husband created. She provided me with an amazing backdrop and palette to work with each day. I never knew her. I hear she was a lovely woman. I think one of the best things I can do in my life is to make sure her legacy lives on.

Just Enough

This was written just before we left on vacation last week. I will tell you, this worked wonders. I have never arrived or returned from a vacation more relaxed or refreshed than I did this time. 

We are preparing to go on family vacation this week. It is, for all practically intents and purposes, the first destination vacation without visiting family. We need it. We need the break with just us. Time to relax, reconnect, and just enjoy our family. I think I have my expectations under control. Another positive of living in the right now, my mind isn't off creating fantasies we can never actually create.

But this week could be the downfall of the whole thing if I let it. It is quite possible. I could stress myself out trying to prepare for our vacation. I could have myself so tied up in knots that I will have to use my vacation to decompress for self imposed stress rather than taking a much needed respite from daily life, It is of the utmost importance I do not do it. Therefore I choose to practice "just enough" this week.

I will do just enough each day to enable us to leave smoothly. I will do just enough this week to get us out the door and off to family fun. This is not the time to clean the house from top to bottom. The de-cluttering projects can wait until we return. I love coming home to an organized house but there will be time for that later. Each day I will straighten a little and pack a a smidge each day. We have chosen to buy our food when we arrive rather than trying to guess our needs.

I am attempting to streamline what is needed for the four of us. Instead of preparing for every situation, I think I going to pack light and hope for the best. I can always buy something if we need it.

As the children grow older, we hope to travel more an more. I hope to travel with them by myself. We obviously would like these trips to be memorable for the amazing memories rather than how badly mommy melted down trying to get ready. For the sake of peaceful travelling, I am learning to practice "just enough".

My Journey Thus Far

This picture represents the past four years of my journey.

A little over four years ago I gave birth to my son. Even though I had started to make some good changes in my life I was still uncomfortably heavy for my size, rather out of shape, and not very healthy overall. I fought with insecurity, I didn't trust myself or my inner voice, my mind raced, and I worried about what people thought of me, a lot.

A few days after we came home from the hospital I looked into the mirror and said, "Enough is enough." I was not going to slide into my forties fighting the same battles.

Oh the difference of four years.

It has been hard journey. My youngest was sick with acid re-flux and screamed so much for the first 15 months of life. I didn't sleep more than four hours at any given time for the first two years. Despite all my hard work the scale and my body refused to budge for multiple months at a time. But I persevered one day at a time. One step at a time.

Here are a few of things this picture represents in a rather random order:

1. I let go of traditional expectations. I stopped giving a damn of what others thought of me and my choices and decided to listen to my own inner wisdom. My own inner wisdom and intuition is amazing. If I am willing to quiet my mind and listen, it rarely leads me wrong.

2. I started to pursue an active yoga and meditation practice. This step was more important than I can express. Using these two in conjunction imparts a flexibility of both mind and body that continues to astound me. This is what stopped my mind racing. Meditation has enabled me to be in control of my thoughts, emotions, and therefore actions rather than being at their mercy. Many of the positive changes in my life direct stem from these practices.

3.Warrior spirit. This is huge for me. I know now that my strength of spirit and determination is mighty. I know I have the ability to accomplish what I seek to do. During the time of my son's sickness I trained and ran a half marathon. I then nursed my infant son as soon I came off the course. Later I trained and ran a full marathon. After an epic fall, I finished the race a bloody mess. I will tell you, both of these experiences made me realize I was bad ass warrior under my cute, effervescent exterior. Love this.

4. During this time I learned the importance of loving myself. I worked so hard at these goals. I learned so much about myself and what encouraged and inspired me. Sometime in the process I began to fall in love with myself. I found I have great love and respect for my mind, body, and spirit. I see the beauty of me in the mirror. I stopped criticizing myself and started practice affirmation and self love. I am now just in awe of my life, myself, and this journey. I have found it to be true, if you love yourself deeply and unconditionally it will enable you to love others more deeply and unconditionally.

5. Patience and love myself has definitely translated how I deal with my children. I have so much more grace, love, and understanding for them. That is of utmost importance.

6. After some really hard times my husband and I have emerged out the other side better for the experience. It did not drive us apart. We were there together through every step of survival, every day of sleep deprivation, and every moment of desperation and not knowing what to do. We are stronger and closer than ever. It was so hard but it was easier with my best friend by my side.

7. I discovered moderation doesn't work for me. I finally ditched that ever present idea in our society and went completely plant based. I have never felt better in my life. I have never looked better in my life. Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels.

8. My newest leg of this journey, finding my tribe and celebrating and nurturing my relationships with my precious sister friends. To be blunt I never really put much faith in to most relationships with women. I found them to be shallow, gossipy, and too fond of betrayal. When you get what you put out, know what I mean? Now I put out completely different vibes and energies and the results are spectacular. I am finding the most beautiful, honest, and caring women are coming into my life. It is such an honor to be their friend and stand witness to their experience of life.

Ultimately this whole thing comes down to desiring and pursuing a life of authenticity and true love. That is what it comes down to for me. That is what is truly important. I am so glad I looked in the mirror and decided to change my path and my approach to life. In that picture I am 41 years old and my eyes see an amazing future unfolding.

May harmony find you.

The Wild Within

Within my heart and soul there is a primal, wild spirit. She longs to break out. She yearns to run with abandon through the woods, to dance with wild abandon in the forest clearing under the light of the full moon heavy with promise and possibility. The desire to submerge herself into the mysteries of life and love drive her forward. She is like a stalking panther waiting for the opportunity to break free and fly recklessly through the trees. She is primitive. She is wild. She is beautiful. She is me. 

Yes, of course the two of us are actually just one being. Years ago I attempted to sever her from my psyche. I thought I wanted to fit in and be "respectable". For some reason I can no longer fathom I thought repressing this part of me would make me more acceptable and thought it was important. You see this facet of my spirit can make some people  uncomfortable even scared. Often  people revile what upsets them and attempt to push it out. I thought I cared about that. I thought if I could just curb my wilder inclinations I would be more palatable and therefore accepted. 

I was wrong. 

I no longer care to change for those who would change me. I no longer care to suppress such an integral part of my personality in order to be accepted. I was wrong to think I did. 

So now I am learning to reintegrate this amazingly beautiful aspect back into me. I am letting it crash around and take up residence where it may. It has been caged too long and I freely give it, give me, the room to explode with unbridled passion and joy. 

I will be wild. 

I will be free. 

I will be sensual.

I will be nurturing.

I will be willing to ride out my emotions and allow them to flow will they may. 

I will laugh and dance and sing and twirl wild abandon. 

I will be me.  

The Importance of Connecting With Nature

Spring has returned to our fair state and the joy it brings me just bubbles over each day. Yes, I love the return of the sun and the warmer weather but more importantly, I reconnect with nature. My physiology does not do well with the cold so each spring is a long over due and heartfelt reunion with a precious friend. I NEED nature in my life. I do. I believe my spirit would shrivel if I could get out into the woods and feel that ancient connection to life that truly walks on the wild side.

I walk into those woods that have been alive for far longer than I have and will hopefully out live me by a long time. There is a connection to the ages to be had if you will quiet your mind, cease your speech, open yourself, and just let the experience wash over you. As I wander in the wild wood the sounds of bird singing and chattering wraps around me and begins infusing me with peace and serenity immediately. Within moments, I can feel my heart slow and my entire being relax. It is mystical and beautiful.

I love sharing this with my children. I have mentioned before I think my daughter may be a woodland fairy child. It is her natural element. She climbs, runs, frolics, and explores. We chase adventure and quietly watch the life of the wood unfold around us. My son loves to find a plethora of sparkling rocks, acorns, seeds, and other things I end up carrying.

We quietly walk through scenes like this:

I swear I could feel the ages upon us. The silence held a gravitas I could not define although it permeated my essence.

We turned a corner to find this unexpected delight:

I find I am not like other people. If my daughter is a woodland fairy, I think she may have inherited fae blood from somewhere in my ancestry.  I cannot be tied to modern technology or the mainstream world for long. Living a fast paced, rat race life kills my very soul slowly but with excruciating thoroughness  It leaves me bereft and desolate. I tried it. I was successful and it damn near successful killed my spirit. I think there are far more people like me than have been realized. I have to wonder if the sale of antidepressants, antacids, and sleeping pills would decrease even a little if people would slow down and find that connection to the natural world I believe is in all of us. I think the results could be significant.

But we all must make our own decisions. I am a great believer in personal freedom. For me and mine, we choose to romp with woodland creatures, play in the woods heavy with memories, and sit together quietly hoping to catch a glimpse of the fairies frolicking hidden around us.

A Challenge For My Mindfulness

Living mindfully each and every day is something I constantly aspire to do. Life is so short and so sweet, I want to experience every moment in the fullest way possible. I do not want to spend a single minute of this miraculous life in fruitless worry or anxiety. I mean, I do spent minutes on that, but I don't want to. I strive to spend as few as possible on such worthless endeavors. And trust me, worrying, fretting, and living in anxiety does nothing good for you as far as I can see.

I think one of the most difficult parts of living mindfully is you must open your eyes fully and honestly to your own faults and failings. Then you must take those difficult and often hard to admit findings and turn it in to love and compassion for yourself. You see, if you want to practice loving kindness for anyone else, you must practice it on yourself first. If you don't love yourself, it is impossible to love others with a true heart and unconditional love.

I find that my ego is never far away. It is always ready to jump in and lead me into the fray. With my ego, there is ALWAYS a fray. Le sigh. My ego is happy to push my most stellar qualities to the forefront. You see I can be arrogant, self absorbed, judgmental, just know I know better than anyone else, impatient, and my favorite, not really listening to someone speaking to me just waiting (impatiently) for my turn to speak again. There are more but that is a good start. My ego proudly displays all of these for the world to see.  Now before you send me private messages about being too hard on myself know I can easily name off twenty things I love about myself at the drop of a hat. This is just an honest and realistic assessment.

But what do you do with this information?? I think the most common things are too either beat ourselves up, berate ourselves, or maybe even explain them all away or manage to blame the whole thing on someone else. But anyone of these options are missing the point. To live mindfully you must be honest AND practice loving kindness with yourself.

I find that treating these antics with and amused indulgence is one of the quickest way to dissipate my ego and allow my true self to return to the forefront. My ego doesn't seem to like being treated like  naughty but amusing child. It would prefer to be treated much more seriously. But how can I when it is acting up like that??

This may not be the "right" way but it is the way that works for me and promotes personal growth. I have found that focusing on the personal transgression does nothing but make the entire situation worse and makes me feel worse. Then there is the whole problem of people who feel bad, act bad. Well I find it to be true.

How does it unpack in the real world? Today I was at a big box store and was not feeling completely on for a variety of reasons. Due to a misunderstanding I snapped irritably at a stranger. Moments after I walked away I realized I had behaved in a very unloving manner and it was a misunderstanding to boot. I could have beat myself up or berated myself about what a horrible, worthless person I was. I could have convinced myself it at all been HER fault. Instead, I thought "Oh ego, you slipped in again." Then I wandered all around the store to find this woman and apologize to her. She was overjoyed. I had made amends. After I explained to my kids, aka witnesses to the mess momma had made, what I had done wrong and how I had went about fixing it, I did the the most important thing....I dropped it.

Then will a smile on my face and with peace in my heart, I went about my day.

Spring Showed Up Yesterday

I know that by the calendar spring arrived a little while ago but something forget to tell the cold, gray, snowy weather. This winter has been particularly hard for me. I have really struggled to stay centered and peaceful. Depression has loomed over me like an unwelcome visitor who refused to leave. Yesterday the sun burst through and the sun upon my face was the only anti-depressant I needed. It was blissful. 

This spring finds us in a very different place. We have really slowed down, refocusing our energies and reorganizing our priorities. It is quite lovely to be honest with you. Exactly what we needed as a family. Instead of running around to different museums and distractions in the city you will be more likely to find us stomping in a creek or working in our new garden. Our focus is on family, home, and living a more sustainable life. 

My kids are at an age I just find them utterly fascinating. I cannot imagine a better way to spend the day than the four of us tromping through a stream, getting filthy, and exploring their love of science. I think a lot of nature studies will be developing spontaneously all around us. Some days it is all my husband and I can to keep up with the amazing questions these children think up. I have done a lot of serious research to discover how a month and butterfly are different, what is energy, and the lives of Monarch butterflies. I am much more educated and I enjoy every minute of it. 

I love our house. It is old and needs a lot of work. When the babies were born renovation pretty much came to our halt. It is time to pick up our paintbrushes again. I am bursting with excitement  to pour the love I have for my family and our home into each project. I am excited to paint my kitchen, create a mosaic for my "Portrait of a 14 Year Old Dancer" to stand upon, to draw the flowers in our garden that will become the artwork for our home. I love it. I don't care if my home is fashionable or stylish. No, I just want it to be filled with things we love and reminders of the amazing memories we are making together. 

We are also eager to become less of a consumer family and much more sustainable. Stuff has never been our thing but I know we can do better. We have put in a sizable garden, started composting, and attached our first rain barrel. We hope to learn to reuse and recycle in innovative and clever ways. We want to teach our children the important of cherishing and protecting our environment. We want to foster their already burgeoning love of nature. We want to raise them to leave a light foot print  and maybe leave everything at least a little better than they found it. 

So even though life is quiet, I must admit it seems a grand adventure to me. I am eager to understand my husband and my children even more from just spending good time with them and listening. I am looking forward to see how this much loved home emerges in beauty and personality. I am excited to eat the produce we produce, season our meals with our home grown herbs, and spend hours drawing the flowers in my gardens. It is going to be a wonderful year.

May harmony find you and may your home and life overflow with the abundance of peace, joy, and love.