St Jude's Marathon

Wow, this experience has been nothing short of astounding. I was surprisingly calm before the race. John and the kids walked down with me to the starting area. It was wonderful to have them with me. People milled around and chatted. It was all relatively peaceful.

I don't know exactly what came over me but right before I went into my corral I knelt in front of Hannah, took her by the shoulders and said" "Hannah, momma is running this for you. I am running this to be strong for you. I am running this so you will know you can be strong too." 

With a slightly dazed expression, she said okay mommy. She was probably wondering when exactly mommy had gone completely crazy. But she kissed me, hugged me, and told me she loved me.

I started well. A huge mistake of beginning marathon runners is come out of the gate too hard, too fast. I wanted to keep my first 3 miles at a 10 minute pace and I did. I felt strong.

Then we ran through St Jude Children's Hospital.

I am so glad this happened early in the race. The people were amazing. The stories of heartbreak and hope told in simple pictures were overwhelming. Pictures of beautiful babies with big eyes and no hair. Some signs simply said "Thank You", some had dates of lives that were  cut far too short under any circumstance. Families were yelling thank you while some just quietly cried. They told us we were heroes because we were running for their children. I must disagree. Those parents and children were the true heroes, the real warriors in this fight.

I had to take my first walk break early. Tears were streaming down my face and I was right at the point of sobbing. I had to catch my breathe. After you have hold your own baby in your arms, this hits far too close to home.

The signs are always great. Funny, encouraging, and with this particular race, poignant. The one that stayed with me was of another gorgeous child, no hair, and eyes that had seen far too much pain. It said:

Diagnosed: Age 2.5
Prognosis: 2 years
11 surgeries
26.2 ?? Yes, you can. 

At the 12 mile mark we split for the half marathon. It is a sudden change at that point. It quickly becomes much quieter. People no longer chat. This is serious. This is where the hard work stars. Everyone has their game face on. I was feeling pretty amazing. I was running a full marathon and I was going to do it!! Yep, I felt pretty darn pleased with myself.

And then out of the blue and for no apparent reason, I totally wiped out. I am talking sprawled out, flat on my face on the ground. Two amazing women stopped to help me up. They washed me off a bit and guided me to first aid. I was completely dazed. I looked down to see both knees and hands tore up with blood streaming down my left knee.

The guy asked me if I was good to go on. Here I was at my moment, I told my daughter I was strong. I have told both my children that I am a warrior who would never "go gently into that good night" I would always "rage, rage against the dying light." (No, they are not Dylan Thomas fans yet, but its all about exposure, you know?) So I told him, I am running on. Help me do that. Water was dumped over my wounds and Vaseline put on them to try to stop the bleeding and protect them. The I ran off in absolutely soaking wet shoes and socks, yippee!! My socks are wicking, but c'mon.

I have to admit, riding the endorphin and adrenaline high was strangely fun. Giggling, probably with a touch of hysteria, I thought just finishing would be even more impressive now that I was sporting my cool battle wounds.

The rest was hard. I am not going to lie. It was warm, I hurt, and it IS a rather insane amount of miles. Also, much to my delight, I had earned the sobriquet "Oh! You're the One that fell!! You poor thing, are you okay?" from a significant number of my fellow runners. Oh well, at least I was memorable. In the end, I ran into a cheering stadium, saw my family, and found the energy to spring across the finish line.

4:51 was the time it took me to experience one of the most amazing events of my life.

Thank you St Jude's. Your work is miraculous and I am honored to have been a small part of it.

"No child should die in the dawn of life." Danny Thomas

The Next Thing

So I have this marathon coming up on Saturday. It is for St Jude Children's Hospital. It is an amazing cause and I have trained long and hard for it. Don't get me wrong, I am excited about about it but in the immortal words of  Eliza Dushku in Bring It On, "If you ain't got it by now, you ain't got it." In other words, I don't see the need to dwell. It will make me nervous.

My mind and soul is now looking beyond to the next thing. I am really excited about this new pathway in my journey. I am eager to really explore artistic expression. I cannot wait to try out painting in several methods, drawing, writing, learning a new instrument, whatever. I am longing to decorate our home with art. I have a gorgeous bronze statue of Degas' Portrait of a Fourteen Year Old Dancer my amazing husband bought for me at the beginning of our marriage. I plan to learn mosaics just to create a beautiful surface to place her upon. Oh, and I am definitely taking my hoop dancing to a new level.

I want to explore art, explore me in art, explore me, however it all comes together really. As I grow older I find myself bound by fewer restrictions and I am releasing self imposed bonds one by one. I think this journey is going to just shatter of multitude of chains. Through art I know I will find greater freedom and clarity. My soul dreams of just that and I shall pursue it.

Why? I mean it could sound like a lot of self obsessed narcissistic navel gazing. I don't think I take myself that seriously, but it is possible. Beyond the reasons I stated above, it is for my children. I want my children to know, to understand they can do or be anything that want to be. But I also want them to understand that self knowledge is truly the keystone to any dream they wish to pursue. Self knowledge will help them not be timid people pleasers terrified to go against the social norm trapped in their own mediocrity. They need to understand in an honest way their strengths, weaknesses, desires, secret greed, all of it. I will set an example for them to follow. I am not sure how capable I am when it comes to teaching what I do not live. I don't think I have it in me.

I have already started in some small ways. I took a watercolor class. That was much fun. I jumped in with the enthusiasm of a 2nd grader. I posted my finished work on the refrigerator  I don't think it is necessarily wonderful technique but it is mine, it came from deep inside me. That made it important. I have begun a nature journal that is just blowing me away. Since I have more natural affinity for writing, I choose a format that focuses more on drawing. I find myself absorbed with cuttings from my garden as I sketch and color them. All of this just feels so very right in my gut.

I think we all need art in our lives. Art provides the extra beauty, the spice I think most of us crave from a life lived well. Art brings us face to face with nature, our mortality, our legacy, so many things that truly matter in the grand scheme of things. It makes me feel as if I belong but I an not the most important thing. And that is alright, in fact, it may be even better.

So that is what I am doing or getting ready to do. Saturday I will run 26.2 miles to support an amazing charity and on Monday perhaps I will write about it. That would be a great bridge between the rabbit trails of my life, don't you think?

Thanksgiving in the Woods

This year we escaped to the woods for Thanksgiving. We went to an all inclusive resort not too far away from the house for 5 days. I was so unbelievably excited. There were so many amazing things to do. We could hike, go to campfires, watch fireworks, learn archery, visit a pioneer Christmas village, just so many things. We would also be without television or computers. This is difficult. The children and I have some screen issues we are all dealing with one day at a time. Some are a  little more willing than others.But it would still be great.

I pride myself on not setting up expectations. I fully believe it is a fabulous way to ensure disappointment. Go ahead and build up anything in your mind and I promise you, you will see it fall short pretty much every single time. Add in a couple of lively, headstrong preschoolers and you can add epic to that fail. I set up experiences and just see where it takes us. I am usually pretty good at this....usually.

Our first full day there started out beautifully. I ran around the lake just after dawn. The sunrise coming over the hills was breathtaking. I was energized and ready to watch this adventure unfold. I ran back to the room delighted to find the kids were happy upon waking and excited to get going with our day. It was going to be great.

You know, looking back there were a myriad of things going wrong even at that point. The food serve was SAD (standard american diet) and we do not eat that way. Heck, I am a vegetarian that tries to go pretty dang low in the gluten and dairy departments. Also there were only three meals a day. This is perfectly understandable. I do not expect someone else to cater either to my diet or frequent eating habits. But the children and I eat closer to 5-6 meals a day. We are grazers. I have no idea why I didn't bring our own food. I always do. The kids were also in some deep screen withdrawal. John has had some hairy trials and schedules lately and the stress was still emanating off of him. In short, we were a bunch of petulant, pouty, silly whiny pants for at least 1.5 days. I will openly nominate myself as Queen Pouts A-lot. So not cool, but there you are.

So there we were in this glorious natural setting bickering and picking at each other like toddlers desperately in need of a snack and a nap. (Pretty close description, actually.) John is the one who finally articulated our dilemma. We went to the store to load up on fresh raw fruits and veggies and other snacks we love to eat. We slowed down our schedule and allowed room to rest more. Most of all we realized it was okay to be out of sorts and all discombobulated. We have never taken a vacation with the kids outside of visiting family. Not surprising, we had some rough patches.

In the end it was great. We calmed down and truly enjoyed ourselves. The kids rode horses galore. Hannah learned archery. We star gazed and watched fireworks over the lake from our window  The kids became almost obsessed with hand dipping candles. It was a great time. We laughed a lot, took naps together, and enjoyed Logan's "shows" he put on each evening to entertain us.

But you see, there was something else. There was something I did to set us all up for failure. I had expectations. Even though I swore I wouldn't and was determined to let the whole thing unfold naturally, I still did it. I pictured how this amazing family bonding experience would be and then had a mental temper tantrum when it didn't happen how I envisioned it.

So lesson learned....again. Don't have expectations, bring your own food, take naps together, and laugh uproariously when your 3 year old decides he is the emcee for the new variety show he has created, written, and starred in, all to make his family laugh and entertain them. Most of all, be so very thankful and love each other.

Losing The Rigidity in Your Life

I am rather excited to be back blogging again. It is such a cyclical thing for me. I have posts swirling and composting my head that should come out soon. I want to talk about the freedom that comes from purging your stuff and letting go.  I would like to discuss living  life of harmony vs. discord and how letting go of those determined to live in land of self pity, drama, and stagnation will greatly enhance that transformation. So many things I hope to write about. But once has jumped to the forefront of my mind. Letting go of the rigidity in your life and becoming more flexible.

I want to present an authentic representation of my life online. It is easy to just focus on the good or clean up the not so pretty so we can give the world a highlight reel only kind of view. I do not want to do that. I want to be honest when I fail, be open about being exhausted or disappointed. In short, I just want to be real.

But......

The truth is, I really am a happy person seeing joy and beauty of mundane life. I don't get too upset when things don't go my way. I go with the flow of my day and just see where it all takes up. And there is one thing that makes this all possible: Intentionally living in the present moment.

I was not always like this. Oh I had such plans and expectations. I over-thought every decision and scenario. A big holiday planned? I had it all worked out in my head how it should go and was very disappointed and angry when it didn't go according to my imaginary plan. You know it never did. I lived in the future trying to micromanage everything. I thought I would somehow have control over everything including other people and especially my children. Who wants to guess how that worked out???

Like so many things, this particular issue has been refined and smoothed due to having children. I remember sitting and crying because my day did not go how I had planned it. I was angry my children were getting in the way of my to do list!! Catch that, did you? Isn't that the most asinine thing? My babies, my beauties were hindrance to mopping floors and extravagant meal planning. Ridiculous or not, it is how I felt.

I am so grateful I found another way, a better way.

I found that by letting go of the past and releasing to future to work itself out, I lived more centered in peace and calm. When you find peace and calm you can find joy. I promise you it is true. I stopped thinking about how a situation would go or even my day. My to do list became things that would be cool to get done, if it works out. I have plans each day but if they don't happen, so what? I mean seriously, what is the big deal really? It is rarely life threatening. In fact, it is our anger and frustration stealing our joy not the change in plans.

To facilitate flexibility I have learned to say no to many, many things Our schedule is much more open and just has the room to be less rigid. The less hectic schedule allows us all to be more peaceful and less revved up all the time. It is that very go go go pace that leads to rigidity for me. How can you finish the 108 things on your to do list if you are not hyper focused and regimented??? I say ditch the to do list. You will be better for it.

So that is where me and mine are. We really just sort of flow through life. I don't think we miss out on anything. In fact, the slowness has enable us to see things and experience things we would have missed any other way.  Throw out your mental expectations, stop your life in its tracks, and take the time to wonder at the sunrise or moonrise with your children, however it works out for you.

More Inner Peace Juiciness

I love share the amazing effects of living an intentional life striving for inner peace and tranquility. Yoga and meditation are huge parts of this endeavor. I am such a beginning student of both, really, but the benefits are simply amazing even now.

This morning I awoke with a vague underlying feeling of restlessness, irritation, and, not surprisingly  fear. The more I study, the more I believe fear is the root cause for most of our negative emotions. Both rational and irrational fear can quickly pump up our blood pressure and send our mind reeling with anxiety and trepidation. So this morning, fear popped up and wanted to hang out.

Now here is the super cool part, because of my journey to finding inner peace and balance my problem was immediately apparent. I don't know how to describe it. Think of all of your calm, peaceful thoughts are a beautiful pattern of soft muted colors intertwining and overlapping with one another. Fear, anger, jealous, all the emotions leading to disharmony stand out in stark relief as if they are glaring bright red. This enables me to sieve them off the top and deal with them.

But how do you do that? That is the question, right?

Knowing that all was not right with my world I took care of my morning routine and settled the kids to a slightly longer television program. Then I sat and breathed. I begin my yoga routine stretching my mind and my body. Then when I was warm and limber in both places, I quietly settled down into a half lotus pose. I returned to my breathing. (You will find in yoga and mediation you ALWAYS return to the breath.) Then I allowed my mind to gentle open and began to examine my mind that was trying to whirl itself into turmoil.

So what was going on? Well, this marathon training is just breaking me down mentally and physically. I don't feel good in either place. My energy is constantly zapped and I find it harder to be fully present for the joy in my life.  It is almost here and then I am going to indulge in some delicious healing of mind, body, and spirit. But what else? Well, I have not been eating my optimal diet. I am only eating about 50% of what I should be. This affects my overall health in so many ways. Eating a clean, healthy diet is a huge emphasis in my life and priority for me. Finally, we have a couple of trips and Christmas coming up. Expending money brings up an irrational fear of insecurity for me. Then I just finished dealing with a long drawn out dispute with one of our utility companies that will probably never be resolved to my satisfaction.

As I slowly turned each one over in my mind, I was able to look it is head on and it made it much easier to let it go. I could see instantly ways to make it better. The marathon is at the cusp of being over. I can easily improve my diet, etc. I opened my eyes and I find the turmoil of my mind quietly leaving and the calmness returning. Equanimity prevailed.

Now it isn't always this easy. That lovely muted color picture has some challenges not so readily apparent. There are fears so deeply woven into my psyche it will take a great deal of introspection and personal work to bring them fully to the surface. Only then can the be faced and released. But those parts of the path will happen when they happen. There is no way to hurry it along. It is a journey, a journey I am so grateful to be on.

5 For 15 For November

I am on an infinite journey to improve myself and my life. I truly enjoy making changes that make me a stronger, centered, and happier person. I will be honest, it isn't easy and often it means I have to look some rather nasty demons in the face. It is hard but it is the only way to deal with them and then banish them with my life.

I have been attempting to do this for decades. I failed so much more often than I succeeded mainly because I was a perfectionist and tended to go insane and try to change every single facet of my life....right now. You can probably guess what a resounding success that was....not. Finally 8 years ago I committed to the long haul. I decided to firmly put myself on this path and trudge along slow and steady. Because you see, slow and steady truly does win the race.

In the beginning, I had an unyielding vision of what my life should be. This is what good health would look like. This is what would ultimately make me happy. This is exactly how I would be a perfect parent. Oops, did you see that word? Yep, perfect. Perfect, in many instances, should be classified as a yucky word. The pursuit of perfection and rigid demand of perfectionism we drape across our shoulders like a lead cape is the culprit responsible for a great deal of pain and misery.

Even with these unrealistic expectations, I took the first step and stopped drinking soda. Just a little thing but it was the quiet herald of my new life. Over the following months, I made baby steps such as eating 3  servings of veggies a day, exercising 3  days a week, going to bed at an earlier time, etc. Approximately every 6-8 weeks it was time to assess my life and implement a new change.

The strangest thing happened as I focused on one thing at a time. (Imagine that, keeping my mind present and living intentional made a huge difference.) That burden of perfectionism I insisted on lugging around lightened. That voice berating me for every failure, real or imagined, lay dormant more often. The experience of making these changes had began to teach me grace, self love, and a fluidity of goals and aspirations. I laughed easier, rested well, and true joy and gratitude started pouring into my life.

I am a vastly different person today. My priorities are radically different. My journey is ongoing but instead of being focused on a definite end goal, I am loving the experience of the organic whole. The journey really is the point, I guess.

But with that in mind, I have new focuses for November. I have already started them because I was ready and excited. These changes are a joy for the most part rather than a fearful undertaking so I normally jump into the next challenge. I love the idea of focusing on a few things but in small bites. So I came up with the idea of working on 5 things with a 15 minutes a day commitment. Here they are:

1. 15 minutes of yoga- a sustained yoga practice is a true boon in my life. My kids aren't always cooperative with the hour practice but 15 minutes is workable.

2. 15 minutes of meditation- Meditation has been transformative in my life. I am really a novice at this practice. You really need at least 20 minutes to calm your mind and then everything after is the sweet spot. But see above about those littles. You do what you can.

3. 15 minutes of quality reading- I love to read but since my head was flooded pregnancy hormones I have a hard time focusing on much more than fluff. But I believe this problem is now more a matter of habit. So I will be reading classics, nonfiction, etc. I have a new interest in astronomy. That will be great reading.

4. 15 minutes of reading to the kids- I am sure I don't need to tell you how important it is to read to your children. We do read but lately it has been sporadic. I want consistency in this area.

5.  15 minutes of purging and decluttering- Living a more minimalist lifestyle will greatly benefit the flow, stress level, and quality of life in our home. It will be my version of minimalism but to accomplish this, I must purge and declutter. If it is not beautiful to one of us or useful, it is out of here.

Understand 15 minutes are the least amounts. If the kids and I are reading for over an hour, great. When I have the opportunity to fit in a 90 minute yoga session, you know I will. But these small bites make the habits  more easily fit into my life. That is the key, get them in there and they will flourish either in the natural order of things or in later focuses.

So this is how I do it. I have completely overhauled my life and have come to really love the process. I hope you find a journey filled with joy as well.

Blink....and Then It Is Gone

For the first time in over 3 years my children have been letting me sleep until the late, late hour of 6:30 am. On some fabulous mornings, it is been 7 am. Yes, I know I am easily pleased. Only a parent with a poor sleeping child can understand my joy and elation.

One morning, very recently, the was a decision made behind my back to revisit the excitement and joy of the 5 am wake up call for momma. I am sure you understand how just delighted I was. I staggered down the stairs in a desperate search for coffee trying to remind myself that these little creatures were not purposely trying to torture me. I admit, I was a hard sell. After walking into a few walls, one of which I am positive I apologized to, I blundered out the door to let dogs out.

And there I found such startling beauty. The predawn sky was a rich black satin filled with an amazingly bright multitude of stars. I could identify the summer triangle and Orion's belt without even trying. The stillness of the morning enveloped me as I stood mesmerized by the pure loveliness of the night sky.

I shook myself and called to my eternal star gazer, my fairy princess, my moon child who often calls to me in the evening to share the beauty of the sky. I called her out into a quiet, still world of wonder. I held her in my arms, her sleepy head resting against my shoulder. In reverent whispers we shared our joy, our amazement of the scene unfurled before us.

What an incredible gift the sky was to me. The fact I was able to share it with my daughter, beyond abundance.

Later in the week, my puckish little boy was tired and starting feel unwell. My jokester was not only not funny, he was not amused. He was cranky and irritable and every thing I did was unpleasing. I was trying to make the beds and he launched himself into another meltdown. Thankfully, I switched my head from chores to seeing what my love needed. That doesn't always happen I am sad to say. I pulled the sheets back down and climbed into bed asking him to snuggle with me. With a tearful, "NO!", he climbed into bed.

There I laid, cradling my youngest, my tired baby in my arms. His sobs turned to snuffles which soon quietly eased away. As I stroked his hair he said, "Momma, I no feel good." I know my baby boy, I know. We stayed there for such a long time, curled in each others arms. My little one quieted down and was able to rest for a time.

There is a lesson in both of these stories for me. Slow down. Don't get so caught up in life you forget to live the moments. It is within the moments the true beauty of life happens. Stop trying to cross off your to do list and start living out your just being.

Because I know this my friends, you just blink... and these precious moments are gone.