Flow and Learning to Go With It

Today I was supposed to go on a really cool outing with my bestie. We do not have the time to hang out all day for the most part so it was going to be amazing. We carefully planned it several weeks ago. At the last minute, her son became ill. This kid is almost never sick but sick he was and our day was cancelled. Was it disappointing? Yes, but not nearly as much as it would have been even a few weeks ago.

Why? Because I have been learning to let go of expectations and just go with the flow. Go with the flow of the day, the visit, the whatever. Live the moment as it unfolds. I have been trying to just show up and see what happens without having a preplanned script or scenario mentally typed up in my head. Let's just see what happens.

This may sound fairly mundane to many of you but to me, it is huge. I am a recovering overacheiving perfectionist and control freak. Thoughout my life I have had the intelligence, charisma, manipulation skills, and sheer stubbornness to get my way in most things. I could orchestrate and steer a situation to give the desired outcome. But it cost alot. I was not as kind, loving, or gentle as I wanted to be, as I knew I needed to be for my own peace and contentment. Manipulation sucks and does great wrong to others. Also, what did I cost myself in experience? If I had not been so controlling and had let things develop naturally, I think the outcomes may have far exceeded my narrow minded scenario.

Not very long ago, we had some freaky money stuff. Let's just say, it could have been very scary and rather detrimental to our overall financial health. There were two ways of handling it, freak out and worry and see which one of us could manifest ulcers first, or.....let it go. Each day we did what we could to make the best of the situation and then just let it go. It wasn't going to make anything better to dwell and fret. In fact, I can easily see where it would have made the whole thing worse. I am so grateful for that amazing learning experience!

So now each day I wake up and we have our plans and routines but if they don't come to fruition or if something comes up, I am very flexible on letting it go and see where the day takes us. It has resulted in some amazing experiences we would not have had if I had stubbornly insisted we hold course.

I highly recommend this just going with it and see where the day, the moment takes you.

Backeward Thinking, Wisdom of Hannah, and the Perfect Ordinary Moment

I find myself with much to say. So much I could easily just start babbling and lose anyone brave enough to follow, or attempt to follow, my thoughts. For this post I am going to stick to three things. Three things this week with profound effects on my life.

First, the meditation thing is going amazingly well. It is so perfectly simple while being incredibly hard. I keep showing up. I am getting in my time practicing "tush on cush". Seriously peeps, this stuff is just life changing and amazing. I had an insight this week I wanted to share. My dear friend and I were talking about meditating and she said, "I need to learn to quiet my mind so I can meditate." In a moment it was so clear. I told her that was exactly backwards, you need to meditate so you can learn to quiet your mind. The things is, you can't get to perfect and then start. No, you have to start exactly where you are, wherever that happens to be and hop on the path from there. Oh, and it seems to be working.

Second thing left me breathless and feeling pretty happy about our parenting. But you must hear me out. Logan and I have not been sleeping. My precious two year old all boy and I do not function well under these conditions. It is imperative for the sanctity of our home one of us sleeps. But it is not happening and we had been battling.

I promised I would be authentic in this blog so understand I am NOT proud of this behavior AT ALL. After a very rough morning, Logan grabbed hold of an open yet full sippy cup and threw milk all over my kitchen. Since I had obviously passed the land of rational thinking, I yelled at him to get out of my kitchen and out of my sight. I then grabbed his hand to take/drag hime out. Of course, he dropped to the ground and I had to let go because I was at least sane enough to not drag him around. He was crying. I was furious. Hallmark moment, you know?

I stomped into the living room and there sat Hannah. She looked at me sternly with not a little disappointment in her eyes. She took a deep breath and said, "Mommy, it is not okay to yell at Logan. It upsets him and it upsets me. It is not acceptable." With those words I came back to myself. Oh I was ashamed. I said, "Hannah, you are absolutely right. Mommy is tired and frustrated and I am taking it out on Logan." Without missing a beat she says, "Mommy, it is not okay to yell and take out your big feelings on someone else even when you are tired and frustrated."

I know many people would have be furious with their child rebuking them. Me? I was thrilled. You see, she was repeating what we have been teaching our children since they were born. It is okay to have big feelings. Happy is not the only acceptable emotion. But we are not to take it out on other people. I was so stinking proud of my brave little girl standing up to her angry mommy and protecting her brother. As ashamed as I was for my actions, I was ecstatic our parenting is working. I was gentle disciplined by my child who has been gentle disciplined. Win. Just win.

Later after I apoligized to everyone I told Hannah how proud I was of her. I told her to never hestitate to remind me of the rules. I wanted her to understand that mommas make mistakes and bad choices but they still must be held to the house rules.

Seriously, that girl rocks my world.

Speaking of rocking my world. I am learning to recognize and savor those perfect ordinary moments. Do you know what I mean? Those quiet everyday moments that hold perfect love and joy. Again, amazing.

The other night we were all dancing in the kitchen to one of my favorite songs, "Dance Me To The End of Love". (Sorry Jen, must be Leonard Cohen and NOT the Civil Wars.) After a bit I looked over and there John and Hannah were dancing together in a world of their own. He held her in his arms and they looked deep into each other's eyes. I cannot beging to do justice to the look of pure love I saw pass between them. They quietly danced, snuggled, hugged, and gave each other little kisses. They just loved each other. And me? I sat quietly and cried with the overwhelming feeling of joy I felt. I was so privleged to catch a glimpse of something so wonderful.

And Logan? I think he was destroying the medicine cabinet reached by standing on one of the dogs.

Perspective, you know?

Living Life

I haven't been here much lately. I have been focused on living and loving my life. Life has fallen into a gentle rhythm that is really working for our family at this time. I am avoiding analyzing it or exploring it too deeply. I am just being with it so to speak.

Recently, I realized I live a calm, mundane life. I will let you in a little secret, I really like it that way. I do. For years I thought conflict and wildly swinging emotions were passion and creativity. The truth, for me, could not be further from that chaotic, frenetic existence. I have found true peace, passion, and creativity within the quiet moments of my life. Each day I run a little, do alot of yoga, spend time laughing and cuddling with my babies and snuggling with my husband at night. Each day I knit a little, write for awhile, read something delicious, and slowly and calmly breathe in the flavor and scent of life. It is amazingly glorious in its simplicity.

Will it stay just this way? Of course, not. Do I want it to? Not really, a stagnant life quickly loses its joy and breadth of experience. I want to continue to experience and savor life as it comes, each day as it will be.

I am sure I will find, very soon, the need to express myself to others. That familiar companion will press me more greatly than it does at this moment. And then I will return here to share myself and my life with those of you who care to share with me.

Until then, I am just breathing, just living, just being, and just loving.

Rest When You Need To Rest

Yesterday I found myself beyond the brink of exhaustion. I was shaky, crabby, and really ready to cry at the drop of a hat. I was a mess, plain and simple. I have had too much on my plate lately. I have been going through a great deal of emotional upheaval and it has drained me. I ran 15 miles on Saturday on top of some seriously challenging workouts. Our social schedule has been more packed than usual. I have not been practicing self care. Any one of these could have been compensated for but everything together meant I was heading for a crash. Last night I sat down and cried over something really quite ridiculous. (Um, sorry again precious, wonderful husband). I knew I needed rest so I went to bed early. After all I had to wake up this morning at 4:20am for an 8 mile run.

When the alarm went off this morning I did something I never, ever do. I asked John to turn it off and I turned over and slept for over 2 more hours. It was wonderful. We ended up all snuggling together this morning as a family. The kids joined us and we laughed and warmed up Hannah's cold feet. We had a slow, lazy moring with lots of snuggles and lots of reading. That alone made me feel better.

Workouts are important. Having productive days is a very good thing. Getting together with friends is vital to someone as relationship oriented as me and also to my kids. But sometimes, you just need to rest. You need to step off the crazy train and refresh. You can then look around and figure out how the heck you jumped on that crazy train again to begin with. You can decide the changes that need to happen to stay off it permanently or at least until you unwittingly fall onto it again. We are works in progress, people, works in progress.

There are many things important in this life but we must remember that anyone of them, or several combined, can become too much of a focus and lead us off a balanced path. When our schedule stops nurturing us and our families, we must have the flexibility to make changes, either temporarily or permanently depending on the circumstances.

There are tweaks that need to be made in my life. I know this and I am taking this opportunity to ponder what they need to be. It won't be my running or other workouts, that just happens to be what had to give at the moment. No, I will take some downtime. I will pray and journal. I will discuss it with my best friend John (that, of course, is my amazing husband) and a few select friends. I will make changes to modify and bring my life back into balance.

And all will be wonderful, well until I once again fall out of balance.

Works in progress, people, we must remember we are works in progress.

Beautiful Summer Days

We have been blessed with the fleeting days of early summer. They show up randomly and without warning here in Missouri. The days are a gentle upper 70's maybe lower 80's. The humidity is exceptional low, always a cause to celebrate. The sun shines with a purity and clarity rarely seen. The lush greens are illuminated and the vibrant colors of rampantly growing flowers catch the eye in juxtaposition. The air smells clean and fresh. It is the smell of a day newly born to this world.

I am so happy to be mentally present for this time. If I had remained tied up in self imposed anxieties and manufactured worries, I would missed all of this. It would have been tragic. Glad to have missed the worry and embraced the joy.

This weekend is shaping up to be fairly free flowing. I love those times. If I am not stormed out, I want to get a 10 mile run in early. I have rediscovered my love of running, the joy of simply moving. It is a treasured gift. I found out there will be a hoop jam in a local park. I am excited to go. I want to get in contact with the local hooping community. It has not been the focus I would like. I want to jump, or dance, right back in to the circle. I love it will be at a park. I LOVE hooping in nature and my family can go with me and play. Win-win for all.

We have been enjoying this gorgeous weather. I am taking time to connect with my precious babies. Running through the grass, sharing smiles and laughter, watching them discover baby animals and explore new environments. It has been heavenly.

In a moment, I will log off my computer and spend some quality morning time snuggling and talking with my babies. Then I will put a batch of chili in the crockpot. It will feed us many meals this weekend. Then we will be free to run back outside and experience today. It will only be here for a moment and will never come again.

Soooo Much Better

Attiude and focus play an immense role in our lives. I hope you never underestimate them. It can be the difference between stress and being fairly miserable and joy and peace. The decision to back off on my physical pursuits, marathon and half Iron man, have granted me immediately results. Understand, nothing has really changed in my life except my perspective which is reflected in my attitude and focus. I am still running just as much since I had not started the climb in miles. But life is dreamily beautiful again.

Due to some insane storms, I only ran once this past week. Before my change of heart, this would have been cause for a great deal of consternation. In in effort to scramble my plans to fit those runs in, I would have trashed my weekend and my family's weekend as well. But instead, oh well, I will go back on Tuesday. Therefore Saturday was filled with a fun but drippy trip to the farmer's markt and some much needed gardening.

I had been reading a blog recently that stated if some project is draining because it is NOT getting done, why don't you do it? My newfound mental clarity illuminated two stressors in my life, the pantry and the huge craft closet. Both of them were tackled this weekend and I am happy to say even more weight was lifted.

Today has been simply joyful. I have savored the opportunity to experience moments as I prepared the produce from this weekend's trip to the market and did the every day mundane chores. These mundane chores enable my family to live in a clean, tidy, and happy home. It was joyful to take the time to reflect on the purpose of my actions and praise God for the opportunity to serve my family. It was simply beautiful.

The most important thing is my attitude to my wonderful, crazy, messy, hilarious babies has changed. I am ashamed to say, I was becoming annoyed with them. I realize now it felt as if they were getting in the way of the things I needed to get done. They were a distraction. But the truth is, they are not a distraction, no not at all, they are the reason. My incredible littles are one of the main reasons I do what I do. It is for them, for our family, It is to create a home of warmth, joy, comfort, and family. It is NOT to be productive. I lost my way on the path. But I have returned.

I am amazed and humbled I have such a wondrous life, mine for the asking. All I had to do was realize I had wandered off and Presto! it is mine again. I love these people who form my family. I am savoring these times of growing closer and reaffirming our bonds. Amazing, it realy is.

The Importance of Being Rested

I am still walking in a cloud of accomplishment and joy from the half marathon. Seriously, what an incredible, amazing experience it was. I think I have a bad case of running sickness. I am considering running the full marathon. Craziness thy name is Karen. I am hooked but I guess there are worse obsessions.

However, it really wrecked my energy. I wasn't nearly as hungry as I thought I would be probably due to the heat. I made myself eat anyway but I am not sure it was enough. On Tuesday, I ran a light 3 miles to stretch my legs. It was awesome for my sore muscles but it was the last straw for my energy. It drained me to almost nothing. I felt I had nothing left to give anyone or anything.

I could have fought it. Maybe I could have filled up on caffeine and sugar. But in the end, I decided to go with it. I have been working towards living much more slowly and intentionally in all aspects of life. For a strong willed, type A personality like myself, that is a tall order. But I am making progress. This seemed like a perfect opportunity to listen to my body and let it tell me what it needed.

It has been wonderful. I have eaten my fill of wholesome, yummy food. I have laughed and snuggled with my beautfiful babies. I have slowly hooped and pushed my children on their swingset. I have relaxed quietly in a chaise lounge and watched my children play. I have savored quiet soul-filling moments with a precious friend. I have rested. I have read. I have taken a much needed break and I feel incredible.

This morning I woke and my energy had returned. But it had brought along a friend, a calm peaceful contentment that fills me and makes me feel as if I am glowing with joy and health. It is truly the best I have felt in months, perhaps years. Who knows how long? Doesn't matter because it is here right here, right now, at this perfect moment.

So I am sitting here drinking my favorite afternoon Darjeeling tea. A new favorite candle made with lime, ginger, and vanilla fills my home with what clean vibrant energy must smell like. My babies are sleeing. Soon Logan will wake and I will curl up with him so he will sleep a bit longer. My warm, precious baby will snuggle as close as he can get to momma and I will know this is what love feels like.

I am rested and it is wonderful. How often to we push past exhaustion until we reach a state that we no longer feel human? How often do we will we MUST get everything on our to do list done or the... what the world will stop spinning?? I think I am going to try very hard to remember the joy, peace, and patience true rest brings me. I am going to try to remember how much a better momma, wife, friend, and woman I am when I have allowed my body to get the rest and healing it needs. It really is truly important.

I Want to Train for Cirque du Soleil

Okay, I ran into another blog post over at A Whole Lot of Hoop Love (sorry I can't figure out how to embed and I am excited about my subject) about the things she wants to do to be a circus performer. I totally get where she is coming from with this. I really do. You see, I have a whole plan laid out on my journey to train for Cirque du Soleil. Do I think I am going to get there?? Well of course not, I am an almost 40 year old women with two small children. I am neither young/flexible enough nor free from responsibilities enough to run off to join any circus. But the journey, oh my the journey will be AMAZING!! I already hoop and I will take classes for my doubles and minis soon. I want to learn more poi over the summer. I intend to take belly dancing lessons soon. And then the coolest, coolest part, AERIALS! Bumbershoots here in St Louis has classes for both aerial silks and aerial hoop. Hubs says go for it!! (Love, love that man. He truly is coolest hubs evah!!!!) So that is my plan for the next 6 months or so, to explore the creative and physical side of the circus-y type arts. They are so elegant, beautiful, and let's be honest, downright gorgeous. It is just the kind of beauty in my life and my world that makes me happy. I just had a morning with my amazing friend Sarah. Seriously, she is one of the most beautiful and light filled souls I have ever met. My week is better from the visit. I know my life is better because of the friendship. Anyhoo, we were discussing my let's call it gregarious and inhibition free personality. I wasn't always like this. I used to be caught up in the world and the rat race that so aptly describes it. I used to think I will be happy and really start living my life when... oh fill in the blank. It didn't matter what is is but it held me back. One day I thought, I am done. I am living today for today and living a life that I am proud of and makes me happy. And that is what I did. And now what makes me proud and happy is to train to be a circus performer. I love my life. It is so cool to me.

Cultivating Friendships

It is less than two weeks before my first half marathon, my first race ever. I am very excited. I am running 12 miles this weekend but the thing is, I am ready. I am surprised but there you are. I don't know how fast or amazing I will be but I am ready. Actually, I will be pretty amazing to me because I am going to run 13.1 miles and that is pretty fabulous to me. I have a hard time believing it is real. But it is very real. So what next? That is the question right? I like what knowing what is next. It gives me comfort. In reality, I am fairly flexible and okay with my plans changing but I still like a plan, a rough map so to speak. The next stage is presenting itself in all its alliterative glory, "Family, Friends, and Fun". Not the most original perhaps but it is important to me. What does it mean exactly? Two things are a part of the foundation of this plan that make appear to be unrelated at first glance but I believe them to be critical. First, I am committing to a 60 day yoga challenge. Each day I will do at least 20 minutes of yoga. I hope to do much more but I want to make a realistic challenge. After all, I have two littles who very much need my attention. The second is all about the food. We are looking to really clean up our diet. We, hubs and I, are focusing on lots of fresh veggies and fruit with as much locally grown as possible. In fact, we are going to do some container gardening ourselves. We desire to follow as closet to a whole foods diet as possible with little to no processed food. Including within that statement is the idea that causes me a great deal of trepidation, saying good bye to white and brown sugar for the duration. It could be 30 days, 60 days, or who knows. I do know that I have an addiction to sugar and this is the only way to clean it from my system. What do the above two things have to do with a summer of "Food, Family, and Fun"? Well, I have known for awhile that I am slightly off center of the place a desire to be in my life. I don't like the word balance. It implies perfection to me and I am learning to revel in my glorious imperfect nature. Perhaps I can call it the center of my life. It is the place I am healthiest, happiest, and most at peace. It brings me calm. I like it there, its nice. It is also the best starting point for any endeavor I may undertake. Yoga and healthy, nourishing foods are two of the greatest helps to get there. This summer is important to me although it may seems fanciful or just another way to follow my bliss. Connections and relationships are of utmost important in our lives. I am coming to believe that although technology brings a great deal of information, help, and enables us to do things that just a few years ago were unthinkable, it also is creating distance and disharmony in our lives. I want to close those gaps and feel harmony again. I intend to actively pursue quality within my relationships. This intention is both for friends and family. I intend to eshew much of the technology in my home and focus instead and companionship and building friendships. I want to take the time to really get to know some just amazing people in my life. I have not decided how this will unpack, exactly. With so much of the everyday workings of my life on the computer, it is hard to get rid of it for any extended period of time. I do think it will be regulated to very limit use. Some days any screen time will be verboten. I desire to live my life more in reality than online. I want to take this time to refresh myself and revitalize my passions. This summer I hope my joie de vivre will explode and the result will turn the ordinary magical.

Finding My Place in the Circle

Hooping. I love it. I truly do. Hooping has giving me more than I could have imagined. Last summer, I was toying with the idea of poi. Through researching poi, I discovered hooping and hoop dance. I thought it would be a cool, quirky thing to play with so I gave it a whirl. I ordered my first adult size hoop from Hoopnotica and signed up for beginning lessons with the St Louis Hoop Club. And my love affair was born.

From the first moment, I found hooping to be this amazing, zen thing. I would start the hoop around my waist and the cares and troubles of the day fall away. I found peace in the rhythmic movement. I hooped outdoors so it meant I spent a greater amount of time outside and with nature. I have hooped to some amazing sunsets and a couple of incredible sunrises. Each one was a gift to behold.

Hooping challenges me in many ways. First, it is great physical exercise. It tones and shapes your core like nothing else. It has also given me a flexibility and suppleness of movement I have not experienced for two decades at least. Another challenge is the myriad and infinite variety of tricks to be learned and mastered. Some are quite easy, others are hard, and some are downright painful to learn. The final challenge hooping has presented me with is the ability to let go of my inhibitions, lose myself in the music and the dance, and just hoop unfettered by fears such as someone could be watching or judging. Just open my heart and let my soul sing with the rhythm it finds. Amazing.

I attended a Fusion Movement Seminar today. It was an experience I shall savor in coming days. A group of forty or so people that were willing to look like fools, drop props, and be silly all in the name of discovering movement. Hooping and learning with this group was freeing. We played with hoops, mini hoops, staffs , and finally, at long last, my poi. I played with poi for the first time today. Of course, the first thing I did was smash myself in the nose...really hard. Pain gave way to numb which turned back to pain and then dissolved into laughter. You get bruises playing with flow toys. You get bruises when your neighbor flings their toy into you. It is the way of learning. I now of a cool floral Hawaiian looking pair of poi to play with.

The greatest gift my hoop practice has given me is a comfort with myself that was fleeting before now. I am more at home with my own physicality than I have ever been. I am more assured being the person I truly am. I am far more comfortable in my own skin. There has truly been a fusion in my life bringing many aspects together to progress further on the path I am meant to follow. So I will continue my journey to find my place in the circle.

Better Than Perfect, Real Life

Lately, I have found many people who seem to be putting their life off for something. The reasons are varied and appear to be endless. It could be they are waiting for the perfect job, the right spouse, the kids to be whatever age they are not now, until they lose 30lbs, until they get it all together, etc. There is an idea floating among many people that if they can just make their life perfect then they will be happy. I have oftenheard the lament, "Oh when will it be my turn???"

Well, two things, you will not ever make your life perfect enough to be happy and it is your turn right now! Happiness does not come from perfection. Happiness comes from learning to be content where we are and to release ourselves from the eternal and doomed quest of finding "the moment". They are all the right moments. It has to do with your perspective. If you insist on focusing on the problems and the less thans in your life then you are consigning yourself to a pretty miserable life. But if you choose to focus on the joy and beauty of every situation, you will find a peace and wonder filled life. And it is your turn, right now, to make this decision.

Don't misunderstand me, life is hard. There are challenges, pain, and even disaster. It is not all rainbows and unicorns. But even in the most difficult situations, there is joy and beauty. You can find them if you look hard enough. Or more likely, if you are just willing to open your eyes and see them right in front of you.

Many years ago I found myself in the waiting for my life to begin mindset. It saddens me to think of the time I wasted. There is so much more to life. When I finally realized what I was doing, I decided I would live in the moment and for the moment as much as possible. That was a turning point, perhaps the turning point of my life. Deciding to live in the moment and to really be present for life has given me a multitude of amazing moments. They are not perfect, they are better than perfect, they are real life.

If you are struggling, turn your focus. Focus on the amazing sunset that will never be seen exactly that way again. Listen intently to the sound of your child's laughter, she will never be exactly this age again. Snuggle with someone you love and feel your warmth combine with theirs. Rest in silence as your treasure that particular moment, that particular feeling that is unique to right then. Indulge yourself in enjoying the best friend whose very presence makes you feel 100 emotional pounds lighter and 10 years younger.

We have this life. This is it. There really is no do overs. You can wait around trying to reach a fantasy that will never come or you can run out into the world and embrace life with arms wide open, accepting all the beauty and all the pain. You can accept the all and live in this moment right now. What will you choose?