Self Love

I am a beautiful, vibrant woman. Recently I read a wonderful article about authenticity. I LOVE that word. Be who you really are. Amazing concept. This article encouraged me to write a list of things I love about myself. It was great. It made me happy to do it. You see, I have learned to really love myself. My list was long and nowhere complete. I love everything from my impish, naughty nature to the way I move and dance everywhere I walk. I love my heart for others and my willingness to establish and maintain boundaries. I love how I am utterly and completely head over heels in love with my husband and babies. I love my strength, physical, mental, and emotional. I love so much about me. It was really a delight to write about it.


Then I started thinking about all these other amazing, fascinating, and gorgeous women I know. So many of thing would be hard pressed to write this list. If they did they would probably apologize for it. We have been taught subtley and pervasively that self love is wrong, bad, unattractive, and will probably make your hair fall out in your middle years. None of that is remotely true.

So I wrote the one I might just like the best:

"I love I am willing to reject the notion that if I have a good opinion about myself I am wrong and bad. I refuse to confuse humility with debasement and self hatred. I refuse to teach this disgusting and harmful untruth to my daughter. I refuse to live that lie"

I do believe I am humble because I don't think I am any better or any more worthy, or conversely worse or unworthy, than anyone else. I think each person is just as much as I am. I find beauty in every woman I take the time and opportunity to study. I find them to be interesting, mysterious, and just fabulous.

My question to you today is, can you write a list of all the things you love about yourself? If not or if it would be really hard, why? What can you do to see the amazing creature that is you?

It is really worth considering, I promise.

Strange Day

I have been very productive and active recently. We have stayed on top of our schedule and so through to completion things needing to be done. I have upped my workouts and they are kicking my butt. It is a good thing. I love it. But I am tired so I decided to take the day off to rest.

My goodness, it has sucked.

The kids and I are all feeling wimpy and whiny. I think we may all be on the verge of throwing fits. We are NOT on our best behavior, not one little bit. It is pretty brutal around here.

If you know me, you will know I can let this experience go by without examining it. It isn't in my nature. Once a dear friend said, "Karen, sometimes you are just in a bad mood and that is the way it is. Don't you agree?" I gave a resounding no to that. I believe my moods always have a starting point, a seed they have grown from to blossom into whatever they choose to be.

First, I am going to let my little ones off the hook. I am pretty sure this whole day can be dumped at my door for the reason. I am empathic and feel other people's emotions. I have given birth to two gorgeous babes who are also affected by other people's emotion. Not surprisingly, they are probably most affected by the emotions of moi. Suprise. Suprise. Right?

So they are off the hook. Poor things are just channeling momma.

I am fairly exhausted. Like I said above I have really increased the intensity of my workouts. I have a plan for my first year of my 40's but that is a different post. What I think is truly the matter is I have been digging deep spiritually. I have spent more time practicing yoga, meditating, and praying. Actually, it is a great time of growth for me and it is wonderful. But in all things with the good comes the bad. I have found a lot of yuck and nastiness coming out that must be dealt with decisively. Baggage, old emotions suppressed, questions, fears, many things have come to light. In the end, it will be a very good thing to deal with and slough off these negative things but it is exhausting right now.

But then I ran into a little gem of wisdom. I am still chewing on it and thinking about it. Here it is,

"Do not allow yourself to fall apart or it will become a habit. Practice being strong."

The quote is from Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Just want to give credit, you know.

Anyway, it is very timely for today. I am really feeling awash in negative emotions. It would be easy to lie down and just fall apart a little. But would that do any good? Would that care for my children? Would that care for my soul, my spirit? No, it would just leave me feeling defeated and more exhausted. So I need to practice being strong.

Now I do not believe this means I need to repress or deny my emotions. They are what they are. They need to be dealt with or they will, ultimately, control me whether I realize it or not. But I can choose how I deal with them and at what speed. I can say, today I will deal with the idea of guilt and shame over this particular failing or perceived failing. When I have dealt with that I am going to take a break and then maybe deal with something else, if I am up to it.

There is some pretty serious upheaval going on in my head. I think there will be some things I won't want to confront or seriously consider but I must. If I don't, I think I will be stagnant in my growth and the result will be more akin to chasing my own tail rather than continuing on the journey and path I know I am meant to explore.

I am just grateful I trust God will give me the strength and the wisdom to persevere and see this through.

Dealing With Hard Times Intentionally

I am going through a rough time in one of my relationships. On the Meyer Briggs Test, I am an ENFJ. That NF in the middle tranlates to relationships are extremely important to me. Another translation is when I am experiencing difficulties in said relationships, I hurt deeply.

In the past I would allowed this to push me close to the deep end. I would have allowed my health to fall apart. I would have desperately run from dealing with the issue in an effort to avoid being overwhelmed by my own big emotions. Big emotions scare me. They have alot of power.

But a new day has dawned in my life. I know strive to live intentionally and authentically. That includes living authentically and honestly with myself, perhaps the hardest of all.

So here are a few things I am doing differently on this particular emotional rollercoaster.

- Food: Normally I would go one of two way, either stop eating or turn to rich, fatty comfort foods. The worst scenario is when I have managed to combine the two in some twisted, strange dance of starving and binging. This time I am intentionally choosing to eat healthier than I even normally do. I am increasing my fruits and veggies and my water intake. I am being even more selective.

-Exercise: I would normally fall of the exercise wagon and then proceed to wallow in my misery. I would quickly feel yucky, bloated, and out of shape. This, of course, would quickly ramp up my depression to new and unglorious heights. This go around I am faithfully adhering to my preset workout schedule. I don't care if I feel like it or not, I am determined to drag my grumpy butt to the starting point of each workout and push my self to do it.

-Dealing with the Issue: Directly confronting my feelings of loss, sadness, and disappointment is very hard. We all know this. I normally would run fast trying, and failing, to escape my problems. I feel my emotions strongly and deeply and can be quickly overwhelmed. But the truth is running away just makes it worse and harder to deal with it. So I am journaling (um, and blogging). I have confiding and relying on my amazing husband. He is a rock. I am leaning on my close friends. It is hard for me to make myself vulerable but it is good and necessary as long as your confidantes are safe and trustworthy.

- Loving My Littles: I am taking more time to love on my babies. Of course, this makes me feel better but it is more for them. Like their momma, they are both sensitive to emotions. No surprise, they are exceedingly sensitive to my emotions. I want them to be reassured that mommy is not upset with them. Also, I think it is very important our children see us experiencing and dealing with big emotions in healhty ways. How else shall they learn?

-God: Finally and probably the most important thing, I am seeking God in all of this. I am praying and reading more scripture. I am seeking Him as my ultimate source of wisdom, guidance, comfort, and peace. He never leaves me and will always hold me safely to Him.

So things are a hard but I am working through it. I am not going to lie, I much prefer happy times. But these times are necessary. These times are when the greatest growth and character development happen. In the times of great hardship is when we look into the mirror of who we really are. And it is the greatest opportunity to learn to dance in the storm. (Thank you Boom Crash Opera)

Super Cool: A Story of How I Learn a Lesson and Then Apply It

The other day I was driving into the mall. I know, the beginning of a scary story. I go into a one way entrance and this woman flies up the wrong way and almost hits me. I hit my horn and motion she is going the wrong way. She sits and stares at me. She doesn't move. I can't go back because I will be backing out, um the wrong way, into oncoming traffic. So we sit there. I again motion she needs to go back. She flips me off. It was....succinct. I finally manage to pull around her and in a moment of delightful maturity and grace on my part, I blew her a big kiss and stuck out my tongue. Seriously. Sometimes I don't get myself. Looking back, I am pretty sure she was embarrassed and froze. I could have had a little more grace.

Fast forward two nights ago, I was hot, tired, and decided to take the kids out for ice cream. You MUST understand something. I don't eat ice cream, cake, pie, and the like. When I say it is a rare treat believe me it does not happen often. Well, my order was not what I wanted and gross. I took it back and met the stereotypical Apathetic Teenager. Wouldn't replace it. Didn't care. Too bad so sad for Mrs. I want an ice cream I might actually enjoy eating. Again, that maturity surged to the rescue and I had a minor tantrum. (Can an adult have a MINOR tantrum or are they all pretty MAJORLY stupid??) Over ice cream. I had a tantrum over ice cream in front of my children. Proud, proud moment.

Yesterday, I went to the library. I had dropped my kids off at my parents and just needed to run in quickly. There I stood happily perusing the Bestsellers and this guy comes up out of nowhere to berate me for taking two parking places and being selfish so I wouldn't get a dent. (Right, because you know I protect the old Kia Sorrento like the luxury car it is.)I am standing there just looking at him thinking, did I? Does the library parking lot even have lines? I told him,"Sir I am sorry if I took up two places. I truly didn't mean too and if I inconvienced you I am truly sorry." His reply was pretty cool, "You are NOT sorry and you do NOT care. People are so selfish!" And he stormed off. I decided he was a crazy man and obviously his mental health care provider would be along soon to collect him.

As I continued with my book search, I thought of the past couple of days. I thought of my chidish sticking out of the tongue incident. I thought of my tantrum. I thought that in either situation if I had given grace or if they ice cream guy had given me a little grace how much better the incident could have went for everyone. Grace is not something we deserve. It is a present we give other people. I thought about the crazy man. Most likely he was having a horrible day and an innocent incident on my part set him off past what he could deal with. I made my decision.

I went over to him. He glared. I said, "Sir, I truly am sorry if my actions have upset your day. I have a 2 and 3 year old so dents and scratches are so far down on my list of concerns it is actually nonexistence. If I took up two spaces it was out of carelessness. I did not mean it."

He looks at me sheepishly, "Well, I am sure you didn't mean it. It could happen to anyone. I am sure I have done it without realizing it. Thank you for apologizing." I left him smiling and looking remarkably more peaceful.

I walked out to the parking lot with peace in my heart. I had chosen the better path and I felt right about it. My heart felt free and lighter.

The first thing I noticed was the library parking lot does NOT have lines. The second thing I saw was my suv sitting very straight, door opening width apart from the car next to me. The third thing I saw was the suv next to mine sitting completely, utterly, and without excuse diagonally across the implied spaces. I laughed alot.

I Am Extraordinary: Living a Life of Adventure and Challenge

You may have noticed I have been away from my blog lately. The reason is the following post. I actually wrote it some time ago but immediately following its creation, I went out and lived it. I hope you enjoy it.

The other day I was thinking of what a montage of my lie would look like and what I want my theme song to be. The theme song is easy to me, "Extraordinary" by Liz Phair. It is a great song about a woman who initially lives for others and their approval then suddenly says, "Heck with you people. I am pretty amazing just the way I am!!"

Now before you think my psyche is rife with unbridled arrogance, I'll share a little secret with you. I think every woman is extraordinary but many have not come to that realization. But you can my sweet sister, you really can.

Anyhoo, my life montage, let's get back to that, shall we? I do not want picture after picture of me sitting slack jawed on the couch watching mindless tv or hunched up in a chair blankly starting a computer screen. Nope, I want snaps of me climbing an obstacle, swimming a river, running through fire, and belly crawling through the mud. (Okay, okay so my montage closely resembles a Spartan Adventure Race and I do want to do that but let's stick with the metaphor.)

Ultimately, I want to live a life of adventure and challenge. I want deep, close relationships with people who will teach, encourage, nurture, and value me just as I am for who I am. I want to favor back to them. I want to love fully and joyfully, experiencing the pain and euphoria that comes with a well lived life.

I want to learn, always learn, another language, a new instrument, painting, whatever strikes my fancy and stirs the embers of my passion. The world is a vast, amazing place too full of wonder to ever be bored.

I want to physically challenge myself. I want to run a marathon and compete in hardcore triathlons. I long to the bottom of my soul to learn aerial silks and suspended hoops. Oh and I will do it. I want to find physical challenges diverse and varied. Of course, the aforementioned adventure races fit nicely right here.

Create. That is huge for me, artistic expression. Hooping falls in here. Poi, staff, and other flow toys are all fair game in this life of exploration. I want to expand my writing. I want "to do" art of all kinds. Who cares if I am any good??? I want to create.

What I am looking to do is to live my life fully. Every moment of every day means something. Each is valuable. Quiet moments can have some of the greatest impact. It is all so important and once a moment is gone it will never come back so I want to savor as many as I can.

Well, there is a fairly good description of what I want. But what do you want? What would your montage look like? Would you be amazed with joy or whould think, what have I been spending my time on? It is not too late, it is NEVER too late, to change your life story.

Thankfully, I Have a Sense of Humor About Myself

Wow, it has been a long time since I have last blogged. Like many in the glorious summer months, I have been busy. There have been some great times but sadly, I have slipped back into an old habit. I found something figuratively shiny and fixated.

You can't fault me for my enthusiasm and gung ho attitude. I tackle projects, challenges, and mountains, sometimes literal ones, with focus, determination, and sometimes (um, often) an unhealthy dose of obsession.

Yes, once again I have jumped in with both feet and bit off more than I can chew. Well, at least more than I WANT to chew. I have been loving the running thing. Coupled with the challenge of copetition, my natural drift to fixation happily leapt to the forefront. I planned on running a full marathon this fall, another in the spring, and a half Ironman a year from September. Grab the bull by the horns, wrestle it to the ground, and then find another beast to tackle. Right??? Can I hear a woo hoo!!?? Um, maybe not the best idea.

Here is the dangerous thing, I am physically and metnally strong enough to accomplish these goals. But the only way I can is a the exclusion of pretty much everything else in my life. Obsessive focus, table for one.

Lately I ahve had that empty, unsatisfied feeling. It is the first sign of trouble. A harbinger of going down the wrong path. Due to the these feelings, I have been assessing my life to find the problem, brain dumping lists on paper to find the element out of balance. I was desperate to tweak life back to contentment and peace. So often the solution is right there in front of me but manages to stay hidden in some quantum shift blind spot.

When I finally resigned myself to put on the glasses of honesty, I realized I have neglected many important aspects of life. Physically, I have not been lifting, cross trianing, or practicing yoga. I am not physically balanced and I am starting to pay a price for said imbalance. I have not been creating. Hooping is a major creative outlet for me. I have also failed to write, hence the neglected blog. My knitting is sitting in the butler's pantry untouched. I had a burning desire to start working with mixed media art but it strangely evaporated.(Warning, warning, danger of obsession ahead)

Another clue to the mess emerging in my life is the chaos of my physical enviroment. The house is messier. Projects I was determined to finish have been left undone. My beloved garden has been turning into an overgrown, wild mess. And not in a good way! Anytime my environment is chaotic, I guarantee my mind is chaotic. In this mess, I do not thrive.

But the absolute final piece of this puzzle was the shape of my relationships. I am a relational person. Good friends and family quicken me with the essence of life. It is one of the main sources of my energy and joy. I have been letting them all slide. I have not been seeking out my friends. I have been distant with John. But the biggest indicator something is wrong, I have been short tempered with my precious babies. I have felt annoyed and easily frustrated. It is wrong in so many ways. They are my joy, my blessing, and my most precious gifts. The deserve so much better than the momma I have been.

Ultimately, it was readily apparent I have fixated on these races to the detriment of things and people much more important to me. The decision to back off and rebalance was inevitable. I have to take the time to refocus my energy and passion. I can still accomplish these goals but a much slower paced timeline.

Lately, I have beent thinking a great deal about women's perceptions of themselves. I know alot of women desperately trapped in the cycle and cage of living for others or worse, for what others may think about them. I am going to be honest, for a fleeting moment I wondered what some would think of my decision to back off. Would they think I was weak? a quitter? Then my beautiful friend humility, whom I do not see nearly often enough, showed up and gentle stood her ground on the notion it must be done for the good of all I love, no matter what.

Self confidence quickly followed the lovely humility and declared, "So what if they do? Do we really care about the thoughts of people who would judge us?" Well nope, not really.

I want to encourage you to make the decsions, however hard or unpopular, that best serves you and your family. I hope you learn to scoff and ignore the people who would judge you. They really aren't important, they just think they are.

In the end, Liz Phair sang it best, "I AM extraordinary!" and so are you. I promise.

Peace my friends.

Happy is NOT the Only Acceptable Emotion

The past few days have been rather rough. There were some very stressful things happen in our lives and I was having trouble choosing joy daily. Not only that, but we have all been dealing with a bug and that makes it even less fun. Yesterday found me just down and sort of blue. I tried everything to snap out of it but it was not working. I focused on my blessings, on beautiful things, on things that normally bring me joy and peace. Nothing. Then the mantra that I repeat over and over for this house and my children plastered itself smack in the middle of my mind"

Happy is NOT the only acceptable emotion. All emotions are valid.

Hmmm, I do say that alot. You see, I do not demand my children to be happy all of the time. I do not demand for them to perform emotionally for me or anyone else on command. We are learning to be civil but civil is not slapping a fake smile on your face and pretending everything is happy happy joy joy when you are honestly dying a bit on the inside. That would be fake and dishonest. And it wouldn't be Authentic. That is also a commnon word in our house. Our children are allowed to be sad, scared, crabby, and even angry. They can even say, are you ready for this? "I am angry with you mommy!" That it totally permitted. They are allowed to voice their disagreement or objection to well, anything. That doesn't mean the situation will change but I am adamant they should learn to respectfully disagree and understand their feelings and opinions matter.

I know alot of parents would rather their children not show or deal with big emotions especially in public. It can be inconvenient, embarrassing, and messy. But do we really want to teach our children to stuff all their emotions down and put on their happy, public face? Has that really worked for anyone? Ever? Let's look at it.

Teaching people to stuff their emotions has led to a huge group of people who can no longer express their emotions but instead eat them. By this I mean they turn to food. Then they are dealing not only with eating disorders or obesity but eventually all of those suppressed emotions are going to come screaming out. There are people who turn to alchohol and drugs to self medicate the pain away. Often that pain is caused or exacerbated by the inability to process emotions and feelings in a healthy way. Then there are the people pleasers. They have been taught their thoughts and feelings do not matter. They must never tell anyone no becuase that could be offensive. Even when they are completely overwhelmed, they put on their happy face and keep on for the sake of appearances even though they are a destroyed mess on the inside.

Examples of how stuffing your emotions can affect you negatively run rampant in our society especially among women. The point is I want better for my children. Um, I want better for myself. I want to be healthy, honest, open, and authentic. I don't want to slap on my happy face and trudge out into the world with a fake facade and a dying heart. Nope, don't want that at all.

There is another saying in this house, "Grace is for mommas too." It stems from our parenting technique. We believe in gentle parenting and grace based discipline. We do not believe that punitive or shaming behaviors will benefit our children. In fact, we believe they can cause severe harm and damage to our relationship. So we extend grace to our children. Some days, momma needs even more grace than the babies do. Being graceful and loving with myself is a very important lesson to teach my children.

So I stood in my sad little place and I thought about all of this. Of course, this realization and self forgiveness was the release my bad mood needed. After I worked through this process, my mood lifted and I felt the joy return with ease and fullness.

Is happy the only acceptable emotion in your home or in your life? Do you really think it is serving you well? Does what other people think really matter THAT much to you?

Month of May Personal Challenge

I had every intention of challenging myself with three things this month, 20 minutes a day of yoga, 30 minutes daily hooping, and going sugar free. However, I am a firm believer you must embrace flexibility in order to fully live your life of abundance. A few things happened:

Two weeks ago in a fit of yuck, I gave up sugar early. I had intended for this to be only for the month of May but I have quickly refined my focus to incorporating it into my lifestyle. I did not realize the horrible grip sugar had on me. I feel incredible and I didn't feel that bad before. This is immendsely better. My sleeping issues just left. I am sleeping so soundly now and waking refreshed and ready for the day. Whole foods taste amazing. Finally, when the bloating in my abdomen left I was shocked. I did not understand at all the effect sugar had on me.

We have figuratively moved to Ireland. We have had so much rain I believe a displaced group of Irish refugee fairies have taken up residence in my now verdant and lush perennial garden. Although I am in pure love with my only two year old flowers, I can barely find enough dryness to hoop. Hooping inside is just not possible, so that challenge will wait. I will still hoop any day I can but I will not hold myself to a particular goal.

I did start my yoga challenge and it is lovely. I keep it to only 20 minutes as a goal because I am unable to truly practice with the children. I know, I know I can do yoga with the kids but it isn't the same. But I will probably be able to practice many days for much longer periods of time. I love yoga. It balances me in so many ways, physically and emotionally. When I practice regularly, I maintain a centered and content mind. It is amazing.

I am increasing my running because as I said last post, I am going for the full marathon. I am very excited about the training and the challenge it will be to my committment, determination, mental strength, and physical ability. I love reaching for goals that I am not quite sure I can make. It makes life...sweeter.

The Time Has Come...Sigh

The time has come for me to finally drop the last 15-20lbs. I am not fat. I don't have body issues, finally. But the fact of the matter is 135-140lbs (see I am not even sure) is just too much for my 5'3 extra small frame. I have a bad back from a car accident. Carrying extra weight begs for it to bother me. Plus, my running should even be better with less weight to carry. So, it is time.

I have not concerned myself with it lately. I refused to actually try to lose weight while training for the half marathon. I couldn't do both so I chose the race. But now I have a few months in between races and it is time to actively work on this.

My exercise is fine, beyond fine actually. I refuse to do more because that would be silly. I am active every single day and some days are crazy intense. So you know, there is only one place to change. It has to be done. The diet. I don't mean diet as in restricting calories but diet as in what I eat. I know many people who do not understand why they can't lose extra weight. They exercise but they won't change their eating habits.

And what the normal American eats is scary. It is no wonder obesity is blooming faster than flowers in spring.

Don't believe me? Track your own calories. There are awesome free sites out there to use. I love fitday.com but others swear by Sparks People. I have yet to find someone who was not surprised how many calories and junk they were eating when they accurately tracked their food intake. (So that is what a tablespoon of mayo looks like.)

My approach is simple, a clean, whole foods diet. What I mean by clean is no artificial sweetners, sweetners, preservatives, processed sugar, additives, and the like and organic in many aspects. That is right, no sugar. I have already started by elminating sweets but some of my granola and exercise bars have a low amount of sugar. Come May 1st those are going as well. I will be making homemade granola and finding alternatives. For how long? At least a month, longer if it is going well.

There is a second motive behind this, I am addicted to sugar. I really am and it is, well a rather terrible substance all in all. It is simply not good for you. Living without it completely would make your body very happy.

What I will be eating:
Lean meat but really sparingly
As much fruit as I want
As much veggie as I want either raw, steamed, or roasted with a little olive oil.
Nuts
Whole Grains
Honey and Maple Syrup, again sparingly
Lower Fat Dairy such as milk, greek yogurt, cottage cheese

I think that pretty much covers it. I think this new practice will also result in a break through for my health. I hope to really enjoy this new manner of even better eating and lack the desire to go back. That does happen rather often to me. Once my body felt the benefit, I no longer craved fried foods, most processed foods, etc. So I hope it will do this again.

I am also very excited because this is all happening at the same time as a bunch of new hoop classes and workshops. Couple it with a month of yoga and I am looking at a happy holistic healthy time. Those times always leave me feeling incredibly refreshed and rejuvenated. So there is alot of good in this even if I am no longer going to eat cookies. You just have to look at it the right way.

My First Half Marathon

I did it. I really did it and it still seems unreal to me. Yesterday, I ran my first half marathon, actually my first race of any kind, with a time of 2:15:46. It was one of the hardest and most satisfying things I have ever done. Ever. I am seriously having trouble believing it is real.

I think I was most suprised with my decided lack of nerves the morning of the race. I was pumped up and having a great time. I remember grabbing the hand of my just met the night before new friend Brook's hand so we could wind our way through the insane amount of people to get into our corral. My feeling was more that I was going to a dance party than I was preparing to accomplish something so life changing. I was chatting, playing, and laughing with all those around me. It was crazy fun.

When the race started, I felt this amazing calm come upon me. It took 15 minutes to walk to the start with all the people in front of us. I bent my head in prayer to thank my heavenly Father for the strength, the determination, the ability to do this race. I quickly realized, I was crying! I quietly cried with joy. I thought of all the hard runs, the cold weather, leaving my family so I could "fit in" 8 miles. I thought of all the aches and pain it had brought me. It had been a hard, hard road and there I stood on the brink of fulfillment. I stood (well, shuffled slowly with the crowd) absolutely amazed at what I was about to do.

I am not going to go mile by mile with the technical break down of each mile. I will say those hills were seriously hard. I do believe one was almost a mile long, seriously. All I could do was fix my gaze about 10-15 feet in front of me, focus on my breathing, and just put one foot in front of the next. But however I did it, I made it through.

From the very beginning it was evident to me that I was not going to be forced to struggle through or talk myself into completing this part. Trust me, I have completed many training runs on strength of will alone. But this was different. So I decided that this, like so many things in my life, was going to be an exercise in being present and aware. I am so glad I made that decision. I now have vibrant memories of cheering with crowds as I passed through, the beauty of Soulard's townhomes in the early morning light, the smell of the brewery (okay, maybe I could have done without that one). I remember how my body felt as it warmed up and became loose enough to run a comfortable stride and how it tensed up later and had to relax all over again. One of the fondest memories I will have is really feeling my feet start to hurt and then as I turned the corner I saw an incredible sign held aloft, "The only reason your feet hurt is because of how much butt you are kicking." That gave me energy for a couple of miles.

I really enjoyed running without music. I loved chatting with people and the sense of comraderie. It was immensely enjoyable and lifted my spirits and enabled my feet to fly. It was the best run of my life and I am rather sad it is over.

This experience has truly been life changing for me. The committment and dedication it required was beyond any challenge I have undertaken up to this point. There were times I wanted to quit. There were times I didn't believe in myself. I think pure stubborness and the refusal to admit on Facebook I was quitting was the only thing that carried me through some rought points. But in the end, I really did it. I proved to myself that I could. I proved to myself that I could set a very challenging goal, I could keep up with the day to day that was required, and when the time came, I shined brighter than I ever dreamed possible.

I am now looking forward to a different kind of challenge. The month of May will find me dedicated to yoga, hooping, and living life sugar free. It will be hard and challenging in its own way. My next running goal is another half marathon in October with an aim to come in under a 10 minute mile pace. But whatever the goals I set in my life, I am bursting with confidence I have the ability to see it through. I encourage you to set a goal and find this confidence if you don't already embody it. It is breathtaking.

Stage Fright, a Timely Reminder and a Big Change For Our Family

Things are happening, much to do, craziness abounds. The first order of business is my newly aquired massive bout of stage fright. Yep, stage fright it is. Hubs diagnosed me and he is right no the money. I am anxious, frustrated, and a little on the emotionally sensitive side. Seriously, all of these big feelings are bubbling up in me out of nowhere. I am not feeling like the most emotional stable person in the world of late. I could not figure it out and then John did, I have stage fright concerning my half marathon on Sunday. I am scared! What if I fail??? In front of all those people?? What if I choke at the last minute or just let myself give up??? I mean, if I do obviously the entire Go! Marathon (over 18,000k participants and countless spectators) will stop what they are doing to point and laugh, right? No? You think they might just keep running? Hmmm.

That brings me to the second part of this blog, a timely reminder. This came from an amazing friend name Missy. After assuring me that I will do fabulously she brought my attention to all the work I have done up until this point. And trust me, I have done the work. I remembered that all this training was the true win. I won last week when I ran over 13 miles by myself, with no one to encourage me, and no crowd to cheer me on. It was just me and the trail out there and I conquered it. So in the long run I have alreay run and Sunday is just the victory lap. Or how about how far I have come in the past 3 years? Three years ago I started this little adventure with the ubiquitous Couch to 5k program. The first time I ran 2 minutes, that is right 2 minutes!, I was sick in the Y's bathroom. I was in miserable shape. Again I state for the record, I have already won. Truthfully, I am feeling much better and I am sure it has nothing to do with the 2 hours of hooping I did today and the perfect spring weather.

Finally, there is the big change for our family. We have kicked the tv to the curb for the kids. John and I watch very little tv as it is but our kids, goodness. I am ashamed to admit but I started using the tv to babysit the kids when I needed to get something done or wanted to waste,er I mean spend more time on the computer. What finally prompted this was the kids having fights over what was on, Logan physically climbing the tv, and a general feeling of disconnect. I took a deep breath and said no more and we are going cold turkey. We just can't do limit. It doesn't work for us. We will have one movie a week for family movie and pizza night.

The change has been immediate and radical. First, the kids have barely asked for it. We have been reading so much more. They aren't fighting, they are easier to get along with, and we are simply more connected. We are laughing and playing together so much more. It has been amazing. I will keep you posted on if this all melts down in a blaze of withdrawal that I have yet to spot. Oh, and as a result I am spending a considerably less amount of time on the computer. I am pretty sure this will benefit me most of all.

Cultivating Friendships

It is less than two weeks before my first half marathon, my first race ever. I am very excited. I am running 12 miles this weekend but the thing is, I am ready. I am surprised but there you are. I don't know how fast or amazing I will be but I am ready. Actually, I will be pretty amazing to me because I am going to run 13.1 miles and that is pretty fabulous to me. I have a hard time believing it is real. But it is very real. So what next? That is the question right? I like what knowing what is next. It gives me comfort. In reality, I am fairly flexible and okay with my plans changing but I still like a plan, a rough map so to speak. The next stage is presenting itself in all its alliterative glory, "Family, Friends, and Fun". Not the most original perhaps but it is important to me. What does it mean exactly? Two things are a part of the foundation of this plan that make appear to be unrelated at first glance but I believe them to be critical. First, I am committing to a 60 day yoga challenge. Each day I will do at least 20 minutes of yoga. I hope to do much more but I want to make a realistic challenge. After all, I have two littles who very much need my attention. The second is all about the food. We are looking to really clean up our diet. We, hubs and I, are focusing on lots of fresh veggies and fruit with as much locally grown as possible. In fact, we are going to do some container gardening ourselves. We desire to follow as closet to a whole foods diet as possible with little to no processed food. Including within that statement is the idea that causes me a great deal of trepidation, saying good bye to white and brown sugar for the duration. It could be 30 days, 60 days, or who knows. I do know that I have an addiction to sugar and this is the only way to clean it from my system. What do the above two things have to do with a summer of "Food, Family, and Fun"? Well, I have known for awhile that I am slightly off center of the place a desire to be in my life. I don't like the word balance. It implies perfection to me and I am learning to revel in my glorious imperfect nature. Perhaps I can call it the center of my life. It is the place I am healthiest, happiest, and most at peace. It brings me calm. I like it there, its nice. It is also the best starting point for any endeavor I may undertake. Yoga and healthy, nourishing foods are two of the greatest helps to get there. This summer is important to me although it may seems fanciful or just another way to follow my bliss. Connections and relationships are of utmost important in our lives. I am coming to believe that although technology brings a great deal of information, help, and enables us to do things that just a few years ago were unthinkable, it also is creating distance and disharmony in our lives. I want to close those gaps and feel harmony again. I intend to actively pursue quality within my relationships. This intention is both for friends and family. I intend to eshew much of the technology in my home and focus instead and companionship and building friendships. I want to take the time to really get to know some just amazing people in my life. I have not decided how this will unpack, exactly. With so much of the everyday workings of my life on the computer, it is hard to get rid of it for any extended period of time. I do think it will be regulated to very limit use. Some days any screen time will be verboten. I desire to live my life more in reality than online. I want to take this time to refresh myself and revitalize my passions. This summer I hope my joie de vivre will explode and the result will turn the ordinary magical.

Momma is the Heart of the Home

There is something within me that keeps nudging me to write this post. Part of me doesn't want to because I don't want to sound self righteous and sanctimonous. The truth is, I write this with great humility becuase it comes from failure on my part. I am still desperately scrambling to learn this lesson in order to give my children the best childhood and upbringing I can.

I am sure you have all heared the saying, "If momma ain't happy, then nobody is happy." It really is true. Now I understand many people read it to say, then everybody better tow the line and walk on eggshells to ensure momma's happiness. But I read it, for me, to say momma you better get your act together, practice good self care, and understand the power your mood and mindset can have on your precious family. It can spread peace and warmth or it can wreak horrible havoc.

So what is the key to this? I think we have to lead an examine life. We have to be willing to peel back the layers and deal with the hard issues in ourselves so we don't blindly pass on our baggage and issues to our children. Seriously, if you refuse to deal with your issues and insist to practice the same broken behavior over and over again, how can you expect your children to do better? And isn't that insane to practice the same behavior over and over expecting a different outcome?

This post may be all over the place because it is swirling in my head. A few exampled leap to mind, self image and fear. I think these are biggies we pass on to our children and don't even know we are doing it.

I have met so many women who hate themselves. Listen to them and they will tell you. They are fat, stupid, lazy, worthless, pond scum really. Sometimes they will tell you outright. Sometimes it is in their "jokes". However they express it they are seriously in pain and are hurting so badly. Look at their precious faces. They are silently screaming for help but in their hearts they believe they are too worthless to be bothered with. They don't deserve to be healed and whole. They don't matter. I have seen these same women shocked and heart broken becasue their 9 year old daughters have started to repeat their self speak. They honestly cannot understand why their children would think such horrible things. They do not understand that as the mother, they are a role model and their children take most of their cues from momma. Mommas who hate themselves inadvertently teach their babies to hate themselves. It is heartbreaking.

The other thing is shame and fear. How many of deal with shame and fear? More than we would like to believe. How many examples do we give our children that life is a mean, scary, horrible place and it is better to never reach for the stars because you "might" fail. Instead of teaching our children that failure can be an amazing teacher or staring your fears in the face and overcoming it with determination, we teach them to hide and whatever you do, don't put yourself out there. You might get hurt. Are we truly willing to sacrifice joy, adventure, empowerment, and freedom because we "might" get hurt? Is that what we want to teach our children? To live a life of quiet desperation? That is better than rejection and possible failure?

John and I made a committment about many things when we first held our precious Hannah. There she lay, so warm and cuddled in my arms with her life stretching out before her. In that moment, we knew that we wanted to parent very differently than the norm. We knew we would fly in the face of many of the mainstream mainstays. We knew it would be hard but oh my, we didn't know it would be this hard.

You see, we are determined to raise children that are strong, independent, courageous, passionate, and willing to strike out on their own when they determine it is right for them. We pray they will love God and others fiercely and passionately. Throughout scripture we are command to do this and we are determine to raise our children to do just that. But you see, in order to do this, it means we have to get ourselves straightened out just a bit. (Hello, understatement party of one?) It means I have to face my fears, my baggage, my brokenness. I have to be painfully real and honest and not hide behind self-saving lies and niceties. It means I have to brook confusion and thoughts that do not have black and white answers but are filled to overflowing with murky shades of gray. It means I have to do the hard work and sometimes reopen a horrific painful wound so the puss and vileness can be cleansed and God can then heal me cleanly. We didn't know it would be this hard. But it is.

I have been struggling lately. Not with my faith per say because I believe wholeheartedly in God and in Christ. But there were other things, man made religiousthings really. Our church has just started a very long series on doctrine. Something within the first sermon filled my heart with purpose and understanding. It was stated that there are three types of doctrine, primary, secondary, and tertiary and it is primary doctrine that is really important. Don't let secondary and tertiary get you off balance becasue they are, in essence, debatable. It is primary that matters the most. For me that can be summed up with our life verse, I guess you could call it, Love God with EVERYTHING you have and love your neighbor (everybody not you) as yourself. Oh, and that means you better love yourself too.

So here is where I am, learning, delving, being in pain and joy. I ordered a couple of the books that is going along with the series. I also ordered a devotional from Tozer. I love Tozer. His writing speak directly to my heart. It should be here by Monday and I very much want it! I am going to spend the next several months refocusing on the primary doctrine of Christianity, my place in God's love, and whatever issues may stand in the way of God using me both within my family and elsewhere.

So momma understand, you really do set do set the tone for you home, your children, for life. It is so important for you to find peace and equilibrium. Don't be afraid of the hard work you will have to do to get there. It will be worth it. I promise.

Struggling

Alright, this blog is all about honesty so here it is. I am really struggling right now. There are all kinds of little things coming together to culminate is some bizarre, farcical rendition of Mr Toad's Wild Ride. First my training is HARD. Did I mention hard? Running 8 miles just exhausts me. Logan is into everything. He has learned to manipulate the child gates. Did I mention he is only 21 months old?? He is seriously a walking mess maker that hits when he is angry. Oh and does he get angry. Hannah is coming on her half year disequilibrium (3 1/2) and life has become dramatic, argumentative, whiny, and LOUD. The house is more of a mess than I am comfortable with on a daily basis. Eating healthy whole foods is proving to be a challenge. And we are going to buy a new car. I am actually excited about the last but serious even though it is well thought, planned, and we can afford it, the idea of spending the money it will take to buy a mid sized suv makes me want to vomit. Basically life is crazy and a bit rough.

Now that I have thrown out all the problems on the table, I guess I need to figure out what to do about them. I am a doer and I cannot just let them hang out. Drives me nuts. First and foremost, I am maintaining a positive attitude or desperately trying to each day. I know that makes me sound like Miss Suzy Sunshine on Prozac but seriously, what will getting all down, pouty, and weepy do for me?? Nothing, so I am going with forced cheeriness when necessary. It isn't fake if you admit to it, upfront and wholeheartedly.

The training is what it is. I knew it would be hard. I have never run this hard or this much in my life. Truthfully, it wouldn't mean very much if it was easy. So I shall continue on with my plan. OH, and be oh so very grateful that my husband rocks and is crazy supportive in all of this.

The kids, that is a biggie. We don't spank, don't yell, don't shame but honestly, these are the times that the rubber hits the road on these convictions. These are the times that test how serious you are about the whole thing. Well, we are that serious. One of the biggest problems has been screen time, for everyone including momma. I somehow went from not being okay at all with tv for kids to allowing them to watch absolutely sickening amounts. And now Hannah wants to play on the computer. One of the things all this enabled me to do was to spend far too much time on the computer. Well, we are all on strict lockdown. They are now limited to 1/2 hour in the morning and 1/2 hour after nap. I have put myself on a strict schedule as well. This will help, after the withdrawals, with alot of the drama around here. We already back to more reading, more crafts, and more time together. I love it and so do the kids.

The house just has to be as it is. It isn't scary filthy just not to my standards. Obviously, it is time to drop those standards for awhile. I am going to take this as another lesson in adjusting and being flexible for the season of life. Then I will indulge in a madcap spring cleaning spree in May. That will be happy.

Food is a tricky one, something has to give. You can eat nasty food for quick and cheap. Not going to do that. I am not going to work out this hard to trash my body. You can eat cheap and healthy if you are willing to put in the time to prep and do the work. Well, right now time is at a premium. So we are left with the only good option, we are going to eat healthy food prepped by someone else that costs a silly amount of money. It is only for 7-8 weeks so it is doable for right now. But it hurst my frugal little heart a bit.

As far as the car, I really am excited. We are looking at a Kia Sorrento or a Hyandai Verracruz. We are a super active and on the go family and we need more room to support that lifestyle. Also, I really want to be able to take mama and papa with us to things like the Forest Park Balloon Glow and the Our Lady of the Snow lights at Christmas. The kids adore spending time with them. It isn't a bad thing to hesitate before spending such a large sum of money. It makes you really think before you do it.

So it is a crazy time in life but there are still a myriad of opportunities to be intentional and grow. Maintaining a good attitude has been crucial. I am happy to see we are standing firm in our parenting convictions even when times are super tough. We will get through this and we will be better for it on the other side. Good times are great and wonderful. I love them. But it is during the tough times, the hard times, you can come to understand you are stronger and more flexible than you thought or if you find it hard, it points out where you need to change. That is always a wonderful thing when you look back on it.

Year of Eucharisteo?

For some time now I thought of the coming year as the year of facing and overcoming my fears. I do that. I give the coming year a theme. I don't do resolutions or even goals, not really. I just decide what I want to work on in the next 12 months. So that has been the name of 2011. You can imagine my surprise when my heart said, "Nope, I don't think so. I don't like it." Of course my brain argued, "But its been decided! The invitations have been sent and the napkins are printed." With absolutely no remorse my heart replied, "Don't care. Don't like it." My heart won.

I fully intend to face life and my fears head on this year and hopefully, every year to come. But I understand where my heart was going. It seems wrong to give my fears, the very things I am determined to shred to utter insignificance, that kind of pomp and importance. Why put my fears up on the pedestal of my year theme? Just trounced them, put them in there place, and be done with them already. Why not focus on something positive and joy giving? My heart wants to live in the yes not the no.

Not only did my heart shrink from the fear title, there was already another idea on the horizen. I like it much better. It is about gratitude, joy, and love. It is about living a life of yes. It is about eucharisteo. Isn't that an amazing word? It is greek. It means to give thanks. And that is what I want to spend my year doing, giving thanks.

We are blessed beyond measure. We truly are. If I am honest, and I do try to be, we are blessed with an embarrassment of riches. I often am surprised and delightly to realize my life is this good. It is not the life dreamed of because it is better than anything I dreamed of. I have an amazing husband, gorgeous and wonderful children, family that loves me, friends that stand by me, more food and stuff than I could ever need, and God's infinite grace, mercy, and love. I am seriously blessed. And I want to spend this next year giving thanks for it all.

Another thing I intend to focus on is paying special attention to the relationships in my life. I am sad to say, I take them for granted. I want to give them the love and energy they deserve. I have some amazing people in my life. I hope to take special care to love and nurture them. Ihope to develop deeper relationships with my friends and family. I want to know John, Hannah, and Logan more intimately. They are incredible people and more fascnating with each passing day.

Living the life of yes. I long to have a yes face, spirit, and heart. I want to be more intentional and say yes much more often, especially with my beautiful babies. We all know that yes often brings with it alot of mess! But that is okay, it is good. I want my children to have the freedom to explore and create. I want them to remember a happy, messy childhood with a momma who embodied the spirit of adventure and openness.

I intend to be more present. I read an awesome essay the other day that we rob today if we are fixated on the things of the past we cannot change or become too focused on the futre that has not, and perhaps will not come. Each moment is fleeting and shall never come again. Each moment is a precious gift from God. I pray I will learn to savor and celebrate these moments. I pray to remember that those ordinary moments are often extraordinary moments under a thin layer of disguise begging to be discovered.

Finally on a purely personal note, I intend to explore the joy of movement as much as possible. I hope to hoop more and include as many other flow toys as possible in my life. I was gifted a pair of mini poi hoops for Christmas. I am so excited to learn to work with them. I am going to a movment workshop in a couple of weeks and one of the cool things is I will get a poi set (not hoops). I hope to learn aerial exercises and experience antigravity yoga. I am eager to discover what my body can do if I allow it the necessary freedom. Playing with flow and movement has given me more joy, more peace, and more happiness than I could have even imagined. It has encouraged me to find the rhythym of my breath and my heart. It has taught me about the beautiful, flowing rhythym of life. It has been an amazing gift.

This is my Year of Eucharisteo. This is the year to celebrate and give thanks for the blessings covering my life. So, what does your heart long to do this year? Is there something buried deep wanting your attention? Maybe something not so practical but beautiful none the less? Do you have the courage to follow your heart in the coming year and enjoy the adventure and journey along the way?

What If Failure is No Longer an Option?

The presents are bought and wrapped. The few events I have schedule for the family are on the calender. The food I need for upcoming events is being bought as we speak. We are ready to go for Christmas. With those taks accomplished, my mind is moving to the New Year. I don't make resolutions. I don't keep them and then they are over. I do, however, set goals to work on. These have evolved to have a theme. The theme this year is "Overcoming My Fear of Failure". It is a biggie for me. Even talking about it stirs up the butterflies in my stomach. It is going to be good, scary but good.

This has me thinking about our culture of winning and how that attitude has affected all of us but especially me. Recently, I was involved in a rather heated Facebook argument about winning being the most important thing. I said it wasn't. I was lambasted by a man that didn't know me. He told me I had a horrible attitude and my attitude was going to ruin my children (that he didn't know if I had or not) and I was going to make them....weak! He was really serious about his position.

After much thought I have decided that for myself, growing up with a winning is everything cultural mentality is what really contributed to my weakness. Don't misunderstand me, I am not promoting the extreme opposite idea that you can't ever let your kids fail or lose becasue it will damage their self esteem and that would be horrible. That is just as bad. But here is my admission, my desire to win to suceed was so strong it created a debilitating fear of failure within me to the point I would no longer even try something if I could not guarantee extreme success. I simply would not even try. Then I had no possibilty of failure.

This attitude has robbed me of so much. Truth be told, I have a sneaking suspicion I am far from the only one. I believe this theft has happend on a mass social scale. It robbed me of experiences, growth, lessons to be learned, humility, overall it robbed me of the journey. The journey, I am quickly learning, is what it really is about. The end event or product is a small, small part of the whole if you think about it.

It also takes away from your personal relationships. These are far more important than winning in my estimation. The winning is everything mentality quickly produces a winning at all costs life. The ends justify the means. Run over and trash that person you refer to as friend because otherwise, they might beat you. That may snatch that victory for you. Don't stop to help someone on their own journey because that humilty and compassion is really just weakness. Winning doesn't have room for that.

Well, winning may not have room for that but my heart and my life has room to spare for it.

Let's talk about failure. Seriously, what if failure was no longer an option because your focus turned to the process of achieving the goal and the lessons you learned? What if you change your perspective to see the achievement is truly giving a goal the best you have? What if the best you have was less than your all because you desired to maintain balance in your life? These things are what I am thinking about with this coming year just around the corner.

A couple of practical things I am planning on doing is running a half marathon in April and studying aerial silk arts this summer. Both are scary to me because there is a possibility I may not be able to achieve the goals to the perfection I normally would demand. I can finish the half but will I have the grace for myself needed if I can't run the whole thing? Aerial silk arts is that cool thing you see on Cirque de Soleil, two long pieces of fabric hung 20ft plus in the air and the perfomer climbs and winds the material about her body and then turns every which way. Come on! I am almost forty years old! Will I be strong enough? Limber enough? Will I fall on my head in front of nubile 20 year olds? Will I have the humility and strength of character to laugh with joy when I do? Will I find beauty in the movement no matter how clumsy or unskilled? I truly hope so. I hope I learn these lessons.

So, I am embracing this journey. I am embracing the possibility of failure. I intend to explore my perceptions, my inhibitions, and my heart and discover the greater lessons contained beneath the surface of winning and losing. This year, I hope to grow more than ever before. Want to join me?