Today, We Dropped Out For a Bit

I am an introvert. It is rather funny but true. Yes, I am boisterous and exhuberant. Yes, I am chatty and rarely meet a stranger. But the reality is, I am a fairly large introvert. All of that living life out loud exacts a price. It often exhauts me and leave me emotionally raw. Learning the proper balance in my life has been crucial. I used to think I was almost 50/50 extrovert/introvert. I have begun to realize it is more like 40/60 or even 30/70.

Then there is another mitigating factor. Sometimes people just get on my last nerve....seriously.

That is where I found myself today, sort of emotionally raw and not feeling oh so friendly and loving to others (my kids and husband are thankfully exempt). So we had a ditch day from life.

Cannot begin to tell you how much of a right choice this was.

I loaded the kids and a picnic lunch up in the car and off we went. We travelled to a park not remotely local. No one knew us there and that was a beautiful thing. The really beautiful thing was the day and the setting. First this weather had been unbelieveable. It was in the mid 80's. That is just phenomenal weather in St Louis in March. But the park was just incredible. There were rolling hills, horses, a playground, and walking trails that twisted and turned through ponds and creeks. The kids had a ball and I relished the silence and peace.

Don't get me wrong, I love people. I really do. But sometimes I just need a break from it all. I don't see this as a bad thing. It is just a me thing. I embrace it and nurture it. Fighting it wouldn't do anything but cause more pain, stress, and suffereing. And what is the point of that???

I am going to start adding pictures to my blog. I think it adds a little something, a little interest. My cord to download has been living in Dallas until recently. We expect it home soon.

I am really excited to share with you some rather huge changes I have made in March. I am just waiting for the month to finish out. It is the whole, I have done this for a month thing. It is good stuff.

I guess this post is about knowing who you are and what you need. This knowledge helps us become better at being ourselves. That is also a good thing. I encourage all of you to play hooky some days and think about what you really need and what your priorities really are. It might just surprised you.

Rhythm and Routines

Spring is coming. It feels even closer to me because I just returned from a lovely trip south. There it was full-fledged spring. The dogwoods and bradford pear trees were in bloom, the flowers were in full color, and the grass was green and that amazing smell of new earth was everywhere. I loved it. I didn't want to leave. Here in the Midwest, we are not quite there but we are in the brink.

Both the impending arrival of spring and my return home from an extended trip has spurred on my nesting instincts and desires. I have been cleaning, cooking yummy, healthy whole food meals and treats, and refining our routines and rhythms. It is just that time of year and I love it.

Routine and rhythm go hand in hand for me. Routine keeps my sanity. I cannot abide chaos and that is what living without routine brings for me. Things are forgotten, appointments missed, and opportunities slip by without being taken. It upsets my sense of order. I am not into regimentation but I need routines to propel us through the day. Each morning flow the same, we wake up, snuggle, I do yoga, make the beds and tidy, feed the kids, etc. Throughout the day you can find a similar plan ending with our bedtime routine. My kids know what is going to happen and nothing is missed. It creates peace for us.

Rhythm is different but every bit as important. Rhythm keeps me from going into perfectionist mode and keeps us from dawdling until we are running late. This morning I had a yoga class at a specific time. I also needed to do a load of laundry and do the dishes as part of our routine. But the thing is if I accomplished the whole routine, and I could have, it would have made us harried and rushed. That is a sure recipe for crabby mornings around here. So I let it go. I keep us rather lightly scheduled so we can have time to be impromptu and spontaneous AND fit in things that would otherwise throw us into a tizzy. It works for us.

Lately I am discovering a new purpose for rhythm and it is teaching me wonderful lessons. The rhythm of your season in life is what it is and if you fight it and insist it comform to what you think you want, you will make you and probably your family a crazy, stressed mess. Not very peaceful, huh? My youngest child is a high needs toddler. It is who he is especially at this time. He needs alot of my attention, energy, patience, creativity, well alot of ME. Now I have a habit of trying to picture how things should go. I really don't think this is a productive habit because if you narrow things down to how you think it should go, you miss out on allowing them to develop naturally and organically. And letting that happen is usually the better way of doing it. Go with that flow, you know? Logan is teaching me I cannot have things the way I want them, when I want them. He is teaching me ever more each day to go with the flow.

I will admit it has been frustrating. But I am learning to live my life where I am not where I think I should be. Whether it is yoga, meditation, blogging, trips, whatever it is, I have had to learn to make adjustments and deal with the reality of my situation.

Strangely, I find it usually works out for the better.

Flow and Learning to Go With It

Today I was supposed to go on a really cool outing with my bestie. We do not have the time to hang out all day for the most part so it was going to be amazing. We carefully planned it several weeks ago. At the last minute, her son became ill. This kid is almost never sick but sick he was and our day was cancelled. Was it disappointing? Yes, but not nearly as much as it would have been even a few weeks ago.

Why? Because I have been learning to let go of expectations and just go with the flow. Go with the flow of the day, the visit, the whatever. Live the moment as it unfolds. I have been trying to just show up and see what happens without having a preplanned script or scenario mentally typed up in my head. Let's just see what happens.

This may sound fairly mundane to many of you but to me, it is huge. I am a recovering overacheiving perfectionist and control freak. Thoughout my life I have had the intelligence, charisma, manipulation skills, and sheer stubbornness to get my way in most things. I could orchestrate and steer a situation to give the desired outcome. But it cost alot. I was not as kind, loving, or gentle as I wanted to be, as I knew I needed to be for my own peace and contentment. Manipulation sucks and does great wrong to others. Also, what did I cost myself in experience? If I had not been so controlling and had let things develop naturally, I think the outcomes may have far exceeded my narrow minded scenario.

Not very long ago, we had some freaky money stuff. Let's just say, it could have been very scary and rather detrimental to our overall financial health. There were two ways of handling it, freak out and worry and see which one of us could manifest ulcers first, or.....let it go. Each day we did what we could to make the best of the situation and then just let it go. It wasn't going to make anything better to dwell and fret. In fact, I can easily see where it would have made the whole thing worse. I am so grateful for that amazing learning experience!

So now each day I wake up and we have our plans and routines but if they don't come to fruition or if something comes up, I am very flexible on letting it go and see where the day takes us. It has resulted in some amazing experiences we would not have had if I had stubbornly insisted we hold course.

I highly recommend this just going with it and see where the day, the moment takes you.

Strange Day

I have been very productive and active recently. We have stayed on top of our schedule and so through to completion things needing to be done. I have upped my workouts and they are kicking my butt. It is a good thing. I love it. But I am tired so I decided to take the day off to rest.

My goodness, it has sucked.

The kids and I are all feeling wimpy and whiny. I think we may all be on the verge of throwing fits. We are NOT on our best behavior, not one little bit. It is pretty brutal around here.

If you know me, you will know I can let this experience go by without examining it. It isn't in my nature. Once a dear friend said, "Karen, sometimes you are just in a bad mood and that is the way it is. Don't you agree?" I gave a resounding no to that. I believe my moods always have a starting point, a seed they have grown from to blossom into whatever they choose to be.

First, I am going to let my little ones off the hook. I am pretty sure this whole day can be dumped at my door for the reason. I am empathic and feel other people's emotions. I have given birth to two gorgeous babes who are also affected by other people's emotion. Not surprisingly, they are probably most affected by the emotions of moi. Suprise. Suprise. Right?

So they are off the hook. Poor things are just channeling momma.

I am fairly exhausted. Like I said above I have really increased the intensity of my workouts. I have a plan for my first year of my 40's but that is a different post. What I think is truly the matter is I have been digging deep spiritually. I have spent more time practicing yoga, meditating, and praying. Actually, it is a great time of growth for me and it is wonderful. But in all things with the good comes the bad. I have found a lot of yuck and nastiness coming out that must be dealt with decisively. Baggage, old emotions suppressed, questions, fears, many things have come to light. In the end, it will be a very good thing to deal with and slough off these negative things but it is exhausting right now.

But then I ran into a little gem of wisdom. I am still chewing on it and thinking about it. Here it is,

"Do not allow yourself to fall apart or it will become a habit. Practice being strong."

The quote is from Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Just want to give credit, you know.

Anyway, it is very timely for today. I am really feeling awash in negative emotions. It would be easy to lie down and just fall apart a little. But would that do any good? Would that care for my children? Would that care for my soul, my spirit? No, it would just leave me feeling defeated and more exhausted. So I need to practice being strong.

Now I do not believe this means I need to repress or deny my emotions. They are what they are. They need to be dealt with or they will, ultimately, control me whether I realize it or not. But I can choose how I deal with them and at what speed. I can say, today I will deal with the idea of guilt and shame over this particular failing or perceived failing. When I have dealt with that I am going to take a break and then maybe deal with something else, if I am up to it.

There is some pretty serious upheaval going on in my head. I think there will be some things I won't want to confront or seriously consider but I must. If I don't, I think I will be stagnant in my growth and the result will be more akin to chasing my own tail rather than continuing on the journey and path I know I am meant to explore.

I am just grateful I trust God will give me the strength and the wisdom to persevere and see this through.

Really??? Not Again

Okay this is not a very well thought out post. In fact, this post is more therapy and a sounding board for the very unwelcome thoughts in my mind. So if you want to turn back now, go ahead. Not a problem.

For those of you who stayed, don't you just hate when you become exactly what you have railed against? You know that thing that most irks you and gets under your skin, the one that just rakes your spine like a nails on a chalkboard? (Do they even have those anymore?) Yeah, that thing and then you are bopping along one day and you look into the mirror to put on some simply gorgeous glittery pink lip gloss and instead of seeing lips that need some sparkle you are confronted with a monster. Some yucky thing you never realized you had become.

My monster is that lately I have become a judgemental know it all who presumes to know everyone's story better than they do and feels the need to share my "knowledge".

Blech. Ick.

Look, I value bluntness. I think truth in love is a wonderful and needed thing but lately I have been ridiculous. My haughty arrogance has done nothing but show my ignorance and I will admit, I don't like it. I feel all naked and stuff. Very uncool if you know what I mean.

My biggest stumbling block is difficult partners. I have this issue in a variety of ares but parnters is my pet gripe. I have no problem telling someone exactly what I would do if my husband did this, that, or the other thing. And you know what? I really would do what I say. However, and this is a big however, there is a little catch. I believe that in most relationships one partner is simply more difficult than the other. One partner needs to be handled with a little more kid gloves and gentleness than the other. I have seen it time and again. But here is the rub, the reason MY husband would never do this or that is because I AM the difficult partner. I really am. I have always been honest about this little fact but the irony eluded me.

So where do I go from here? Well change is necessary. Kindness and compassion must come to forefront and reign sumpreme. The next time I muse to myself, "I don't know what they are thinking!" I better quickly remind myself that indeed I do NOT know and probably need to keep my judgments to myself.

So to anyone I have been haughty or behaved in a supercilious manner, I deeply apologize. I sort of feel the fool. I hope I wasn't too hurtful.

But in the long view I will just see this as another area to grow. It is another layer of onion to be peeled away. Being humbled from time to time is not a bad thing. It keeps us loving and gentle. It gives us our core of humanity. So I guess in a weird way I am glad this happened.

End therapy session and authentic (and pretty embarrassing) musings.

Who We Are vs What We Do

Our society values productivity and accomplishment. These expectations produce an atmoshpere of constant activity as people scurry around trying to do more and more. There is no free time because if any accidently appears, more stuff is quickly crammed into it.

These observations are not ground breaking. Many before me have taken not of the culture of relentless activity. The truth is it produces little more than exhasuted, worn-out, burnt-out people. It leads to a disconnect with families and nonexistent self care.

So my questions is, why do we do it?

I beleive the answer lies in the idea that we are nothing more than our accomplishments. We convince ourselves we have no personhood outside of what we do. Take away those trappings and we would cease to exist. More frightening to many, we would cease to be considered important by others. Since so few people truly have a strong, independent sense of self, this could easily be a tragedy.

I do not believe it has to be this way. More to the point, I do not believe it should be this way. There is much better if you have the courage to take it.

I truly believe that each person has intrinsic value and is worthwhile in and of themselves. I believe that within each heart, God has planted the seeds of greatness. By greatness, I do not mean the defination normally employed by society. I do not believe it entails a socially powerful, flashy, or notorious life where "everyone" knows you or worse, fears you. In fact with those extra pressures weighing heavily, I wonder if it is not harder to achieve ture joy and peace if you are that kind of "great" person.

No, the greatness I speak of is living a life of relational fullness. A life listening to the voice of God t guide you on a path that will quietly benefit you and those in your sphere of influence. A life filled with soft moments of true contentment and peace. Knowing each day you intentionally choose to live as many moments as possible intentionally and to their fullest potential.

That life may not look like much from the outside but on the inside, it is a life containing far more moments soaring with the eagles rahter than wallowing with the pigs.

Another aspect is how we view othe people. Often we are ignorant of the acts of kindess and charity the people around us commit and live out each day. How many people secretly slip the pastor a hundred dollars for the family who just lost their income? How many go about their lives helping neighbors, visitng the sick, and caring for those struggling? They quietly give aid, not looking for recognition. Instead they choose to preserve the dignity of those they help and are not looking to raise their own worth in the public eye.

How many times do we judge peole harshly when we cannot begin to fathom or understand their true story?

The bible tells us to live quiet lives of righteousness (please note this isn't self-righteousness) and to do good secretly and not seek public recognition. Christ also taught in the Sermon on the Mount that we should not judge others. I think these are both important ideas to keep in mind. Perhaps it will help us assign positive intent.

Many will argue that what we do is a testament to who we are and I agree, and disagree. It is a component and it does tell part of your story. But it is such a small part of you that it cannot be considered reliably indicative of your true self in enough instances. .

In the end, you are valuable and truly mean something just because you are you.

Summer Insouciance

Not much blogging going on lately. I must admit, this summer has left me bereft of mojo and feeling blah. We have just come through the hottest July in 31 years. It has been unbearable at times. The kids and I hibernate in order to survive the day.

For the most part, all is well. Life is going on fairly smoothly. Workouts fine. House decent shape. Children all in one large piece and relatively happy. It isn't bad.

But it isn't great and I love living in great.

I think the worst part of this hot summer is that I feel my creativity has just been drained away from me. I have the energy to perform necessary tasks but that is pretty much it. My passion, my overflowing joy appears to have fled north for cooler climes. I don't feel like knitting or creating any art. The days just leave me feeling meh. I love that word, meh. It is so ......beautifully descriptive don't your think.

The two things I miss most are hooping and writing. The outside feels like a furnace early in the morning. It isn't hooping weather. Even if I was game, it is too hot for my kids to be stuck out there. As far as writing, I just don't feel I have much to say right now. My daily journal entry could be, "Everything okay. Holding course. Will contact when have more to report". That is about it.

But there is good things. Come on, you knew I would have good things in here.

First, I have jumped back into yoga. I need that mind, body, and spirit connection. I rearranged my workouts to fit in two challenging yoga classes a week. I need the accountability of class because I know I will not be faithful at home. I am already calmer and that is a good, good thing.

Second, and probably the most important, I am getting down time. I don't rest well. I am a living ball of energy always bouncing hither and yon. I do not sit still. I am always going, doing, producing. Good stuff really, but if you don't rest you will burn out. This heat has enforced a time of rest upon me. I am coming to understand my passions and creativity have not died. No, they are doing something much more wonderful. They are composting and percolating. They are swirling in shapes and designs to incredible to fully grasp. I believe when the heat breaks and the cool of autumn is upon is, they will burst forth with new life and energy. I will soon be exhuberantly grateful for this time of desolation and emptiness.

So I am here. I am growing in ways quiet and hidden. I am excited to see where it will all take me.

Stay cool out there. It is crazy hot.

Dealing With Hard Times Intentionally

I am going through a rough time in one of my relationships. On the Meyer Briggs Test, I am an ENFJ. That NF in the middle tranlates to relationships are extremely important to me. Another translation is when I am experiencing difficulties in said relationships, I hurt deeply.

In the past I would allowed this to push me close to the deep end. I would have allowed my health to fall apart. I would have desperately run from dealing with the issue in an effort to avoid being overwhelmed by my own big emotions. Big emotions scare me. They have alot of power.

But a new day has dawned in my life. I know strive to live intentionally and authentically. That includes living authentically and honestly with myself, perhaps the hardest of all.

So here are a few things I am doing differently on this particular emotional rollercoaster.

- Food: Normally I would go one of two way, either stop eating or turn to rich, fatty comfort foods. The worst scenario is when I have managed to combine the two in some twisted, strange dance of starving and binging. This time I am intentionally choosing to eat healthier than I even normally do. I am increasing my fruits and veggies and my water intake. I am being even more selective.

-Exercise: I would normally fall of the exercise wagon and then proceed to wallow in my misery. I would quickly feel yucky, bloated, and out of shape. This, of course, would quickly ramp up my depression to new and unglorious heights. This go around I am faithfully adhering to my preset workout schedule. I don't care if I feel like it or not, I am determined to drag my grumpy butt to the starting point of each workout and push my self to do it.

-Dealing with the Issue: Directly confronting my feelings of loss, sadness, and disappointment is very hard. We all know this. I normally would run fast trying, and failing, to escape my problems. I feel my emotions strongly and deeply and can be quickly overwhelmed. But the truth is running away just makes it worse and harder to deal with it. So I am journaling (um, and blogging). I have confiding and relying on my amazing husband. He is a rock. I am leaning on my close friends. It is hard for me to make myself vulerable but it is good and necessary as long as your confidantes are safe and trustworthy.

- Loving My Littles: I am taking more time to love on my babies. Of course, this makes me feel better but it is more for them. Like their momma, they are both sensitive to emotions. No surprise, they are exceedingly sensitive to my emotions. I want them to be reassured that mommy is not upset with them. Also, I think it is very important our children see us experiencing and dealing with big emotions in healhty ways. How else shall they learn?

-God: Finally and probably the most important thing, I am seeking God in all of this. I am praying and reading more scripture. I am seeking Him as my ultimate source of wisdom, guidance, comfort, and peace. He never leaves me and will always hold me safely to Him.

So things are a hard but I am working through it. I am not going to lie, I much prefer happy times. But these times are necessary. These times are when the greatest growth and character development happen. In the times of great hardship is when we look into the mirror of who we really are. And it is the greatest opportunity to learn to dance in the storm. (Thank you Boom Crash Opera)

Thankfully, I Have a Sense of Humor About Myself

Wow, it has been a long time since I have last blogged. Like many in the glorious summer months, I have been busy. There have been some great times but sadly, I have slipped back into an old habit. I found something figuratively shiny and fixated.

You can't fault me for my enthusiasm and gung ho attitude. I tackle projects, challenges, and mountains, sometimes literal ones, with focus, determination, and sometimes (um, often) an unhealthy dose of obsession.

Yes, once again I have jumped in with both feet and bit off more than I can chew. Well, at least more than I WANT to chew. I have been loving the running thing. Coupled with the challenge of copetition, my natural drift to fixation happily leapt to the forefront. I planned on running a full marathon this fall, another in the spring, and a half Ironman a year from September. Grab the bull by the horns, wrestle it to the ground, and then find another beast to tackle. Right??? Can I hear a woo hoo!!?? Um, maybe not the best idea.

Here is the dangerous thing, I am physically and metnally strong enough to accomplish these goals. But the only way I can is a the exclusion of pretty much everything else in my life. Obsessive focus, table for one.

Lately I ahve had that empty, unsatisfied feeling. It is the first sign of trouble. A harbinger of going down the wrong path. Due to the these feelings, I have been assessing my life to find the problem, brain dumping lists on paper to find the element out of balance. I was desperate to tweak life back to contentment and peace. So often the solution is right there in front of me but manages to stay hidden in some quantum shift blind spot.

When I finally resigned myself to put on the glasses of honesty, I realized I have neglected many important aspects of life. Physically, I have not been lifting, cross trianing, or practicing yoga. I am not physically balanced and I am starting to pay a price for said imbalance. I have not been creating. Hooping is a major creative outlet for me. I have also failed to write, hence the neglected blog. My knitting is sitting in the butler's pantry untouched. I had a burning desire to start working with mixed media art but it strangely evaporated.(Warning, warning, danger of obsession ahead)

Another clue to the mess emerging in my life is the chaos of my physical enviroment. The house is messier. Projects I was determined to finish have been left undone. My beloved garden has been turning into an overgrown, wild mess. And not in a good way! Anytime my environment is chaotic, I guarantee my mind is chaotic. In this mess, I do not thrive.

But the absolute final piece of this puzzle was the shape of my relationships. I am a relational person. Good friends and family quicken me with the essence of life. It is one of the main sources of my energy and joy. I have been letting them all slide. I have not been seeking out my friends. I have been distant with John. But the biggest indicator something is wrong, I have been short tempered with my precious babies. I have felt annoyed and easily frustrated. It is wrong in so many ways. They are my joy, my blessing, and my most precious gifts. The deserve so much better than the momma I have been.

Ultimately, it was readily apparent I have fixated on these races to the detriment of things and people much more important to me. The decision to back off and rebalance was inevitable. I have to take the time to refocus my energy and passion. I can still accomplish these goals but a much slower paced timeline.

Lately, I have beent thinking a great deal about women's perceptions of themselves. I know alot of women desperately trapped in the cycle and cage of living for others or worse, for what others may think about them. I am going to be honest, for a fleeting moment I wondered what some would think of my decision to back off. Would they think I was weak? a quitter? Then my beautiful friend humility, whom I do not see nearly often enough, showed up and gentle stood her ground on the notion it must be done for the good of all I love, no matter what.

Self confidence quickly followed the lovely humility and declared, "So what if they do? Do we really care about the thoughts of people who would judge us?" Well nope, not really.

I want to encourage you to make the decsions, however hard or unpopular, that best serves you and your family. I hope you learn to scoff and ignore the people who would judge you. They really aren't important, they just think they are.

In the end, Liz Phair sang it best, "I AM extraordinary!" and so are you. I promise.

Peace my friends.

Month of May Personal Challenge

I had every intention of challenging myself with three things this month, 20 minutes a day of yoga, 30 minutes daily hooping, and going sugar free. However, I am a firm believer you must embrace flexibility in order to fully live your life of abundance. A few things happened:

Two weeks ago in a fit of yuck, I gave up sugar early. I had intended for this to be only for the month of May but I have quickly refined my focus to incorporating it into my lifestyle. I did not realize the horrible grip sugar had on me. I feel incredible and I didn't feel that bad before. This is immendsely better. My sleeping issues just left. I am sleeping so soundly now and waking refreshed and ready for the day. Whole foods taste amazing. Finally, when the bloating in my abdomen left I was shocked. I did not understand at all the effect sugar had on me.

We have figuratively moved to Ireland. We have had so much rain I believe a displaced group of Irish refugee fairies have taken up residence in my now verdant and lush perennial garden. Although I am in pure love with my only two year old flowers, I can barely find enough dryness to hoop. Hooping inside is just not possible, so that challenge will wait. I will still hoop any day I can but I will not hold myself to a particular goal.

I did start my yoga challenge and it is lovely. I keep it to only 20 minutes as a goal because I am unable to truly practice with the children. I know, I know I can do yoga with the kids but it isn't the same. But I will probably be able to practice many days for much longer periods of time. I love yoga. It balances me in so many ways, physically and emotionally. When I practice regularly, I maintain a centered and content mind. It is amazing.

I am increasing my running because as I said last post, I am going for the full marathon. I am very excited about the training and the challenge it will be to my committment, determination, mental strength, and physical ability. I love reaching for goals that I am not quite sure I can make. It makes life...sweeter.

Embracing My Insanity

Okay, this is crazy but I am going to do it anyway. I am going to run the Rock n' Roll St Louis FULL marathon. I cannot believe I would even want to but I really, really do. So that is exactly what I am going to work toward.

This is huge for me in ways hard to describe. I am a nit-picking, self-doubting perfectionist. I have often sabotaged my own accomplishments so I couldn't actually fail due to lack of ability. But even sneakier, I just didn't try someting unless I was almost certain I could finish easily and close to perfection. I did not truly have self confidence.

I have been reading Donald Miller and he talks about "inciting events". Basically, it means unless we have something push us down a hard path we will most likely continue along the comfortable, familiar path we are on. Even if it is a bad path for us, we will continue to plod along the path because it is the path we know. It takes a major event to steer us differently.

Running the half marathon was my inciting event. I am not even sure how I intially committed to it. I believe I was sort of just talking trash but then people found out about it. There were so many times I wanted to quit but continued because too many people knew and I didn't want to admit I was quitting. I am so very glad I didn't. I am so glad I continued to work harder and so above my comfort zone in order to not be humiliated. It changed everything.

Completing that difficult and emotional event finally gave me the self confidence I have been lacking. Failure lost most of its scariness. I now know I can go out and try to accomplish some pretty crazy things and as long as I really try, there is no shame in failure. Actually, there is just alot to be learned.

So now I am challenging myself to the next crazy event, the full marathon. I am going to train hard over the summer. I know it will be another difficult and life changing experience but this time, I am looking forward to it.

The Time Has Come...Sigh

The time has come for me to finally drop the last 15-20lbs. I am not fat. I don't have body issues, finally. But the fact of the matter is 135-140lbs (see I am not even sure) is just too much for my 5'3 extra small frame. I have a bad back from a car accident. Carrying extra weight begs for it to bother me. Plus, my running should even be better with less weight to carry. So, it is time.

I have not concerned myself with it lately. I refused to actually try to lose weight while training for the half marathon. I couldn't do both so I chose the race. But now I have a few months in between races and it is time to actively work on this.

My exercise is fine, beyond fine actually. I refuse to do more because that would be silly. I am active every single day and some days are crazy intense. So you know, there is only one place to change. It has to be done. The diet. I don't mean diet as in restricting calories but diet as in what I eat. I know many people who do not understand why they can't lose extra weight. They exercise but they won't change their eating habits.

And what the normal American eats is scary. It is no wonder obesity is blooming faster than flowers in spring.

Don't believe me? Track your own calories. There are awesome free sites out there to use. I love fitday.com but others swear by Sparks People. I have yet to find someone who was not surprised how many calories and junk they were eating when they accurately tracked their food intake. (So that is what a tablespoon of mayo looks like.)

My approach is simple, a clean, whole foods diet. What I mean by clean is no artificial sweetners, sweetners, preservatives, processed sugar, additives, and the like and organic in many aspects. That is right, no sugar. I have already started by elminating sweets but some of my granola and exercise bars have a low amount of sugar. Come May 1st those are going as well. I will be making homemade granola and finding alternatives. For how long? At least a month, longer if it is going well.

There is a second motive behind this, I am addicted to sugar. I really am and it is, well a rather terrible substance all in all. It is simply not good for you. Living without it completely would make your body very happy.

What I will be eating:
Lean meat but really sparingly
As much fruit as I want
As much veggie as I want either raw, steamed, or roasted with a little olive oil.
Nuts
Whole Grains
Honey and Maple Syrup, again sparingly
Lower Fat Dairy such as milk, greek yogurt, cottage cheese

I think that pretty much covers it. I think this new practice will also result in a break through for my health. I hope to really enjoy this new manner of even better eating and lack the desire to go back. That does happen rather often to me. Once my body felt the benefit, I no longer craved fried foods, most processed foods, etc. So I hope it will do this again.

I am also very excited because this is all happening at the same time as a bunch of new hoop classes and workshops. Couple it with a month of yoga and I am looking at a happy holistic healthy time. Those times always leave me feeling incredibly refreshed and rejuvenated. So there is alot of good in this even if I am no longer going to eat cookies. You just have to look at it the right way.

Stage Fright, a Timely Reminder and a Big Change For Our Family

Things are happening, much to do, craziness abounds. The first order of business is my newly aquired massive bout of stage fright. Yep, stage fright it is. Hubs diagnosed me and he is right no the money. I am anxious, frustrated, and a little on the emotionally sensitive side. Seriously, all of these big feelings are bubbling up in me out of nowhere. I am not feeling like the most emotional stable person in the world of late. I could not figure it out and then John did, I have stage fright concerning my half marathon on Sunday. I am scared! What if I fail??? In front of all those people?? What if I choke at the last minute or just let myself give up??? I mean, if I do obviously the entire Go! Marathon (over 18,000k participants and countless spectators) will stop what they are doing to point and laugh, right? No? You think they might just keep running? Hmmm.

That brings me to the second part of this blog, a timely reminder. This came from an amazing friend name Missy. After assuring me that I will do fabulously she brought my attention to all the work I have done up until this point. And trust me, I have done the work. I remembered that all this training was the true win. I won last week when I ran over 13 miles by myself, with no one to encourage me, and no crowd to cheer me on. It was just me and the trail out there and I conquered it. So in the long run I have alreay run and Sunday is just the victory lap. Or how about how far I have come in the past 3 years? Three years ago I started this little adventure with the ubiquitous Couch to 5k program. The first time I ran 2 minutes, that is right 2 minutes!, I was sick in the Y's bathroom. I was in miserable shape. Again I state for the record, I have already won. Truthfully, I am feeling much better and I am sure it has nothing to do with the 2 hours of hooping I did today and the perfect spring weather.

Finally, there is the big change for our family. We have kicked the tv to the curb for the kids. John and I watch very little tv as it is but our kids, goodness. I am ashamed to admit but I started using the tv to babysit the kids when I needed to get something done or wanted to waste,er I mean spend more time on the computer. What finally prompted this was the kids having fights over what was on, Logan physically climbing the tv, and a general feeling of disconnect. I took a deep breath and said no more and we are going cold turkey. We just can't do limit. It doesn't work for us. We will have one movie a week for family movie and pizza night.

The change has been immediate and radical. First, the kids have barely asked for it. We have been reading so much more. They aren't fighting, they are easier to get along with, and we are simply more connected. We are laughing and playing together so much more. It has been amazing. I will keep you posted on if this all melts down in a blaze of withdrawal that I have yet to spot. Oh, and as a result I am spending a considerably less amount of time on the computer. I am pretty sure this will benefit me most of all.

Cultivating Friendships

It is less than two weeks before my first half marathon, my first race ever. I am very excited. I am running 12 miles this weekend but the thing is, I am ready. I am surprised but there you are. I don't know how fast or amazing I will be but I am ready. Actually, I will be pretty amazing to me because I am going to run 13.1 miles and that is pretty fabulous to me. I have a hard time believing it is real. But it is very real. So what next? That is the question right? I like what knowing what is next. It gives me comfort. In reality, I am fairly flexible and okay with my plans changing but I still like a plan, a rough map so to speak. The next stage is presenting itself in all its alliterative glory, "Family, Friends, and Fun". Not the most original perhaps but it is important to me. What does it mean exactly? Two things are a part of the foundation of this plan that make appear to be unrelated at first glance but I believe them to be critical. First, I am committing to a 60 day yoga challenge. Each day I will do at least 20 minutes of yoga. I hope to do much more but I want to make a realistic challenge. After all, I have two littles who very much need my attention. The second is all about the food. We are looking to really clean up our diet. We, hubs and I, are focusing on lots of fresh veggies and fruit with as much locally grown as possible. In fact, we are going to do some container gardening ourselves. We desire to follow as closet to a whole foods diet as possible with little to no processed food. Including within that statement is the idea that causes me a great deal of trepidation, saying good bye to white and brown sugar for the duration. It could be 30 days, 60 days, or who knows. I do know that I have an addiction to sugar and this is the only way to clean it from my system. What do the above two things have to do with a summer of "Food, Family, and Fun"? Well, I have known for awhile that I am slightly off center of the place a desire to be in my life. I don't like the word balance. It implies perfection to me and I am learning to revel in my glorious imperfect nature. Perhaps I can call it the center of my life. It is the place I am healthiest, happiest, and most at peace. It brings me calm. I like it there, its nice. It is also the best starting point for any endeavor I may undertake. Yoga and healthy, nourishing foods are two of the greatest helps to get there. This summer is important to me although it may seems fanciful or just another way to follow my bliss. Connections and relationships are of utmost important in our lives. I am coming to believe that although technology brings a great deal of information, help, and enables us to do things that just a few years ago were unthinkable, it also is creating distance and disharmony in our lives. I want to close those gaps and feel harmony again. I intend to actively pursue quality within my relationships. This intention is both for friends and family. I intend to eshew much of the technology in my home and focus instead and companionship and building friendships. I want to take the time to really get to know some just amazing people in my life. I have not decided how this will unpack, exactly. With so much of the everyday workings of my life on the computer, it is hard to get rid of it for any extended period of time. I do think it will be regulated to very limit use. Some days any screen time will be verboten. I desire to live my life more in reality than online. I want to take this time to refresh myself and revitalize my passions. This summer I hope my joie de vivre will explode and the result will turn the ordinary magical.

Momma is the Heart of the Home

There is something within me that keeps nudging me to write this post. Part of me doesn't want to because I don't want to sound self righteous and sanctimonous. The truth is, I write this with great humility becuase it comes from failure on my part. I am still desperately scrambling to learn this lesson in order to give my children the best childhood and upbringing I can.

I am sure you have all heared the saying, "If momma ain't happy, then nobody is happy." It really is true. Now I understand many people read it to say, then everybody better tow the line and walk on eggshells to ensure momma's happiness. But I read it, for me, to say momma you better get your act together, practice good self care, and understand the power your mood and mindset can have on your precious family. It can spread peace and warmth or it can wreak horrible havoc.

So what is the key to this? I think we have to lead an examine life. We have to be willing to peel back the layers and deal with the hard issues in ourselves so we don't blindly pass on our baggage and issues to our children. Seriously, if you refuse to deal with your issues and insist to practice the same broken behavior over and over again, how can you expect your children to do better? And isn't that insane to practice the same behavior over and over expecting a different outcome?

This post may be all over the place because it is swirling in my head. A few exampled leap to mind, self image and fear. I think these are biggies we pass on to our children and don't even know we are doing it.

I have met so many women who hate themselves. Listen to them and they will tell you. They are fat, stupid, lazy, worthless, pond scum really. Sometimes they will tell you outright. Sometimes it is in their "jokes". However they express it they are seriously in pain and are hurting so badly. Look at their precious faces. They are silently screaming for help but in their hearts they believe they are too worthless to be bothered with. They don't deserve to be healed and whole. They don't matter. I have seen these same women shocked and heart broken becasue their 9 year old daughters have started to repeat their self speak. They honestly cannot understand why their children would think such horrible things. They do not understand that as the mother, they are a role model and their children take most of their cues from momma. Mommas who hate themselves inadvertently teach their babies to hate themselves. It is heartbreaking.

The other thing is shame and fear. How many of deal with shame and fear? More than we would like to believe. How many examples do we give our children that life is a mean, scary, horrible place and it is better to never reach for the stars because you "might" fail. Instead of teaching our children that failure can be an amazing teacher or staring your fears in the face and overcoming it with determination, we teach them to hide and whatever you do, don't put yourself out there. You might get hurt. Are we truly willing to sacrifice joy, adventure, empowerment, and freedom because we "might" get hurt? Is that what we want to teach our children? To live a life of quiet desperation? That is better than rejection and possible failure?

John and I made a committment about many things when we first held our precious Hannah. There she lay, so warm and cuddled in my arms with her life stretching out before her. In that moment, we knew that we wanted to parent very differently than the norm. We knew we would fly in the face of many of the mainstream mainstays. We knew it would be hard but oh my, we didn't know it would be this hard.

You see, we are determined to raise children that are strong, independent, courageous, passionate, and willing to strike out on their own when they determine it is right for them. We pray they will love God and others fiercely and passionately. Throughout scripture we are command to do this and we are determine to raise our children to do just that. But you see, in order to do this, it means we have to get ourselves straightened out just a bit. (Hello, understatement party of one?) It means I have to face my fears, my baggage, my brokenness. I have to be painfully real and honest and not hide behind self-saving lies and niceties. It means I have to brook confusion and thoughts that do not have black and white answers but are filled to overflowing with murky shades of gray. It means I have to do the hard work and sometimes reopen a horrific painful wound so the puss and vileness can be cleansed and God can then heal me cleanly. We didn't know it would be this hard. But it is.

I have been struggling lately. Not with my faith per say because I believe wholeheartedly in God and in Christ. But there were other things, man made religiousthings really. Our church has just started a very long series on doctrine. Something within the first sermon filled my heart with purpose and understanding. It was stated that there are three types of doctrine, primary, secondary, and tertiary and it is primary doctrine that is really important. Don't let secondary and tertiary get you off balance becasue they are, in essence, debatable. It is primary that matters the most. For me that can be summed up with our life verse, I guess you could call it, Love God with EVERYTHING you have and love your neighbor (everybody not you) as yourself. Oh, and that means you better love yourself too.

So here is where I am, learning, delving, being in pain and joy. I ordered a couple of the books that is going along with the series. I also ordered a devotional from Tozer. I love Tozer. His writing speak directly to my heart. It should be here by Monday and I very much want it! I am going to spend the next several months refocusing on the primary doctrine of Christianity, my place in God's love, and whatever issues may stand in the way of God using me both within my family and elsewhere.

So momma understand, you really do set do set the tone for you home, your children, for life. It is so important for you to find peace and equilibrium. Don't be afraid of the hard work you will have to do to get there. It will be worth it. I promise.

Holy Overtraining Batman!!

Lately I have been crabby, grouchy, tired, out of sorts, unable to sleep, and in general, a malcontent. I seriously did not have a clue what was going on. I have thought hard about all the facets of my life to see what was going on with me. I finally figured out that my diet was trashed. We have been eating out far too much and even though I made the "healthier" choices, they were not nearly as healthy as when we eat at home. But I have been too tired, stressed, and crazy to cook like that. It was too much!

Then I started to think, I really have been very anxious and stressed lately. There is no reason for me to be that way. Life is good. I don't really have alot to worry about. So what was going on? Perhaps I was developing an anxiety disorder? Maybe I was going to need meds? What was I going to do? The more anxious I was, the more the kids, surprise surprise, were acting out resulting in momma being even more tightly wound. Seriously, not a recipe for success and happiness. In fact, we are spinning out of control quickly.

It couldn't be depression. I was still really productive. I am doing 3 runs a week, two of average length and run huge mondo run. I was kicking butt at my insanely intense two boot camp classes. In addition, I was making the effort to get the kids to the park, cleaning the house, keeping up with the shopping, starting spring cleaning, blah, blah, blah.

(Okay, okay, so it is completely obvious NOW. Hindsight is great but when you are in the midst of a maelstrom, you just hold on for dear life.)

I love my husband. He is an amazing man. He is warm, kind, loving, and supportive. But he is also very courageous. Have you ever had the courage to tell someone completely fixated on a goal something they did not want to hear, someone who is so passionate, so zealous to reach a goal that they become single focused to the point of craziness? My wonderful husband said to me, "Honey, I think you have to look at the very real possibility that you are overtraining." Nooooo!!! Not that. But he was right.

It has been too much. I am exhausted and spent. I was not allowing myself to recover so each day it was a little worse. Each day I woke up worse off then the day before. Right now I am feeling a bit ran over by a truck. But it is getting better.

This is another lesson in moderation. It appears to be a very hard lesson for me to learn. Life hasmany parts that come together and form our existence holistically. If one thing is out of whack, it all quickly goes out of whack. A few little decisions can shoot us careening down an unwanted path. It often takes longer than we would like and more damage than we are comfortable with before we make the necessary corrections.

Now let's talk about the damage. This is the vulnerable, authentic, and humiliating part. Due to my black and white thinking, my refusal to see the bigger picture have been failing my children and forcing them to deal with a momma they did not deserve. I have been crabby, impatient, even intolerant. I have become irriated, even angry over things that I know to be simply age appropriate behaviors. According to my husband, I held back in action but in thought I was thinking hateful things. And my poor, sensitive babies responded in kind. The worse I became, the more they acted out, and that just made me more irritated. I could cry over how unloving and ungracious I have acted. These have not been my best momma moments but I have definately learned some hard lessons. What it comes down to is what affects me affects them and I am the adult so I better get my act together.

The very realization of the true problem lifted a huge burden off my shoulders. I cancelled today and tomorrow's workout. I went to the good grocery store and bought the food we should be eating. I have spent time today prepping and cooking and will spend more time tomorrow. Mainly, I have spent time with my precious babies. We have laughed, sang, and cuddled. They have helped me cook and clean up. It has been a wonderful day.

As far as the half marathon goes, oh it is still on like Donkey Kong but modified. I am dropping the two boot camp classes and I will replace it with one day of good solid lifting. I will be aware from now on to the possibility of changing things around to accomodate my life and my family.

Looking back, the irritation with my children should have been a major warning that something was really wrong. If you knew me personally you would know that in general I am not necessarily a patient person and I am not one to suffer fools gladly. I am quick, (Isn't that a pleasant way to put it?) However, for some bizarre reason completely unknown and not understood by me, I have a crazy amount of patience and tolerance for my children. Huge messes that would send most mommas nutty are simply endearing to me. Hey, we can clean up together and that will be fun. Childish and age appropraite antics usually catch me trying to hide my smile because I know that they really do need to be corrected and redirected but they are so dang cute and funny! These ugly feelings surrounding my beautiful babies were completely unnatural to me. I was growing more uncomfortable in my skin and with life every day.

I guess the point of this story is to be open to really analyzing your life. Think hard and deep about what is going on with you. Think about your stresses, anxieties, the general tone of your life and find out if a couple of changes could improve it. In the past I have found that major issues could often be overcome by relatively simple and small changes either in habits, mindset, or both.

For me, it is never fun to be humbled but it is often necessary. I am not happy about what happened but I am so grateful that events transpired in a manner that headed off something I might regret long term. Moderation is such a difficult concept for me. Just more proof that I will continue to be a student in this life.

May you have a blessed and peaceful day. May you make decisions and changes that will bring joy, love, and laughter to you and those you love.

Struggling

Alright, this blog is all about honesty so here it is. I am really struggling right now. There are all kinds of little things coming together to culminate is some bizarre, farcical rendition of Mr Toad's Wild Ride. First my training is HARD. Did I mention hard? Running 8 miles just exhausts me. Logan is into everything. He has learned to manipulate the child gates. Did I mention he is only 21 months old?? He is seriously a walking mess maker that hits when he is angry. Oh and does he get angry. Hannah is coming on her half year disequilibrium (3 1/2) and life has become dramatic, argumentative, whiny, and LOUD. The house is more of a mess than I am comfortable with on a daily basis. Eating healthy whole foods is proving to be a challenge. And we are going to buy a new car. I am actually excited about the last but serious even though it is well thought, planned, and we can afford it, the idea of spending the money it will take to buy a mid sized suv makes me want to vomit. Basically life is crazy and a bit rough.

Now that I have thrown out all the problems on the table, I guess I need to figure out what to do about them. I am a doer and I cannot just let them hang out. Drives me nuts. First and foremost, I am maintaining a positive attitude or desperately trying to each day. I know that makes me sound like Miss Suzy Sunshine on Prozac but seriously, what will getting all down, pouty, and weepy do for me?? Nothing, so I am going with forced cheeriness when necessary. It isn't fake if you admit to it, upfront and wholeheartedly.

The training is what it is. I knew it would be hard. I have never run this hard or this much in my life. Truthfully, it wouldn't mean very much if it was easy. So I shall continue on with my plan. OH, and be oh so very grateful that my husband rocks and is crazy supportive in all of this.

The kids, that is a biggie. We don't spank, don't yell, don't shame but honestly, these are the times that the rubber hits the road on these convictions. These are the times that test how serious you are about the whole thing. Well, we are that serious. One of the biggest problems has been screen time, for everyone including momma. I somehow went from not being okay at all with tv for kids to allowing them to watch absolutely sickening amounts. And now Hannah wants to play on the computer. One of the things all this enabled me to do was to spend far too much time on the computer. Well, we are all on strict lockdown. They are now limited to 1/2 hour in the morning and 1/2 hour after nap. I have put myself on a strict schedule as well. This will help, after the withdrawals, with alot of the drama around here. We already back to more reading, more crafts, and more time together. I love it and so do the kids.

The house just has to be as it is. It isn't scary filthy just not to my standards. Obviously, it is time to drop those standards for awhile. I am going to take this as another lesson in adjusting and being flexible for the season of life. Then I will indulge in a madcap spring cleaning spree in May. That will be happy.

Food is a tricky one, something has to give. You can eat nasty food for quick and cheap. Not going to do that. I am not going to work out this hard to trash my body. You can eat cheap and healthy if you are willing to put in the time to prep and do the work. Well, right now time is at a premium. So we are left with the only good option, we are going to eat healthy food prepped by someone else that costs a silly amount of money. It is only for 7-8 weeks so it is doable for right now. But it hurst my frugal little heart a bit.

As far as the car, I really am excited. We are looking at a Kia Sorrento or a Hyandai Verracruz. We are a super active and on the go family and we need more room to support that lifestyle. Also, I really want to be able to take mama and papa with us to things like the Forest Park Balloon Glow and the Our Lady of the Snow lights at Christmas. The kids adore spending time with them. It isn't a bad thing to hesitate before spending such a large sum of money. It makes you really think before you do it.

So it is a crazy time in life but there are still a myriad of opportunities to be intentional and grow. Maintaining a good attitude has been crucial. I am happy to see we are standing firm in our parenting convictions even when times are super tough. We will get through this and we will be better for it on the other side. Good times are great and wonderful. I love them. But it is during the tough times, the hard times, you can come to understand you are stronger and more flexible than you thought or if you find it hard, it points out where you need to change. That is always a wonderful thing when you look back on it.

Finding My Place in the Circle

Hooping. I love it. I truly do. Hooping has giving me more than I could have imagined. Last summer, I was toying with the idea of poi. Through researching poi, I discovered hooping and hoop dance. I thought it would be a cool, quirky thing to play with so I gave it a whirl. I ordered my first adult size hoop from Hoopnotica and signed up for beginning lessons with the St Louis Hoop Club. And my love affair was born.

From the first moment, I found hooping to be this amazing, zen thing. I would start the hoop around my waist and the cares and troubles of the day fall away. I found peace in the rhythmic movement. I hooped outdoors so it meant I spent a greater amount of time outside and with nature. I have hooped to some amazing sunsets and a couple of incredible sunrises. Each one was a gift to behold.

Hooping challenges me in many ways. First, it is great physical exercise. It tones and shapes your core like nothing else. It has also given me a flexibility and suppleness of movement I have not experienced for two decades at least. Another challenge is the myriad and infinite variety of tricks to be learned and mastered. Some are quite easy, others are hard, and some are downright painful to learn. The final challenge hooping has presented me with is the ability to let go of my inhibitions, lose myself in the music and the dance, and just hoop unfettered by fears such as someone could be watching or judging. Just open my heart and let my soul sing with the rhythm it finds. Amazing.

I attended a Fusion Movement Seminar today. It was an experience I shall savor in coming days. A group of forty or so people that were willing to look like fools, drop props, and be silly all in the name of discovering movement. Hooping and learning with this group was freeing. We played with hoops, mini hoops, staffs , and finally, at long last, my poi. I played with poi for the first time today. Of course, the first thing I did was smash myself in the nose...really hard. Pain gave way to numb which turned back to pain and then dissolved into laughter. You get bruises playing with flow toys. You get bruises when your neighbor flings their toy into you. It is the way of learning. I now of a cool floral Hawaiian looking pair of poi to play with.

The greatest gift my hoop practice has given me is a comfort with myself that was fleeting before now. I am more at home with my own physicality than I have ever been. I am more assured being the person I truly am. I am far more comfortable in my own skin. There has truly been a fusion in my life bringing many aspects together to progress further on the path I am meant to follow. So I will continue my journey to find my place in the circle.

Embracing the Chaos

I think I have tried my whole life to live an organized, balanced, neat, tidy, and perfect life. Everything needed to be just so and look just right. Goodness, the house isn't perfect so it is not fit for company. I cringe at how many opportunities, experiences, and conversations I cheated myself out of because of my self imposed psychosis. And trust me, it was definately crazy making.

Right after I had Hannah, I knew it was breaking. I just couldn't keep up and I was really stressed from trying. I kid you not, I exhausted myself two weeks after an emergency csection because I insisted on cleaning an already just fine house. Ludicrous comes to mind quickly. I have issues dances right beside it. But I just couldn't let it go.

Then came Logan, my precious, beautiful, amazing, colicky, acid reflux, didn't stop screaming for the first six months of his life boy. I am going to tell you, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. If I was going to keep my sanity something was going to have to give and perfectionism jumped up to volunteer.

The result has been more surprising that I could have imagined. Perfectionism was putting me in a sterile, cold box of conformity. My brain was so caught up in the disease of perfect that my creativity and expression had been all but doused, supressed under layers of organizational methods and procedures. All my creativity, all my passion, all my desires to live life out loud had been buried deep within my heart. Thankfully, these things quickened with life as soon as I shrugged off the shackles of perfection.

I have never had a better time in my life. I am writing. I am hooping. I knit and crochet. I explore other ways to express myself. I laugh. I live. I dream. Life without perfection is beautiful. I am coming to understand the flaws and mess is where the true beauty is in life. Within the chaos, creation is born. This realization causes me to pause and ponder the implications daily. I try not to wince at the wasted time.

I urge you to examine your own self expectations, really scrutinize them. First, are they actually yours or some mythos that somebody thought up to be an ideal not even your own ideal? If it is yours, is it helpful? Is it beneficial? Or is it in reality holding you back from living the life you should be living?

Dropping these false aspirations can free us to live a life of joy. We can learn to enjoy the mess and appreciate the chaos. We can see our children laughing with mud streaked across their faces and sunlight in hair as they track that same mud into our homes. We can revel in the joy rather than losing precious moments in needless anxiety.

I slip up. I panic from time to time that my house is a disaster. But I am learning more each day. More times than not I will shrug off a dirty floor to cuddle up with a baby and read. I am learning to spend more sunsets hooping and loving the moment rather than fixate on dishes to be done. I slip up but I am choosing more and more to live in the moment and just breathe.

Permission To Grow and Flourish

There is a wonderful blog out there http://www.theorganicsister.com/. Tara is such a cool and fascinating woman. I love her honestly and the authentic way she lives her life. Recently, she wrote a blog about the things she is going to give herself permission to do. I absolutely love the idea. I did my own list. I copied a few of hers but I doubt they will be lived out the same way so I thought that would be okay.

Here is my list:
1.Wear clothes that make me feel amazing and beautiful. I am getting rid of the last remnents of soccer mom clothes in my wardrobe. It is so not me! I love gauzy cottons, joyful silks, beautiful colors, and I will admit it, sparkles. Somewhere along the line I unconsciously bought into the idea that I had to wear some specific mom uniform. This appears to have been tied in with the fact that my next birthday I switch decades. Well, I don't care anymore. I am a momma, I am almost 40, and I am going to wear sparkly, rainbow fairy wings if I want to!
2. Pursue hooping as if it were my profession. I don't want to be a professional hooper but I want my passion to be at the same level. Hooping has been a gift from God to me. There are few activities that give me more pleasure, more unadulterated joy, more hope and freedom than hooping does. I want to pursue this art with all the passion and zeal it deserves in my life. I hope to become amazing in this to me.
3. Stop justifying our parenting. We are really different parents than most around us. We practice attachment parenting, we believe in grace based discpline, we don't spank or use shame to motivate our children, we don't use cio, we cosleep, I practice extended breast feeding, you get it, we are pretty crunchy in our approach. This upsets alot of people. Well, I am not going to justify this anymore. We have prayed, researched, talked, thought, on and on and on. There is not one thing we do with our children that has not been well thought out by both John and me. These are our decisions for our family and that is all there is to that.
4. Do nothing. This is so ridiculously hard for me. I am always jumping up and down like a jack rabbit on a sugar high. It keeps me more wound up than I think is good. I am going to make a conscious effort to learn to sit and do nothing. I want to laze out in the backyard and watch my babies play. I want to curl up on the couch and just listen to my husband withou seeing a to do list over his shoulder. I was to learn to truly rest and relax. I want to be calmly present.
5. Learn to be okay with a messy house. I am a recovering perfectionist. It is not healthy at all. I think this practice will lead to more joy in the lives of me and my children. I do not like that often I see the mess rather than the fun. I practiced this today and it was wonderful. We had such a good time.
6.Surround myself with joy, beauty, and inspiration. This definately includes people! These are the things I plan to seek this year. There are some amazing people in my life and I truly hope to know them much more deeply during the coming days.
7. Fearlessly live up to my potential. This year I am going for it more than I ever have. I am jumping into the abyss and learning as I go. You may want to stand back if you are near me, it could get messy.
8. Revise, add, or takeaway from this list as I see fit. Because this is really what it is all about. I am giving myself permission to be free. If something isn't working, I want to change it and move on. No reason to fuss and flutter about, just revise and get going again.

What about you? Are there things you need to givc yourself permission to do this year? Do you feel the same longing to set yourself free? Are you going to do it?