We decided long ago to follow a different parenting path. We have a rather specific idea of how it would go. We would be child led in pretty much everything. We would trust our instincts and not buy into the baby gurus. We would pray. We looked for the natural and logical path for raising our children. We would not let everyone in our lives have a vote in raising our children. If we did, we would go insane and we knew this. We were set on our course.
I am so glad we were and more importantly we were on the same page as parents. We would have never weathered the coming storm nearly as well if we had not been firm in our committment.
Our basic philosophy was we would follow a path of gentle, non-shaming, non-punitive, non-manipulative parenting. We would feed our children when they were hungry eshewing schedules. We would snuggle and love on our children without fear of spoiling them. We would not condemn our crying 10 month for being manipulative. Instead we believed she was trying to communicate with us in the only manner she had available. We would not constantly be vigilant for the for the much dreaded sin nature. Instead we would look to see what was age appropriate developments and go from there.
There were so many people in our lives simply horrified by our beliefs. We were told that we would ruin our children. We would teach them to be selfish self-centered brats and they would control our lives. How would we get anything done if we didn't immediately get them on a sleeping and eating schedule??? It would be anarchy! And my favorite, if we did not spank our children we would put them outside the grace of God. Didn't know we were that powerful did you? You thought Christ did it all but evidently not hitting our children could undo His work.
But we held our ground. We used gentle methods. We introduced our children to healthy food and allowed them to decide what and how much they ate. We let Hannah potty train when she was ready. Low and behold after all the threats that if I didn't crack down on her it would never happen, she potty trained herself in 2 days when she was 3.5 year old. There were no fights, no screaming, and no threats. Just a couple of parents dancing around like hyperactive cheerleaders on speed and some M&Ms.
I will be honest, in some ways we have felt downright bullied for our beliefs. The shaming, punitive mindset, and fear-ongering we desired to shelter our children from was dumped all over us. A few of you may know it just caused us to dig our heels in deeper and hold tighter to each other.
Well, it is working. Our children are only 2 and 4. I am sure there are people out there thinking, even hoping, we will be taught a lesson as they grow older. But I don't think so. Our children are happy, loving, and age appropriate. No they don't always do as they are asked. They are kids. I don't want children who fear the consequences. They are strong willed and full of fire. And I love it. They will be leaders, not followers. They will make some poor choices but I know it will be their choice and not something they just went along with because someone else told them to do it.
I am writing this because I know there are some out there who want to follow this path but they are afraid. They are afraid all the naysayers and grace stealers might be right and they could ruin their children if they are too loving, too compassionate, or too merciful. Don't be. They will be fine.
I look at how God parents me. He is forver loving, merciful, and compassionate. He doesn't hurt me or scare me into doing things His way. He doesn't shoot lightening bolts down to hit me when I choose to do wrong. His patience is infinite. Yes, there are times natural consequences are hard to deal with but they are natural consequences not hardships He set up to punish me.
So trust your instincts. Listen to what your heart is telling you. There is a voice in there guiding you how to love, honor, and respect your children. In turn it will teach them to love, honor, and respect others.
We are so happy we chose this path. We love the relationship we have with our children. We are so excited to see where this journey will take us.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Friday, October 28, 2011
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Happy is NOT the Only Acceptable Emotion
The past few days have been rather rough. There were some very stressful things happen in our lives and I was having trouble choosing joy daily. Not only that, but we have all been dealing with a bug and that makes it even less fun. Yesterday found me just down and sort of blue. I tried everything to snap out of it but it was not working. I focused on my blessings, on beautiful things, on things that normally bring me joy and peace. Nothing. Then the mantra that I repeat over and over for this house and my children plastered itself smack in the middle of my mind"
Happy is NOT the only acceptable emotion. All emotions are valid.
Hmmm, I do say that alot. You see, I do not demand my children to be happy all of the time. I do not demand for them to perform emotionally for me or anyone else on command. We are learning to be civil but civil is not slapping a fake smile on your face and pretending everything is happy happy joy joy when you are honestly dying a bit on the inside. That would be fake and dishonest. And it wouldn't be Authentic. That is also a commnon word in our house. Our children are allowed to be sad, scared, crabby, and even angry. They can even say, are you ready for this? "I am angry with you mommy!" That it totally permitted. They are allowed to voice their disagreement or objection to well, anything. That doesn't mean the situation will change but I am adamant they should learn to respectfully disagree and understand their feelings and opinions matter.
I know alot of parents would rather their children not show or deal with big emotions especially in public. It can be inconvenient, embarrassing, and messy. But do we really want to teach our children to stuff all their emotions down and put on their happy, public face? Has that really worked for anyone? Ever? Let's look at it.
Teaching people to stuff their emotions has led to a huge group of people who can no longer express their emotions but instead eat them. By this I mean they turn to food. Then they are dealing not only with eating disorders or obesity but eventually all of those suppressed emotions are going to come screaming out. There are people who turn to alchohol and drugs to self medicate the pain away. Often that pain is caused or exacerbated by the inability to process emotions and feelings in a healthy way. Then there are the people pleasers. They have been taught their thoughts and feelings do not matter. They must never tell anyone no becuase that could be offensive. Even when they are completely overwhelmed, they put on their happy face and keep on for the sake of appearances even though they are a destroyed mess on the inside.
Examples of how stuffing your emotions can affect you negatively run rampant in our society especially among women. The point is I want better for my children. Um, I want better for myself. I want to be healthy, honest, open, and authentic. I don't want to slap on my happy face and trudge out into the world with a fake facade and a dying heart. Nope, don't want that at all.
There is another saying in this house, "Grace is for mommas too." It stems from our parenting technique. We believe in gentle parenting and grace based discipline. We do not believe that punitive or shaming behaviors will benefit our children. In fact, we believe they can cause severe harm and damage to our relationship. So we extend grace to our children. Some days, momma needs even more grace than the babies do. Being graceful and loving with myself is a very important lesson to teach my children.
So I stood in my sad little place and I thought about all of this. Of course, this realization and self forgiveness was the release my bad mood needed. After I worked through this process, my mood lifted and I felt the joy return with ease and fullness.
Is happy the only acceptable emotion in your home or in your life? Do you really think it is serving you well? Does what other people think really matter THAT much to you?
Happy is NOT the only acceptable emotion. All emotions are valid.
Hmmm, I do say that alot. You see, I do not demand my children to be happy all of the time. I do not demand for them to perform emotionally for me or anyone else on command. We are learning to be civil but civil is not slapping a fake smile on your face and pretending everything is happy happy joy joy when you are honestly dying a bit on the inside. That would be fake and dishonest. And it wouldn't be Authentic. That is also a commnon word in our house. Our children are allowed to be sad, scared, crabby, and even angry. They can even say, are you ready for this? "I am angry with you mommy!" That it totally permitted. They are allowed to voice their disagreement or objection to well, anything. That doesn't mean the situation will change but I am adamant they should learn to respectfully disagree and understand their feelings and opinions matter.
I know alot of parents would rather their children not show or deal with big emotions especially in public. It can be inconvenient, embarrassing, and messy. But do we really want to teach our children to stuff all their emotions down and put on their happy, public face? Has that really worked for anyone? Ever? Let's look at it.
Teaching people to stuff their emotions has led to a huge group of people who can no longer express their emotions but instead eat them. By this I mean they turn to food. Then they are dealing not only with eating disorders or obesity but eventually all of those suppressed emotions are going to come screaming out. There are people who turn to alchohol and drugs to self medicate the pain away. Often that pain is caused or exacerbated by the inability to process emotions and feelings in a healthy way. Then there are the people pleasers. They have been taught their thoughts and feelings do not matter. They must never tell anyone no becuase that could be offensive. Even when they are completely overwhelmed, they put on their happy face and keep on for the sake of appearances even though they are a destroyed mess on the inside.
Examples of how stuffing your emotions can affect you negatively run rampant in our society especially among women. The point is I want better for my children. Um, I want better for myself. I want to be healthy, honest, open, and authentic. I don't want to slap on my happy face and trudge out into the world with a fake facade and a dying heart. Nope, don't want that at all.
There is another saying in this house, "Grace is for mommas too." It stems from our parenting technique. We believe in gentle parenting and grace based discipline. We do not believe that punitive or shaming behaviors will benefit our children. In fact, we believe they can cause severe harm and damage to our relationship. So we extend grace to our children. Some days, momma needs even more grace than the babies do. Being graceful and loving with myself is a very important lesson to teach my children.
So I stood in my sad little place and I thought about all of this. Of course, this realization and self forgiveness was the release my bad mood needed. After I worked through this process, my mood lifted and I felt the joy return with ease and fullness.
Is happy the only acceptable emotion in your home or in your life? Do you really think it is serving you well? Does what other people think really matter THAT much to you?
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Stage Fright, a Timely Reminder and a Big Change For Our Family
Things are happening, much to do, craziness abounds. The first order of business is my newly aquired massive bout of stage fright. Yep, stage fright it is. Hubs diagnosed me and he is right no the money. I am anxious, frustrated, and a little on the emotionally sensitive side. Seriously, all of these big feelings are bubbling up in me out of nowhere. I am not feeling like the most emotional stable person in the world of late. I could not figure it out and then John did, I have stage fright concerning my half marathon on Sunday. I am scared! What if I fail??? In front of all those people?? What if I choke at the last minute or just let myself give up??? I mean, if I do obviously the entire Go! Marathon (over 18,000k participants and countless spectators) will stop what they are doing to point and laugh, right? No? You think they might just keep running? Hmmm.
That brings me to the second part of this blog, a timely reminder. This came from an amazing friend name Missy. After assuring me that I will do fabulously she brought my attention to all the work I have done up until this point. And trust me, I have done the work. I remembered that all this training was the true win. I won last week when I ran over 13 miles by myself, with no one to encourage me, and no crowd to cheer me on. It was just me and the trail out there and I conquered it. So in the long run I have alreay run and Sunday is just the victory lap. Or how about how far I have come in the past 3 years? Three years ago I started this little adventure with the ubiquitous Couch to 5k program. The first time I ran 2 minutes, that is right 2 minutes!, I was sick in the Y's bathroom. I was in miserable shape. Again I state for the record, I have already won. Truthfully, I am feeling much better and I am sure it has nothing to do with the 2 hours of hooping I did today and the perfect spring weather.
Finally, there is the big change for our family. We have kicked the tv to the curb for the kids. John and I watch very little tv as it is but our kids, goodness. I am ashamed to admit but I started using the tv to babysit the kids when I needed to get something done or wanted to waste,er I mean spend more time on the computer. What finally prompted this was the kids having fights over what was on, Logan physically climbing the tv, and a general feeling of disconnect. I took a deep breath and said no more and we are going cold turkey. We just can't do limit. It doesn't work for us. We will have one movie a week for family movie and pizza night.
The change has been immediate and radical. First, the kids have barely asked for it. We have been reading so much more. They aren't fighting, they are easier to get along with, and we are simply more connected. We are laughing and playing together so much more. It has been amazing. I will keep you posted on if this all melts down in a blaze of withdrawal that I have yet to spot. Oh, and as a result I am spending a considerably less amount of time on the computer. I am pretty sure this will benefit me most of all.
That brings me to the second part of this blog, a timely reminder. This came from an amazing friend name Missy. After assuring me that I will do fabulously she brought my attention to all the work I have done up until this point. And trust me, I have done the work. I remembered that all this training was the true win. I won last week when I ran over 13 miles by myself, with no one to encourage me, and no crowd to cheer me on. It was just me and the trail out there and I conquered it. So in the long run I have alreay run and Sunday is just the victory lap. Or how about how far I have come in the past 3 years? Three years ago I started this little adventure with the ubiquitous Couch to 5k program. The first time I ran 2 minutes, that is right 2 minutes!, I was sick in the Y's bathroom. I was in miserable shape. Again I state for the record, I have already won. Truthfully, I am feeling much better and I am sure it has nothing to do with the 2 hours of hooping I did today and the perfect spring weather.
Finally, there is the big change for our family. We have kicked the tv to the curb for the kids. John and I watch very little tv as it is but our kids, goodness. I am ashamed to admit but I started using the tv to babysit the kids when I needed to get something done or wanted to waste,er I mean spend more time on the computer. What finally prompted this was the kids having fights over what was on, Logan physically climbing the tv, and a general feeling of disconnect. I took a deep breath and said no more and we are going cold turkey. We just can't do limit. It doesn't work for us. We will have one movie a week for family movie and pizza night.
The change has been immediate and radical. First, the kids have barely asked for it. We have been reading so much more. They aren't fighting, they are easier to get along with, and we are simply more connected. We are laughing and playing together so much more. It has been amazing. I will keep you posted on if this all melts down in a blaze of withdrawal that I have yet to spot. Oh, and as a result I am spending a considerably less amount of time on the computer. I am pretty sure this will benefit me most of all.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Permission To Grow and Flourish
There is a wonderful blog out there http://www.theorganicsister.com/. Tara is such a cool and fascinating woman. I love her honestly and the authentic way she lives her life. Recently, she wrote a blog about the things she is going to give herself permission to do. I absolutely love the idea. I did my own list. I copied a few of hers but I doubt they will be lived out the same way so I thought that would be okay.
Here is my list:
1.Wear clothes that make me feel amazing and beautiful. I am getting rid of the last remnents of soccer mom clothes in my wardrobe. It is so not me! I love gauzy cottons, joyful silks, beautiful colors, and I will admit it, sparkles. Somewhere along the line I unconsciously bought into the idea that I had to wear some specific mom uniform. This appears to have been tied in with the fact that my next birthday I switch decades. Well, I don't care anymore. I am a momma, I am almost 40, and I am going to wear sparkly, rainbow fairy wings if I want to!
2. Pursue hooping as if it were my profession. I don't want to be a professional hooper but I want my passion to be at the same level. Hooping has been a gift from God to me. There are few activities that give me more pleasure, more unadulterated joy, more hope and freedom than hooping does. I want to pursue this art with all the passion and zeal it deserves in my life. I hope to become amazing in this to me.
3. Stop justifying our parenting. We are really different parents than most around us. We practice attachment parenting, we believe in grace based discpline, we don't spank or use shame to motivate our children, we don't use cio, we cosleep, I practice extended breast feeding, you get it, we are pretty crunchy in our approach. This upsets alot of people. Well, I am not going to justify this anymore. We have prayed, researched, talked, thought, on and on and on. There is not one thing we do with our children that has not been well thought out by both John and me. These are our decisions for our family and that is all there is to that.
4. Do nothing. This is so ridiculously hard for me. I am always jumping up and down like a jack rabbit on a sugar high. It keeps me more wound up than I think is good. I am going to make a conscious effort to learn to sit and do nothing. I want to laze out in the backyard and watch my babies play. I want to curl up on the couch and just listen to my husband withou seeing a to do list over his shoulder. I was to learn to truly rest and relax. I want to be calmly present.
5. Learn to be okay with a messy house. I am a recovering perfectionist. It is not healthy at all. I think this practice will lead to more joy in the lives of me and my children. I do not like that often I see the mess rather than the fun. I practiced this today and it was wonderful. We had such a good time.
6.Surround myself with joy, beauty, and inspiration. This definately includes people! These are the things I plan to seek this year. There are some amazing people in my life and I truly hope to know them much more deeply during the coming days.
7. Fearlessly live up to my potential. This year I am going for it more than I ever have. I am jumping into the abyss and learning as I go. You may want to stand back if you are near me, it could get messy.
8. Revise, add, or takeaway from this list as I see fit. Because this is really what it is all about. I am giving myself permission to be free. If something isn't working, I want to change it and move on. No reason to fuss and flutter about, just revise and get going again.
What about you? Are there things you need to givc yourself permission to do this year? Do you feel the same longing to set yourself free? Are you going to do it?
Here is my list:
1.Wear clothes that make me feel amazing and beautiful. I am getting rid of the last remnents of soccer mom clothes in my wardrobe. It is so not me! I love gauzy cottons, joyful silks, beautiful colors, and I will admit it, sparkles. Somewhere along the line I unconsciously bought into the idea that I had to wear some specific mom uniform. This appears to have been tied in with the fact that my next birthday I switch decades. Well, I don't care anymore. I am a momma, I am almost 40, and I am going to wear sparkly, rainbow fairy wings if I want to!
2. Pursue hooping as if it were my profession. I don't want to be a professional hooper but I want my passion to be at the same level. Hooping has been a gift from God to me. There are few activities that give me more pleasure, more unadulterated joy, more hope and freedom than hooping does. I want to pursue this art with all the passion and zeal it deserves in my life. I hope to become amazing in this to me.
3. Stop justifying our parenting. We are really different parents than most around us. We practice attachment parenting, we believe in grace based discpline, we don't spank or use shame to motivate our children, we don't use cio, we cosleep, I practice extended breast feeding, you get it, we are pretty crunchy in our approach. This upsets alot of people. Well, I am not going to justify this anymore. We have prayed, researched, talked, thought, on and on and on. There is not one thing we do with our children that has not been well thought out by both John and me. These are our decisions for our family and that is all there is to that.
4. Do nothing. This is so ridiculously hard for me. I am always jumping up and down like a jack rabbit on a sugar high. It keeps me more wound up than I think is good. I am going to make a conscious effort to learn to sit and do nothing. I want to laze out in the backyard and watch my babies play. I want to curl up on the couch and just listen to my husband withou seeing a to do list over his shoulder. I was to learn to truly rest and relax. I want to be calmly present.
5. Learn to be okay with a messy house. I am a recovering perfectionist. It is not healthy at all. I think this practice will lead to more joy in the lives of me and my children. I do not like that often I see the mess rather than the fun. I practiced this today and it was wonderful. We had such a good time.
6.Surround myself with joy, beauty, and inspiration. This definately includes people! These are the things I plan to seek this year. There are some amazing people in my life and I truly hope to know them much more deeply during the coming days.
7. Fearlessly live up to my potential. This year I am going for it more than I ever have. I am jumping into the abyss and learning as I go. You may want to stand back if you are near me, it could get messy.
8. Revise, add, or takeaway from this list as I see fit. Because this is really what it is all about. I am giving myself permission to be free. If something isn't working, I want to change it and move on. No reason to fuss and flutter about, just revise and get going again.
What about you? Are there things you need to givc yourself permission to do this year? Do you feel the same longing to set yourself free? Are you going to do it?
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