"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." A.A. Milne

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Quiet Change

Yesterday on a relatively ordinary day two things happened without fanfare, without noise that could very well my change my life. It is strange to sit here calm and content with the knowledge that something quite large has occurred. Strange but lovely. The two things were we decided to go vegetarian and I went to a meditation seminar.

Let's tackle the easier of the two first. I have been a vegetarian on and off for years. I think the longest was 5ish years. I don't really know. My mind prefers to not think in an overtly linear manner. Hee hee, it seems my mind has a mind of its own. Oh yes, I do think I am funny. Anywho, yep anywho, I just prefer it. It is the right choice for me. I am not going to start on a crusade to let you know why you need to join me. Nope, I am not about that. Each person makes their own choice. But for me I feel better physically, mentally, and spiritually. Maybe someday I will go all wild and crazy and go vegan. Or maybe not, this is the right choice for this moment.

Okay, the second is just really hard for me to put into words. I am fairly sure that whatever I say will be very simplistic, childlike even and that is okay. The truth is I am a total newbie at this stuff and I will treat myself with great deal of love, compassion, and laughter. It is best, don't you think? But I will give it a whirl to even start putting this into words.

Yesterday I went to a meditation seminar. I have really increased and deepened my practice in yoga and this seemed the natural next step. I have caught glimpses of what could be in shiva asana but it was rare. Rare but beautiful and enticing to learn more. So off I bee bopped to learn to meditate.

I could try to lay it out step by step, moment by moment but I don't think I will. I walked out of that studio a changed woman. The depth of my calm was astounding. What I experienced is very hard to put into words that won't deprive the experience of the magnitude that was. I think one thing to say is that for fractions of seonds, very very small fractions, I achieved clarity. About what? No idea. But it was there and it was absolutely breathtaking. Silly to write a blog post about something you don't have words for but there you go. I do love me some silly.

This morning I awoke calm and content. I wish I could report I stayed that way but no I did not. First off, we had become vegetarian!! That meant a complete menu change. Also, for us that still means whole food vegetarian which translates into alot of prep work. I spent my day cooking, cutting, prepping, and cleaning. I found myself easily frustrating and irritated. My emotions threatened to swamp and overwhelm me. Then I realized the problem, I had experienced something huge yesterday. That kind of experience is often followed by the dredging up of big, not always pleasant emotions and can leave your overwrought and wrung out. Must have grace for oneself!

Thankfully I found some time to myself this afternoon. I was able to do a short yoga session and then meditate for the first time on my own. It was hard! It is going to take alot of discpline, loving, kind discipline. My mind cracks me up as it flits and prances here and there. I set a timer so I would not have to look at a clock. I made it, I stayed there until my timer went off. I feel exponentially better.

Who knows, this may be a fad for me. I think it is not but I cannot guarantee it with certainty and I won't try. I do believe I have the discipline and mental brawn to stay the course. It also feels like a very natural progression in my path.

My path has really been opening up and evolving lately. Each day I become more who I am meant to be. I find myself going back to my liberal, hippie-ish roots and I am so very happy here. I feel my life, heart, and spirit blossoming and expanding without the bonds of social conformity. I would not have believed I was conforming but each day I see that I was and I just don't want to anymore.

Peace and Namaste

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