Finding Beauty in Winter

I may have mentioned I find winter to be difficult to get through. Depression finds me fairly easily and I must be vigilant to keep it from taking hold. This winter I am looking with an artist's eye and I truly believe it is helping.

I have always thought of winter to be bleak and filled with unrelenting gray. But I have found I was wrong.

Nature provides color through all of her seasons if you will just take the time to seek it out.

There are moments of beauty only present for a short time in these cold months. Temperature rising just a few degrees higher destroy the delicate beauty of ice formations never to come exactly the same way again.

Learning to be present is teaching me to deeply admire and study these fleeting scenes. Rather than allowing my thoughts to drift to the expectation of the season yet to come, I am focusing here and now. Each moment, each season, even the ones I have trouble embracing, are filled with lessons, beauty, and the opportunity to be filled with wonder and amazement.

Legacy of Slow

This year I am focusing on slowing down even more. In the past years I have working on releasing myself from perfectionism and the unending drive to achieve and produce constantly. The results have been nothing short of transformative. I took a harried, exhausted, rather pissy attitude filled life and watched it re-emerge from these changes as a life of peace, joy, and beauty.  I used to think I valued, a perfect home, a look-everyone-how-much-I-can-do life, the unending need to be the best at everything, always. Now I realize those things were never my soul desires but expectations I put upon my over-burdened shoulders because unconsciously I was listening to the desires and demands of others. Walking away from that which did not stir my heart's passions, I have discovered those things I truly want. I want deep connections, to be present, truly and fully present, as much as possible, the freedom to explore my creativity and imagination. Ultimately, I desire to walk my unique and very personal path with freedom, confidence and sense of levity and adventure.

Achieving these goals has led me to slowing down even more. You are more likely to find me intently focused on a clipping from a dead plant, furiously sketching its likeness than scrubbing a toilet. I tend to eek out screeches and mistakes on my new soprano recorder rather than fixing my face up with makeup. I have traded in a multitude of social commitments to have the freedom to romp wildly through an open field with my children in a unplanned excursion. Life is very, very good.

But I found a side effect I never really expected, my children are following my lead and it is amazing.

The other day I took my 3 year old son to the zoo. He is everything your mind might conjure up when you think 3 year old boy. He lives with wild abandon. He throws his arms around your neck with love overflowing but you better be aware a truck may fly when his temper is sparked. He is a gorgeous hellion filled with a love of life and zest for living unmatched, to my knowledge, in any other soul I have met. But he has been affected and changed by this new life path we have chosen.

It was our day, just he and I. We go to the zoo with such regularity the docents and food service workers know us. We rarely have a plan or agenda and I was happy to follow his lead. His lead took us on a journey filled with quiet contemplation and wonder.

Two stops exemplify this best. The first was a visit to the Eastern Lowland gorillas. Due to the weather they were inside. I could not believe what I was seeing. For over 20 minutes my 3 year old son quietly sat by the glass and studied the apes. He spoke to them softly. Every once in a while he would break his silence to ask a questions or politely ask others to be quiet in the gorilla's home. Hey, there were signs all over asking people to do just that. Otherwise he sat and raptly experienced those moments. His intensity and focus amazed me.

Before we left for the day we went to visit his favorite animal, baby Kenzi. Baby Kenzi is in the above picture. We have followed her story and visited her with regularity since she was born last spring. When we arrived at her habitat we were excited to see all the female elepants out together. Once again Logan hunkered down to really study and savor those moments. He commented on the elephants behavior. Kenzi is getting feisty and plays quite a bit with her big sister. Groups and families stopped behind us, looked for a few seconds and moved on. I remember one woman said after about 20 seconds, "Well, we've seen her, let's go." All the while I sat and watched my son really engage with the moment. It took my breath away just a little bit.

I set out to break myself of the instant gratification habit and fixation. I wanted to walk away from the chaotic world filled with noise and busyness for the sake of being busy and find a life filled with idea and experiences real and authentic. I believe I have found that life. What I didn't realize is the amazing affect my choices would have on my children. I am even more committed to this way of life now that I know these consequences.

Engaging In Art and Life

There are moments I am lost in beauty. This morning I stood on the back stairs outside and found myself mesmerized. There is an old evergreen rising up to tower above the roof tops. It was dark against a sunrise filled with gentle blues, soft grays, and brightly blushing hues of rose. It was so quiet except for the trill of a distant bird. The moment captured my heart.

These experiences are becoming vastly more common in my daily life. In mid-December I decided to turn my focus to the exploration of art. The mediums are enticing. I can form flower petals out of wire and papier mache. I can take the time to reacquaint myself with reading music and learn the recorder. Study the winter garden and draw the beauty I find in the bleakness of winter. Knit. Mosaic. Whatever strikes my fancy and engages the interest and passion of my heart.

Focusing on creating has been amazingly fun. I love it, I do. However, there has been an unexpected side effect that very well may eclipse my original intent. The pursuit has drawn me to be wholly present in the moment more than anything else ever has. It has enabled me to give my full attention to something with a a clarity and purpose I have never experienced before. It is truly amazing.

As this leg of my journey continues, I find I speak less and think more clearly. Life has slowed down even more and my priorities are simple and readily apparent to me. I find when I am trapped in a situation filled with complaints and negativity  I can easily transfers my attention to some small beauty of nature outside a window until I am able to gentle extricate myself. I can lose myself in the rhythm and intricacies of whatever I am knitting and just let emotions and words I care not to absorb just wash over me an float away without inflicting harm.

Mediation and yoga have become easier. Having patience with my children has been less of a struggle. I  find I have the ability to deeply connect wit my husband, my children, and dear friends with an ease I didn't know before. I find I can just let go of whatever no longer serves me.

This experience is just amazing. Once again life has proven to me I need to let go of expectations. Expectations limit everything and if you cling to them, you could very well miss something that proves to be extraordinary.

Words For The Year

I don't do resolutions. I don't think I need to go into the whys. I used to do goals and that worked really well. This last year has been amazingly transformative. I have really come into my own power and confidence. I am extremely comfortable with who I am. I trust my intuition. I know my strengths and weaknesses and I accept both with open arms. I seek internal affirmation and I am slowly finding those of my tribe to share this amazing adventure. It has been rather glorious.

This year I wanted to do the whole New Year Thing differently. I know many people who choose one word. I am far too verbose for such a solitary choice. Therefore, I have chosen five words for the coming year.

Create- I really want to explore who I am through art in a variety of forms. I am ready to take my hoop dance to a new level. I am re-learning to read and play music on a nifty new soprano recorder. I am drawing in a nature journal. I hope to play with paint, color, collage, paper mache, mosaic, and any other form that appeals. By this time next year I would like to be comfortable thinking I am an artist. I must say I find this entire endeavor truly exciting. I think new and wondrous passions will arise.

Slow- I want to slow our lives down even more. I still find myself getting antsy when I am not "productive". I want to give the children and myself huge amounts of unplanned time to lie in a field, contemplate the starry sky, whatever. This means I will cut down more on commitments and become more stringent about what my MIT's (Most Important Things) truly are.

Connect- I want to focus on deeper connections this year. This is both for a few people in my life and with myself. I want to take the time to really develop some key relationships. I want to really listen and hear these amazing people. My children and husband are at the top of this list. I also want to connect more deeply with myself. I intend to find some way to have daily-ish meditation. John enables me to have some really yummy meditation two days a week but I would love for this to be a daily practice. I find the practice to life changing. I am not sure I have the words to even describe it.

Simplify- Yep, get rid of more stuff. We have done really well but we are eager to clear out more. This also includes simplifying schedules and expectations we place upon ourselves.

Nourish- I intend to nourish myself and my family in the coming year. I will do this by providing delicious  healthy food, having a daily yoga practice, and taking time for self care. I am going on a women's wellness retreat soon. That will be a fabulous kick off, I hope.

All of these words actually overlap and are interdependent with each other. That's life though, all of the parts coming together in harmony to create the organic whole. I am so excited for the journey laid out before me. I think this next year will be beautiful, challenging, exciting, and a true mystery to be unraveled. I am eager to watch it all unfold.

May you and yours be blessed with abundance, joy, and unending beauty all around you in the coming year.

St Jude's Marathon

Wow, this experience has been nothing short of astounding. I was surprisingly calm before the race. John and the kids walked down with me to the starting area. It was wonderful to have them with me. People milled around and chatted. It was all relatively peaceful.

I don't know exactly what came over me but right before I went into my corral I knelt in front of Hannah, took her by the shoulders and said" "Hannah, momma is running this for you. I am running this to be strong for you. I am running this so you will know you can be strong too." 

With a slightly dazed expression, she said okay mommy. She was probably wondering when exactly mommy had gone completely crazy. But she kissed me, hugged me, and told me she loved me.

I started well. A huge mistake of beginning marathon runners is come out of the gate too hard, too fast. I wanted to keep my first 3 miles at a 10 minute pace and I did. I felt strong.

Then we ran through St Jude Children's Hospital.

I am so glad this happened early in the race. The people were amazing. The stories of heartbreak and hope told in simple pictures were overwhelming. Pictures of beautiful babies with big eyes and no hair. Some signs simply said "Thank You", some had dates of lives that were  cut far too short under any circumstance. Families were yelling thank you while some just quietly cried. They told us we were heroes because we were running for their children. I must disagree. Those parents and children were the true heroes, the real warriors in this fight.

I had to take my first walk break early. Tears were streaming down my face and I was right at the point of sobbing. I had to catch my breathe. After you have hold your own baby in your arms, this hits far too close to home.

The signs are always great. Funny, encouraging, and with this particular race, poignant. The one that stayed with me was of another gorgeous child, no hair, and eyes that had seen far too much pain. It said:

Diagnosed: Age 2.5
Prognosis: 2 years
11 surgeries
26.2 ?? Yes, you can. 

At the 12 mile mark we split for the half marathon. It is a sudden change at that point. It quickly becomes much quieter. People no longer chat. This is serious. This is where the hard work stars. Everyone has their game face on. I was feeling pretty amazing. I was running a full marathon and I was going to do it!! Yep, I felt pretty darn pleased with myself.

And then out of the blue and for no apparent reason, I totally wiped out. I am talking sprawled out, flat on my face on the ground. Two amazing women stopped to help me up. They washed me off a bit and guided me to first aid. I was completely dazed. I looked down to see both knees and hands tore up with blood streaming down my left knee.

The guy asked me if I was good to go on. Here I was at my moment, I told my daughter I was strong. I have told both my children that I am a warrior who would never "go gently into that good night" I would always "rage, rage against the dying light." (No, they are not Dylan Thomas fans yet, but its all about exposure, you know?) So I told him, I am running on. Help me do that. Water was dumped over my wounds and Vaseline put on them to try to stop the bleeding and protect them. The I ran off in absolutely soaking wet shoes and socks, yippee!! My socks are wicking, but c'mon.

I have to admit, riding the endorphin and adrenaline high was strangely fun. Giggling, probably with a touch of hysteria, I thought just finishing would be even more impressive now that I was sporting my cool battle wounds.

The rest was hard. I am not going to lie. It was warm, I hurt, and it IS a rather insane amount of miles. Also, much to my delight, I had earned the sobriquet "Oh! You're the One that fell!! You poor thing, are you okay?" from a significant number of my fellow runners. Oh well, at least I was memorable. In the end, I ran into a cheering stadium, saw my family, and found the energy to spring across the finish line.

4:51 was the time it took me to experience one of the most amazing events of my life.

Thank you St Jude's. Your work is miraculous and I am honored to have been a small part of it.

"No child should die in the dawn of life." Danny Thomas

The Next Thing

So I have this marathon coming up on Saturday. It is for St Jude Children's Hospital. It is an amazing cause and I have trained long and hard for it. Don't get me wrong, I am excited about about it but in the immortal words of  Eliza Dushku in Bring It On, "If you ain't got it by now, you ain't got it." In other words, I don't see the need to dwell. It will make me nervous.

My mind and soul is now looking beyond to the next thing. I am really excited about this new pathway in my journey. I am eager to really explore artistic expression. I cannot wait to try out painting in several methods, drawing, writing, learning a new instrument, whatever. I am longing to decorate our home with art. I have a gorgeous bronze statue of Degas' Portrait of a Fourteen Year Old Dancer my amazing husband bought for me at the beginning of our marriage. I plan to learn mosaics just to create a beautiful surface to place her upon. Oh, and I am definitely taking my hoop dancing to a new level.

I want to explore art, explore me in art, explore me, however it all comes together really. As I grow older I find myself bound by fewer restrictions and I am releasing self imposed bonds one by one. I think this journey is going to just shatter of multitude of chains. Through art I know I will find greater freedom and clarity. My soul dreams of just that and I shall pursue it.

Why? I mean it could sound like a lot of self obsessed narcissistic navel gazing. I don't think I take myself that seriously, but it is possible. Beyond the reasons I stated above, it is for my children. I want my children to know, to understand they can do or be anything that want to be. But I also want them to understand that self knowledge is truly the keystone to any dream they wish to pursue. Self knowledge will help them not be timid people pleasers terrified to go against the social norm trapped in their own mediocrity. They need to understand in an honest way their strengths, weaknesses, desires, secret greed, all of it. I will set an example for them to follow. I am not sure how capable I am when it comes to teaching what I do not live. I don't think I have it in me.

I have already started in some small ways. I took a watercolor class. That was much fun. I jumped in with the enthusiasm of a 2nd grader. I posted my finished work on the refrigerator  I don't think it is necessarily wonderful technique but it is mine, it came from deep inside me. That made it important. I have begun a nature journal that is just blowing me away. Since I have more natural affinity for writing, I choose a format that focuses more on drawing. I find myself absorbed with cuttings from my garden as I sketch and color them. All of this just feels so very right in my gut.

I think we all need art in our lives. Art provides the extra beauty, the spice I think most of us crave from a life lived well. Art brings us face to face with nature, our mortality, our legacy, so many things that truly matter in the grand scheme of things. It makes me feel as if I belong but I an not the most important thing. And that is alright, in fact, it may be even better.

So that is what I am doing or getting ready to do. Saturday I will run 26.2 miles to support an amazing charity and on Monday perhaps I will write about it. That would be a great bridge between the rabbit trails of my life, don't you think?

Thanksgiving in the Woods

This year we escaped to the woods for Thanksgiving. We went to an all inclusive resort not too far away from the house for 5 days. I was so unbelievably excited. There were so many amazing things to do. We could hike, go to campfires, watch fireworks, learn archery, visit a pioneer Christmas village, just so many things. We would also be without television or computers. This is difficult. The children and I have some screen issues we are all dealing with one day at a time. Some are a  little more willing than others.But it would still be great.

I pride myself on not setting up expectations. I fully believe it is a fabulous way to ensure disappointment. Go ahead and build up anything in your mind and I promise you, you will see it fall short pretty much every single time. Add in a couple of lively, headstrong preschoolers and you can add epic to that fail. I set up experiences and just see where it takes us. I am usually pretty good at this....usually.

Our first full day there started out beautifully. I ran around the lake just after dawn. The sunrise coming over the hills was breathtaking. I was energized and ready to watch this adventure unfold. I ran back to the room delighted to find the kids were happy upon waking and excited to get going with our day. It was going to be great.

You know, looking back there were a myriad of things going wrong even at that point. The food serve was SAD (standard american diet) and we do not eat that way. Heck, I am a vegetarian that tries to go pretty dang low in the gluten and dairy departments. Also there were only three meals a day. This is perfectly understandable. I do not expect someone else to cater either to my diet or frequent eating habits. But the children and I eat closer to 5-6 meals a day. We are grazers. I have no idea why I didn't bring our own food. I always do. The kids were also in some deep screen withdrawal. John has had some hairy trials and schedules lately and the stress was still emanating off of him. In short, we were a bunch of petulant, pouty, silly whiny pants for at least 1.5 days. I will openly nominate myself as Queen Pouts A-lot. So not cool, but there you are.

So there we were in this glorious natural setting bickering and picking at each other like toddlers desperately in need of a snack and a nap. (Pretty close description, actually.) John is the one who finally articulated our dilemma. We went to the store to load up on fresh raw fruits and veggies and other snacks we love to eat. We slowed down our schedule and allowed room to rest more. Most of all we realized it was okay to be out of sorts and all discombobulated. We have never taken a vacation with the kids outside of visiting family. Not surprising, we had some rough patches.

In the end it was great. We calmed down and truly enjoyed ourselves. The kids rode horses galore. Hannah learned archery. We star gazed and watched fireworks over the lake from our window  The kids became almost obsessed with hand dipping candles. It was a great time. We laughed a lot, took naps together, and enjoyed Logan's "shows" he put on each evening to entertain us.

But you see, there was something else. There was something I did to set us all up for failure. I had expectations. Even though I swore I wouldn't and was determined to let the whole thing unfold naturally, I still did it. I pictured how this amazing family bonding experience would be and then had a mental temper tantrum when it didn't happen how I envisioned it.

So lesson learned....again. Don't have expectations, bring your own food, take naps together, and laugh uproariously when your 3 year old decides he is the emcee for the new variety show he has created, written, and starred in, all to make his family laugh and entertain them. Most of all, be so very thankful and love each other.