Long Time, Huh?

Wow, I see I have not blogged in a very long time. Summer can be like that I think. This summer in particular was time of fairly heavy internal change. It was a good thing. I find myself rather different. The need to explain myself to others, my inner workings, appears to have subsided for the most part. The desire to be understood and heard, well it just isn't that strong anymore. I think I have come to a place in my own self confidence I don't need it anymore, well not as much anyway.

So really I haven't had a lot to write about. It has been more a time of being and doing rather than thinking about it.

This autumn feels different. It is a time to explore relationships, spirituality, well-being, many things actually and to think about them. It is time to dig new directions and let them mentally compost so to speak. I think I would like to share this journey here.

Ultimately, I strive to live in balance. The truth is, that rarely happens and I don't think that is a bad thing. If you were able to maintain balance and sameness, stagnation would quickly occur and there would not be growth. Growth is extremely important. Not so much how fast or how much just that it continues.I am growing in a multitude of ways.

I am an avid health nut. Working out, eating healthy, living well, all of these things are truly important to me. Right now I am training for my first marathon. Talk about an intense experience. Wow, I am pretty sure nothing will challenge my determination and mental toughness as much as this well. But this training is coinciding with the realization I have been putting too much time and energy into this whole thing. It has been robbing other parts of my life very much deserving my time and attention. Don't get me wrong, I am still eating really healthy but instead of constantly trying to find amazing new ways to create dinner  I am satisfied with a simple veggie stir fry. Simplicity. I have also cut back on working out. I do love to over-train if given half a chance.

The benefits to backing off have been immediate. I feel better and have less stress. Therefore, my family and friends get more of me and more quality time with me. It has been a great change.

I have incredibly bright children. They are amazing. The things they pick up and the imaginary worlds they create leave me speechless. I almost fell into the trap many parents with smarty pants kids fall into to without thinking: Pushing them academically rather than to trust the organic process of learning. Which is rather silly because it is that very process that has produced these results. So I backed off quickly. Our focus is to play and do that outside as much as possible. We read. We play puzzles. We pull out the workbooks when THEY ask. Otherwise, I leave them to the very serious business of playing. I thank one of John Holt's books for reminding me of this way of learning and living.

So there we are. Our journey continues. We make mistakes, corrections are made,  beauty is created, and most importantly, live is lived. .

Food for Father's DAy

Happy Father's Day! I must admit we are not big on holidays such as this. We are rather cheap about spending money on ourselves so it is a great excuse to buy stupidly expensive running clothes for each other. Other than that, not so much. But we love food and I have been promising some recipes to a few of you. So here are a couple of John's favorites

Honey Nut Maple Granola

2 Cups of Oats
1/2 cup of sliced almonds
1/2 cup of pecans
1/2  cup raw pumpkin seeds
1/2  cup ground flax
1/2 cup honey
1/2 cup canola oil (or other light tasting oil)
2 Tablespoons of real Maple Syrup
1teaspoon of cinnamon
2 teaspoons of pure vanilla extract


Preheat oven to 300 degrees. Combine all the dry ingredients. In another bowl combine all the wet and the cinnamon and whisk together. Pour over the dry ingredients and mix well. Spread on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes. Stir. Bake for another 8-13 minutes are until golden brown. This granola is the bomb. We eat it with my homemade yogurt and then I feel all domestic and stuff.

Baked Kale Chips

1 head of kale washed and very dry
2 Tablespoons of olive oil
Couple of shakes of sea salt (it goes a long way)

Preheat over to 350 degrees. Spread kale in a single layer on a cookie sheet. Bake for 8 minutes. Turn kale over. Bake for another 8-9 minutes until crisp. Watch carefully because it will burn.

These chips are yummy and addictive. They go fast in our house and there is no guilt because kale is crazy healthy for you.

So there are a few of our favorite recipes. I hope you enjoy!

Cleaning After Sickness, Spiritual and Physical

So this is probably going to be rather rambly. I have ideas dancing in my head but they have not come to full clarity Who knows if they ever will? I will just write them down and see what happens.

The past couple of days has involved a lot of puke in this house. It has been worse than a fraternity house with free kegs. The house just stank. No way around it, it stank something vile. For me the most natural desire in the world was clean it and get rid of the ick as soon as we were feeling better. I think that is rather natural to many of us.

However, while doing this I had a conversation with my best friend. She is the coolest girl evah, seriously. She is really coming into her own and taking charge of her life. I love it. She is releasing herself from "shoulds" and from doing things just because of some tenuous obligation. I love it. I have been doing this process just a bit longer than she has so it is really cool and interesting to revisit it with her.

One of the common side effects of this endeavor is a voluntary seclusion, a stepping out of the world so to speak. It is a very strange thing in a society to lauds extroversion and pushes us to constantly connect on a superficial level. It is hard to stop and have true introspection at the speed of life so pushed by those around us. I am not sure you can have a close look at yourself and who you truly are if you don't eschew society, at least for while. But it still feels weird and feels as if you are somehow doing something wrong.

There was a conversation within all of this that made me realize I am now in a self perpetuating cycle of withdrawing and rejoining and it is very similar to cleaning after a sickness. I have strong boundaries and a strong sense of self but I can only take so much of the constantly battering of the petty manipulations and pressure that has become the norm in our culture. Don't believe me? Look at your local church. How often do you see a few beleaguered women trying to teach all the Sunday School, organize all the dinners, arrange all the flowers, etc because they truly believe the whole fabric of their world will unravel if they don't sacrifice their own needs and health for the "greater good"? So I find I can only take so much before I must withdraw and do a spiritual cleaning.

It is a time to nurture and refresh myself. I only allow an extremely narrow group of people contact during this time. Otherwise, I just isolate myself and my family. After this self imposed banishment, I can rejoin mainstream life and not be batted around too badly.

What is the point of this post? I don't know. Maybe just to say that if you need time, take it. Don't allow anyone to should you to the point of exhaustion. Better yet, don't let anyone should you including yourself. Take the time you need and listen to what your spirit is telling you it longs for.

Be at peace and spread joy.

Musings, Loneliness, and the Importance of Things

I have not been blogging as much lately because to be honest Blogger is bugging me. It no longer allows me to put paragraphs in my posts. No matter how it looks before I hit the publish button, as since as I click it bye bye paragraphs. I despise reading run on anything so this is a problem. I should either figure out how to put in paragraphs or just change to Wordpress but I can't summon the energy to figure things out. I am not sure it is important enough to take the time. Besides, perhaps I can get John to figure it out for me. I am not actually very computer literate. This upsets my father because what if something happens to John??? Well, first if something happens to my beloved the fact I have to figure out my own computer stuff would be pretty low on the list. But I could do it if I had to learn. So no worries on that front.

 This summer, this time in my life has been very different for me. There have been many circumstances and things swirling around coming to a culmination. The first, or perhaps most important, is finally understanding I am an introvert. No, I am not shy at all. That is a misconception of what an introvert means. Being around groups of people, although fun, drains me dry. Being alone or with a very small, select group of friends, fills and refreshes me. I am embracing this part of me and learning about it.

 I find it necessary to rethink many thing in this light. There are many layers and trappings upon my life put there by perceived social expectations. How much of my thought process is me and how much are these social traditions and group think I have allowed to influence my life? These questions have led to some very interesting introspection. I believe we should question everything. If our views and opinions cannot stand up to questioning, then they are worthless. Believing things solely on the basis that someone else told you it was true leads to an unexamined life and that is not for me.

 I am learning to be okay enjoying my own company. I am learning to not be on the run all the time. I am learning to stop and relax. I think one of the most important lessons I am learning is to stop thinking all the time. I used to be someone whose mind never stopped. I thought, worried, and turned over everything constantly in my mind. It is not examining your life. It is just burning yourself out with unnecessary stress and worry. I am learning to mimic Scarlett O'Hara and just think about those things another day. To let these things go, to let them just float away, has been nothing short of revitalizing. It is such freedom to not be chained to our own thoughts and concerns.

 Figurative chains and bondage has also been on my mind. Namely, how much do we owe other people? Do they deserve to have us in their lives even when it is draining us and inhibiting our own freedom? Is someone allowed a greater hold of us under the guise of family? I know the obvious answer is absolutely not. No one has the right to curtail our freedom or to bind us with chains of guilt. But how often does this happen subtly, quietly? How many times is the idea conveyed that we must stay in bondage or they won't make it? How often do we assume responsibility for someone when we have no right nor any desire to do so? These are questions and issues I have been looking into each day.

 Besides the undue pressure and hardship we put upon ourselves by carrying another person's emotional baggage, we also do them a disservice and deny them the opportunity for growth. Perhaps trying to figure out what they need and how to help them is actually not a very kind thing to do. I think it is a better thing to allow them to devise a plan and put it into action. Otherwise, are we not stunting their personal growth? Does that not undermine any strength and self reliance they may derive from taking care of themselves? So, this is what has been on my mind.

 There has been much fun and play already this summer. I think it is going to be a great one for my family. But I also wanted to give you a deeper look beyond the adventurers and recipes.

 Oh I hope this post has paragraphs.

Things I Love Monday for May 21st

It has been a seriously hard week here. The children have never been this sick before. That is the downside of good health, you are spoiled! Also, much of my support network has been unavailable for different reasons. I have been stretched and thinned but we have come through it. My babies are on the mend and for that I am really grateful. So on that note, I thought I would share the things I love this Monday. 1. Recycled sari wrap skirts- I have really become a skirt and dress kind of woman. I am not exactly sure why but there it is. I love the beautiful brightly colored prints. They are so vibrant and feminine. The silk is so deliciously soft and whispers across my body. They make me feel as if I am dancing with every movement. I love the way in look in them. They make me feel very beautiful. 2. Running- I love running. I need running. I was not able to run this past week and it was not a good thing. I carried tension and stress I normally would have dumped out on the pavement. 3. I love my husband understands my need to run, do yoga, and workout in general. I love he saw the problem and immediately devised a solution even though he was tired and stressed himself. 4. I love this weather. Summer is rapidly approaching and I adore it. Today I took some time to just lie in the sun and soak it up. It was wonderful. The sky has been so blue and the clouds float through the sky forming shapes for Hannah to see. Love it. 5.Unschooling or natural learning- Yesterday John was out with the kids and John numbered the stones 1-6 for the kids per usual. Hannah was insisting it was not finished. She then wrote out 7-10. We didn't know she could do that. Then she and Logan amazed us with all of the letters they could write. It was wonderful. 6. I love Hannah's fascination with growing things. She is enthralled with our garden and the seeds she planted herself. It has been a great experience. 7. My garden- It is really coming in well this year. A couple of years ago we began our perennial, English style garden. It is really coming together and quite lovely. Those are just a few things off the top of my head. Truth be told I am still pretty wrecked from this week. But there are always a multitude of things to love and be grateful for each day.

Struggling and Gratitude

Warning, authentic moment ahead. It doesn't portray me in the best light but I think that is the point. We are seriously struggling over here. The kids have been really sick. We have been housebound. John has been super busy at work. We have not had much outside time. I have been fighting off the kids sickness and due to the previous reasons, not working out. Most important, I have not been able to run or do much yoga. This all adds up to some stinky moods and yucky situation. I don't think we all like each other very much right now. But I am determined to focus on gratitude and the bounty of my life. First up, reminders of why I stay home and why I have chose this life.

And this:

Seriously, don't I have the most gorgeous babies??? This week I am sad to say I have lost my temper. I have been irritated to the point of running screaming down the street because of the tired, sick whines of my precious children. In fact, I just had to stop what I was doing because Logan pulled out all the things in the bathroom cabinet and then opened a bunch of band aids. It has not been a parade of my finest moments. But it is life and how it rolls. Bottom line, I am tired, sort of sick myself, and struggling to fall into the shame/ guilt trap of being human rather than a perfect mommy automaton. The best thing I can do is focus on gratitude so here it goes. My Gratitude List for the Moment (by no means complete or in any order) 1.I am grateful I found the mantra, "My child is not giving me a hard time, my child is having a hard time." I have said this often and with increasing vigor. 2. We have good, healthy food in the house to boost our immunity. Let's not get worse. 3. I have the greatest husband evah. He has went above and beyond the call of duty in order to make my life as easy as possible. The man is swamped with trials but has consistently put the needs of me and the children first. So Seriously Overflowing with Abundance 4.Netflix. Hours and hours Caillou, Dora, and Strawberry Shortcake. I may be gibbering after all of it but it has helped the children rest. 5. I am so grateful I have learned the lesson of personal grace, love, and compassion. I am working on giving myself room to make mistakes and see them as learning opportunities rather than chances to beat myself up. 6. I have friends to remind me of the above. 7. The weather is simply gorgeous. We should be able to get outside for a little bit today. The mild weather will be great for fresh air consumption. 8. My homemade yogurt is the bomb. 9. The weekend is almost here and I will get a long break. (Again, best husband evah.) 10.It is almost over and we are still in one piece. In fact, the kids still seem to like me and want to be with me and that is a good thing. Ten seems like a good round number. Oh well, let's throw one more in for good measure. 11. Strangely enough, I am glad I am able to stay at home and deal with all of this. As much as I have wanted to run down the street and hide in a ditch, this is better. That awareness stays firmly implanted in the front of mind. I cannot imagine trying to juggling job responsibilities, coverage, or whatever along with sick kids. All we had to do was stop and stay home. It hasn't been the most fun thing we have ever done but I am still grateful we can did it without any fuss. That is my gratitude list. I am holding on to it and the coming weekend with both hands. I hope they get me through and help me have a better mindset about the whole thing.

Monday And The Things I Love

Monday is the traditional beginning of the week for many people. It is here as well although we enjoy a great deal of flexibility. But daddy returns to work and we miss him so sometimes it can be a bit hard for us. So I think I am going to start writing a post about the things I love right here, right now. Hopefully I will do it most Mondays but you just never know now, do you?

Above and below are two pictures I took last week. We were at the Botanical Gardens when a storm came in fairly fast. Most people ran to their cars. Instead of leaving, we headed to a gazebo and proceeded to have a simply magical experience. We watched the rain while we snuggled. Logan napped in my arms while Hannah shared a bit of what goes on in her beautiful, amazing mind. It was as close to perfection as I could imagine. It made me realize even more how much I love my life.

So here are just a few of the things I am loving right now. 1. Snuggling and talking quietly in the rain. 2. Hooping under the bright blue sky next to a gently babbling creek while listening to the laughter of the rest of my family playing. 3. Sparkles 4. Pink, in general but especially on my daughter. Couple that with sparkles and it is a joy fest. 5. Watching my husband be an amazing father not only in the fun times but even more so in the times of stress and turmoil. 6. Yoga 7. Metta meditation 8. Doggies that are simply positive I want kisses during down dog (or up dog or cobra or well, anytime really) 9. Flowing hippie skirts that makes me feel like I am dancing even when I am just walking. 10. The love of running 11. Best friends 12. The ability to see the divine in all that surrounds me. It is not a complete list. I hope to never have the time or ability to write a complete list. I send out warmth and love to you today. I hope your Monday and your week will be filled with love, kindness, and joy.