Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Cultivating Friendships
It is less than two weeks before my first half marathon, my first race ever. I am very excited. I am running 12 miles this weekend but the thing is, I am ready. I am surprised but there you are. I don't know how fast or amazing I will be but I am ready. Actually, I will be pretty amazing to me because I am going to run 13.1 miles and that is pretty fabulous to me. I have a hard time believing it is real. But it is very real. So what next? That is the question right? I like what knowing what is next. It gives me comfort. In reality, I am fairly flexible and okay with my plans changing but I still like a plan, a rough map so to speak. The next stage is presenting itself in all its alliterative glory, "Family, Friends, and Fun". Not the most original perhaps but it is important to me. What does it mean exactly? Two things are a part of the foundation of this plan that make appear to be unrelated at first glance but I believe them to be critical. First, I am committing to a 60 day yoga challenge. Each day I will do at least 20 minutes of yoga. I hope to do much more but I want to make a realistic challenge. After all, I have two littles who very much need my attention. The second is all about the food. We are looking to really clean up our diet. We, hubs and I, are focusing on lots of fresh veggies and fruit with as much locally grown as possible. In fact, we are going to do some container gardening ourselves. We desire to follow as closet to a whole foods diet as possible with little to no processed food. Including within that statement is the idea that causes me a great deal of trepidation, saying good bye to white and brown sugar for the duration. It could be 30 days, 60 days, or who knows. I do know that I have an addiction to sugar and this is the only way to clean it from my system. What do the above two things have to do with a summer of "Food, Family, and Fun"? Well, I have known for awhile that I am slightly off center of the place a desire to be in my life. I don't like the word balance. It implies perfection to me and I am learning to revel in my glorious imperfect nature. Perhaps I can call it the center of my life. It is the place I am healthiest, happiest, and most at peace. It brings me calm. I like it there, its nice. It is also the best starting point for any endeavor I may undertake. Yoga and healthy, nourishing foods are two of the greatest helps to get there. This summer is important to me although it may seems fanciful or just another way to follow my bliss. Connections and relationships are of utmost important in our lives. I am coming to believe that although technology brings a great deal of information, help, and enables us to do things that just a few years ago were unthinkable, it also is creating distance and disharmony in our lives. I want to close those gaps and feel harmony again. I intend to actively pursue quality within my relationships. This intention is both for friends and family. I intend to eshew much of the technology in my home and focus instead and companionship and building friendships. I want to take the time to really get to know some just amazing people in my life. I have not decided how this will unpack, exactly. With so much of the everyday workings of my life on the computer, it is hard to get rid of it for any extended period of time. I do think it will be regulated to very limit use. Some days any screen time will be verboten. I desire to live my life more in reality than online. I want to take this time to refresh myself and revitalize my passions. This summer I hope my joie de vivre will explode and the result will turn the ordinary magical.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Extract Your Foot From Your Mouth and Try Again
I have noticed lately that I have not been as kind, loving, or compassionate as I long to be. I have found myself to be impatient, acerbic, and not very pleasant. I so dislike being this way, I truly do. I understand completely when Paul says he does things he doesn't want to do and doesn't do things he desperately wants to do. I completely get it.
Words are some of the most intense weapons we have. They truly can encourage, comfort, and empower or they can destroy, negate, and horrify. They are more powerful than most of us realize. God gave me a gift with words. If I quiet my mind and open my heart, I can often find the words someone needs to hear. I can convey that even if I don't understand, I really care about them and their pain. So many of us really just want to be Heard with a capital H. We want to know someone really does care about what we are saying and what we are dealing with at that moment. We need that intimacy. It has been an amazing blessing. I think it is often the Holy Spirit speaking through me in those quiet moments. I don't know for sure but I can tell you the words just sort of come forth.
There is a dark side to this gift. I also have the ability to use words as a sword that can cut to the heart. My words can come fast and furious pummelling whomever they are directed. It is a defense mechanism and an extremely ugly, hateful one. It is probably the trait I dislike the most about myself.
It is interesting this gift can be a blessing or a curse depending on how I choose to use it.
Today I was praying and I decided to make a conscious effort to get back on the path of love I chose to follow. Here is my Facebook post:
Today I pray that all of my communications, whether with my precious babies or complete strangers, will be filled with love, grace, kindness, and compassion. So often I have a quick, witty, and biting retort locked, loaded, and ready to go. I pray to change that habit and replace my bitter ammunition with words that encourage, fill others with hope, and shows the love of Christ that shines through me.
I am sure you can see where this is going. I went to the gym, there was a dust up, someone was nasty, and I shoved words right down her throat. I marched to my car in (self) righteous indignation. As I drove away, the light dawned on my, and my spirit curled up within me and hid its proverbial head.
Epic Fail.
Ack!! It is just humiliating and humbling. Just not a fun thing to deal with. I will apologize when I see her. But you can't take words back. She will bear a small scar of where I plunged in an ever sharp, ever waiting, ever eager verbal knife. It doesn't matter nearly as much how people treat us or speak to us, it is how we respond to them that defines us. I am not advocating becoming a door mat, not at all. But I truly believe we can comport ourselves with grace, compassion, mercy, and love even when someone verbally attacks us. That is what I am aspiring to do.
So I failed. But that is okay. It really is because I can learn from this. I can allow this situation to better refine me for the future, smooth out more and ever present rough edges. Hopefully, it will teach me to be more graceful in the future. Hopefully, it will teach me more about love.
That is what I have going on today. I am exploring the new found fact that I, apparently, have a foot shaped mouth.
Words are some of the most intense weapons we have. They truly can encourage, comfort, and empower or they can destroy, negate, and horrify. They are more powerful than most of us realize. God gave me a gift with words. If I quiet my mind and open my heart, I can often find the words someone needs to hear. I can convey that even if I don't understand, I really care about them and their pain. So many of us really just want to be Heard with a capital H. We want to know someone really does care about what we are saying and what we are dealing with at that moment. We need that intimacy. It has been an amazing blessing. I think it is often the Holy Spirit speaking through me in those quiet moments. I don't know for sure but I can tell you the words just sort of come forth.
There is a dark side to this gift. I also have the ability to use words as a sword that can cut to the heart. My words can come fast and furious pummelling whomever they are directed. It is a defense mechanism and an extremely ugly, hateful one. It is probably the trait I dislike the most about myself.
It is interesting this gift can be a blessing or a curse depending on how I choose to use it.
Today I was praying and I decided to make a conscious effort to get back on the path of love I chose to follow. Here is my Facebook post:
Today I pray that all of my communications, whether with my precious babies or complete strangers, will be filled with love, grace, kindness, and compassion. So often I have a quick, witty, and biting retort locked, loaded, and ready to go. I pray to change that habit and replace my bitter ammunition with words that encourage, fill others with hope, and shows the love of Christ that shines through me.
I am sure you can see where this is going. I went to the gym, there was a dust up, someone was nasty, and I shoved words right down her throat. I marched to my car in (self) righteous indignation. As I drove away, the light dawned on my, and my spirit curled up within me and hid its proverbial head.
Epic Fail.
Ack!! It is just humiliating and humbling. Just not a fun thing to deal with. I will apologize when I see her. But you can't take words back. She will bear a small scar of where I plunged in an ever sharp, ever waiting, ever eager verbal knife. It doesn't matter nearly as much how people treat us or speak to us, it is how we respond to them that defines us. I am not advocating becoming a door mat, not at all. But I truly believe we can comport ourselves with grace, compassion, mercy, and love even when someone verbally attacks us. That is what I am aspiring to do.
So I failed. But that is okay. It really is because I can learn from this. I can allow this situation to better refine me for the future, smooth out more and ever present rough edges. Hopefully, it will teach me to be more graceful in the future. Hopefully, it will teach me more about love.
That is what I have going on today. I am exploring the new found fact that I, apparently, have a foot shaped mouth.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Momma is the Heart of the Home
There is something within me that keeps nudging me to write this post. Part of me doesn't want to because I don't want to sound self righteous and sanctimonous. The truth is, I write this with great humility becuase it comes from failure on my part. I am still desperately scrambling to learn this lesson in order to give my children the best childhood and upbringing I can.
I am sure you have all heared the saying, "If momma ain't happy, then nobody is happy." It really is true. Now I understand many people read it to say, then everybody better tow the line and walk on eggshells to ensure momma's happiness. But I read it, for me, to say momma you better get your act together, practice good self care, and understand the power your mood and mindset can have on your precious family. It can spread peace and warmth or it can wreak horrible havoc.
So what is the key to this? I think we have to lead an examine life. We have to be willing to peel back the layers and deal with the hard issues in ourselves so we don't blindly pass on our baggage and issues to our children. Seriously, if you refuse to deal with your issues and insist to practice the same broken behavior over and over again, how can you expect your children to do better? And isn't that insane to practice the same behavior over and over expecting a different outcome?
This post may be all over the place because it is swirling in my head. A few exampled leap to mind, self image and fear. I think these are biggies we pass on to our children and don't even know we are doing it.
I have met so many women who hate themselves. Listen to them and they will tell you. They are fat, stupid, lazy, worthless, pond scum really. Sometimes they will tell you outright. Sometimes it is in their "jokes". However they express it they are seriously in pain and are hurting so badly. Look at their precious faces. They are silently screaming for help but in their hearts they believe they are too worthless to be bothered with. They don't deserve to be healed and whole. They don't matter. I have seen these same women shocked and heart broken becasue their 9 year old daughters have started to repeat their self speak. They honestly cannot understand why their children would think such horrible things. They do not understand that as the mother, they are a role model and their children take most of their cues from momma. Mommas who hate themselves inadvertently teach their babies to hate themselves. It is heartbreaking.
The other thing is shame and fear. How many of deal with shame and fear? More than we would like to believe. How many examples do we give our children that life is a mean, scary, horrible place and it is better to never reach for the stars because you "might" fail. Instead of teaching our children that failure can be an amazing teacher or staring your fears in the face and overcoming it with determination, we teach them to hide and whatever you do, don't put yourself out there. You might get hurt. Are we truly willing to sacrifice joy, adventure, empowerment, and freedom because we "might" get hurt? Is that what we want to teach our children? To live a life of quiet desperation? That is better than rejection and possible failure?
John and I made a committment about many things when we first held our precious Hannah. There she lay, so warm and cuddled in my arms with her life stretching out before her. In that moment, we knew that we wanted to parent very differently than the norm. We knew we would fly in the face of many of the mainstream mainstays. We knew it would be hard but oh my, we didn't know it would be this hard.
You see, we are determined to raise children that are strong, independent, courageous, passionate, and willing to strike out on their own when they determine it is right for them. We pray they will love God and others fiercely and passionately. Throughout scripture we are command to do this and we are determine to raise our children to do just that. But you see, in order to do this, it means we have to get ourselves straightened out just a bit. (Hello, understatement party of one?) It means I have to face my fears, my baggage, my brokenness. I have to be painfully real and honest and not hide behind self-saving lies and niceties. It means I have to brook confusion and thoughts that do not have black and white answers but are filled to overflowing with murky shades of gray. It means I have to do the hard work and sometimes reopen a horrific painful wound so the puss and vileness can be cleansed and God can then heal me cleanly. We didn't know it would be this hard. But it is.
I have been struggling lately. Not with my faith per say because I believe wholeheartedly in God and in Christ. But there were other things, man made religiousthings really. Our church has just started a very long series on doctrine. Something within the first sermon filled my heart with purpose and understanding. It was stated that there are three types of doctrine, primary, secondary, and tertiary and it is primary doctrine that is really important. Don't let secondary and tertiary get you off balance becasue they are, in essence, debatable. It is primary that matters the most. For me that can be summed up with our life verse, I guess you could call it, Love God with EVERYTHING you have and love your neighbor (everybody not you) as yourself. Oh, and that means you better love yourself too.
So here is where I am, learning, delving, being in pain and joy. I ordered a couple of the books that is going along with the series. I also ordered a devotional from Tozer. I love Tozer. His writing speak directly to my heart. It should be here by Monday and I very much want it! I am going to spend the next several months refocusing on the primary doctrine of Christianity, my place in God's love, and whatever issues may stand in the way of God using me both within my family and elsewhere.
So momma understand, you really do set do set the tone for you home, your children, for life. It is so important for you to find peace and equilibrium. Don't be afraid of the hard work you will have to do to get there. It will be worth it. I promise.
I am sure you have all heared the saying, "If momma ain't happy, then nobody is happy." It really is true. Now I understand many people read it to say, then everybody better tow the line and walk on eggshells to ensure momma's happiness. But I read it, for me, to say momma you better get your act together, practice good self care, and understand the power your mood and mindset can have on your precious family. It can spread peace and warmth or it can wreak horrible havoc.
So what is the key to this? I think we have to lead an examine life. We have to be willing to peel back the layers and deal with the hard issues in ourselves so we don't blindly pass on our baggage and issues to our children. Seriously, if you refuse to deal with your issues and insist to practice the same broken behavior over and over again, how can you expect your children to do better? And isn't that insane to practice the same behavior over and over expecting a different outcome?
This post may be all over the place because it is swirling in my head. A few exampled leap to mind, self image and fear. I think these are biggies we pass on to our children and don't even know we are doing it.
I have met so many women who hate themselves. Listen to them and they will tell you. They are fat, stupid, lazy, worthless, pond scum really. Sometimes they will tell you outright. Sometimes it is in their "jokes". However they express it they are seriously in pain and are hurting so badly. Look at their precious faces. They are silently screaming for help but in their hearts they believe they are too worthless to be bothered with. They don't deserve to be healed and whole. They don't matter. I have seen these same women shocked and heart broken becasue their 9 year old daughters have started to repeat their self speak. They honestly cannot understand why their children would think such horrible things. They do not understand that as the mother, they are a role model and their children take most of their cues from momma. Mommas who hate themselves inadvertently teach their babies to hate themselves. It is heartbreaking.
The other thing is shame and fear. How many of deal with shame and fear? More than we would like to believe. How many examples do we give our children that life is a mean, scary, horrible place and it is better to never reach for the stars because you "might" fail. Instead of teaching our children that failure can be an amazing teacher or staring your fears in the face and overcoming it with determination, we teach them to hide and whatever you do, don't put yourself out there. You might get hurt. Are we truly willing to sacrifice joy, adventure, empowerment, and freedom because we "might" get hurt? Is that what we want to teach our children? To live a life of quiet desperation? That is better than rejection and possible failure?
John and I made a committment about many things when we first held our precious Hannah. There she lay, so warm and cuddled in my arms with her life stretching out before her. In that moment, we knew that we wanted to parent very differently than the norm. We knew we would fly in the face of many of the mainstream mainstays. We knew it would be hard but oh my, we didn't know it would be this hard.
You see, we are determined to raise children that are strong, independent, courageous, passionate, and willing to strike out on their own when they determine it is right for them. We pray they will love God and others fiercely and passionately. Throughout scripture we are command to do this and we are determine to raise our children to do just that. But you see, in order to do this, it means we have to get ourselves straightened out just a bit. (Hello, understatement party of one?) It means I have to face my fears, my baggage, my brokenness. I have to be painfully real and honest and not hide behind self-saving lies and niceties. It means I have to brook confusion and thoughts that do not have black and white answers but are filled to overflowing with murky shades of gray. It means I have to do the hard work and sometimes reopen a horrific painful wound so the puss and vileness can be cleansed and God can then heal me cleanly. We didn't know it would be this hard. But it is.
I have been struggling lately. Not with my faith per say because I believe wholeheartedly in God and in Christ. But there were other things, man made religiousthings really. Our church has just started a very long series on doctrine. Something within the first sermon filled my heart with purpose and understanding. It was stated that there are three types of doctrine, primary, secondary, and tertiary and it is primary doctrine that is really important. Don't let secondary and tertiary get you off balance becasue they are, in essence, debatable. It is primary that matters the most. For me that can be summed up with our life verse, I guess you could call it, Love God with EVERYTHING you have and love your neighbor (everybody not you) as yourself. Oh, and that means you better love yourself too.
So here is where I am, learning, delving, being in pain and joy. I ordered a couple of the books that is going along with the series. I also ordered a devotional from Tozer. I love Tozer. His writing speak directly to my heart. It should be here by Monday and I very much want it! I am going to spend the next several months refocusing on the primary doctrine of Christianity, my place in God's love, and whatever issues may stand in the way of God using me both within my family and elsewhere.
So momma understand, you really do set do set the tone for you home, your children, for life. It is so important for you to find peace and equilibrium. Don't be afraid of the hard work you will have to do to get there. It will be worth it. I promise.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Holy Overtraining Batman!!
Lately I have been crabby, grouchy, tired, out of sorts, unable to sleep, and in general, a malcontent. I seriously did not have a clue what was going on. I have thought hard about all the facets of my life to see what was going on with me. I finally figured out that my diet was trashed. We have been eating out far too much and even though I made the "healthier" choices, they were not nearly as healthy as when we eat at home. But I have been too tired, stressed, and crazy to cook like that. It was too much!
Then I started to think, I really have been very anxious and stressed lately. There is no reason for me to be that way. Life is good. I don't really have alot to worry about. So what was going on? Perhaps I was developing an anxiety disorder? Maybe I was going to need meds? What was I going to do? The more anxious I was, the more the kids, surprise surprise, were acting out resulting in momma being even more tightly wound. Seriously, not a recipe for success and happiness. In fact, we are spinning out of control quickly.
It couldn't be depression. I was still really productive. I am doing 3 runs a week, two of average length and run huge mondo run. I was kicking butt at my insanely intense two boot camp classes. In addition, I was making the effort to get the kids to the park, cleaning the house, keeping up with the shopping, starting spring cleaning, blah, blah, blah.
(Okay, okay, so it is completely obvious NOW. Hindsight is great but when you are in the midst of a maelstrom, you just hold on for dear life.)
I love my husband. He is an amazing man. He is warm, kind, loving, and supportive. But he is also very courageous. Have you ever had the courage to tell someone completely fixated on a goal something they did not want to hear, someone who is so passionate, so zealous to reach a goal that they become single focused to the point of craziness? My wonderful husband said to me, "Honey, I think you have to look at the very real possibility that you are overtraining." Nooooo!!! Not that. But he was right.
It has been too much. I am exhausted and spent. I was not allowing myself to recover so each day it was a little worse. Each day I woke up worse off then the day before. Right now I am feeling a bit ran over by a truck. But it is getting better.
This is another lesson in moderation. It appears to be a very hard lesson for me to learn. Life hasmany parts that come together and form our existence holistically. If one thing is out of whack, it all quickly goes out of whack. A few little decisions can shoot us careening down an unwanted path. It often takes longer than we would like and more damage than we are comfortable with before we make the necessary corrections.
Now let's talk about the damage. This is the vulnerable, authentic, and humiliating part. Due to my black and white thinking, my refusal to see the bigger picture have been failing my children and forcing them to deal with a momma they did not deserve. I have been crabby, impatient, even intolerant. I have become irriated, even angry over things that I know to be simply age appropriate behaviors. According to my husband, I held back in action but in thought I was thinking hateful things. And my poor, sensitive babies responded in kind. The worse I became, the more they acted out, and that just made me more irritated. I could cry over how unloving and ungracious I have acted. These have not been my best momma moments but I have definately learned some hard lessons. What it comes down to is what affects me affects them and I am the adult so I better get my act together.
The very realization of the true problem lifted a huge burden off my shoulders. I cancelled today and tomorrow's workout. I went to the good grocery store and bought the food we should be eating. I have spent time today prepping and cooking and will spend more time tomorrow. Mainly, I have spent time with my precious babies. We have laughed, sang, and cuddled. They have helped me cook and clean up. It has been a wonderful day.
As far as the half marathon goes, oh it is still on like Donkey Kong but modified. I am dropping the two boot camp classes and I will replace it with one day of good solid lifting. I will be aware from now on to the possibility of changing things around to accomodate my life and my family.
Looking back, the irritation with my children should have been a major warning that something was really wrong. If you knew me personally you would know that in general I am not necessarily a patient person and I am not one to suffer fools gladly. I am quick, (Isn't that a pleasant way to put it?) However, for some bizarre reason completely unknown and not understood by me, I have a crazy amount of patience and tolerance for my children. Huge messes that would send most mommas nutty are simply endearing to me. Hey, we can clean up together and that will be fun. Childish and age appropraite antics usually catch me trying to hide my smile because I know that they really do need to be corrected and redirected but they are so dang cute and funny! These ugly feelings surrounding my beautiful babies were completely unnatural to me. I was growing more uncomfortable in my skin and with life every day.
I guess the point of this story is to be open to really analyzing your life. Think hard and deep about what is going on with you. Think about your stresses, anxieties, the general tone of your life and find out if a couple of changes could improve it. In the past I have found that major issues could often be overcome by relatively simple and small changes either in habits, mindset, or both.
For me, it is never fun to be humbled but it is often necessary. I am not happy about what happened but I am so grateful that events transpired in a manner that headed off something I might regret long term. Moderation is such a difficult concept for me. Just more proof that I will continue to be a student in this life.
May you have a blessed and peaceful day. May you make decisions and changes that will bring joy, love, and laughter to you and those you love.
Then I started to think, I really have been very anxious and stressed lately. There is no reason for me to be that way. Life is good. I don't really have alot to worry about. So what was going on? Perhaps I was developing an anxiety disorder? Maybe I was going to need meds? What was I going to do? The more anxious I was, the more the kids, surprise surprise, were acting out resulting in momma being even more tightly wound. Seriously, not a recipe for success and happiness. In fact, we are spinning out of control quickly.
It couldn't be depression. I was still really productive. I am doing 3 runs a week, two of average length and run huge mondo run. I was kicking butt at my insanely intense two boot camp classes. In addition, I was making the effort to get the kids to the park, cleaning the house, keeping up with the shopping, starting spring cleaning, blah, blah, blah.
(Okay, okay, so it is completely obvious NOW. Hindsight is great but when you are in the midst of a maelstrom, you just hold on for dear life.)
I love my husband. He is an amazing man. He is warm, kind, loving, and supportive. But he is also very courageous. Have you ever had the courage to tell someone completely fixated on a goal something they did not want to hear, someone who is so passionate, so zealous to reach a goal that they become single focused to the point of craziness? My wonderful husband said to me, "Honey, I think you have to look at the very real possibility that you are overtraining." Nooooo!!! Not that. But he was right.
It has been too much. I am exhausted and spent. I was not allowing myself to recover so each day it was a little worse. Each day I woke up worse off then the day before. Right now I am feeling a bit ran over by a truck. But it is getting better.
This is another lesson in moderation. It appears to be a very hard lesson for me to learn. Life hasmany parts that come together and form our existence holistically. If one thing is out of whack, it all quickly goes out of whack. A few little decisions can shoot us careening down an unwanted path. It often takes longer than we would like and more damage than we are comfortable with before we make the necessary corrections.
Now let's talk about the damage. This is the vulnerable, authentic, and humiliating part. Due to my black and white thinking, my refusal to see the bigger picture have been failing my children and forcing them to deal with a momma they did not deserve. I have been crabby, impatient, even intolerant. I have become irriated, even angry over things that I know to be simply age appropriate behaviors. According to my husband, I held back in action but in thought I was thinking hateful things. And my poor, sensitive babies responded in kind. The worse I became, the more they acted out, and that just made me more irritated. I could cry over how unloving and ungracious I have acted. These have not been my best momma moments but I have definately learned some hard lessons. What it comes down to is what affects me affects them and I am the adult so I better get my act together.
The very realization of the true problem lifted a huge burden off my shoulders. I cancelled today and tomorrow's workout. I went to the good grocery store and bought the food we should be eating. I have spent time today prepping and cooking and will spend more time tomorrow. Mainly, I have spent time with my precious babies. We have laughed, sang, and cuddled. They have helped me cook and clean up. It has been a wonderful day.
As far as the half marathon goes, oh it is still on like Donkey Kong but modified. I am dropping the two boot camp classes and I will replace it with one day of good solid lifting. I will be aware from now on to the possibility of changing things around to accomodate my life and my family.
Looking back, the irritation with my children should have been a major warning that something was really wrong. If you knew me personally you would know that in general I am not necessarily a patient person and I am not one to suffer fools gladly. I am quick, (Isn't that a pleasant way to put it?) However, for some bizarre reason completely unknown and not understood by me, I have a crazy amount of patience and tolerance for my children. Huge messes that would send most mommas nutty are simply endearing to me. Hey, we can clean up together and that will be fun. Childish and age appropraite antics usually catch me trying to hide my smile because I know that they really do need to be corrected and redirected but they are so dang cute and funny! These ugly feelings surrounding my beautiful babies were completely unnatural to me. I was growing more uncomfortable in my skin and with life every day.
I guess the point of this story is to be open to really analyzing your life. Think hard and deep about what is going on with you. Think about your stresses, anxieties, the general tone of your life and find out if a couple of changes could improve it. In the past I have found that major issues could often be overcome by relatively simple and small changes either in habits, mindset, or both.
For me, it is never fun to be humbled but it is often necessary. I am not happy about what happened but I am so grateful that events transpired in a manner that headed off something I might regret long term. Moderation is such a difficult concept for me. Just more proof that I will continue to be a student in this life.
May you have a blessed and peaceful day. May you make decisions and changes that will bring joy, love, and laughter to you and those you love.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Struggling
Alright, this blog is all about honesty so here it is. I am really struggling right now. There are all kinds of little things coming together to culminate is some bizarre, farcical rendition of Mr Toad's Wild Ride. First my training is HARD. Did I mention hard? Running 8 miles just exhausts me. Logan is into everything. He has learned to manipulate the child gates. Did I mention he is only 21 months old?? He is seriously a walking mess maker that hits when he is angry. Oh and does he get angry. Hannah is coming on her half year disequilibrium (3 1/2) and life has become dramatic, argumentative, whiny, and LOUD. The house is more of a mess than I am comfortable with on a daily basis. Eating healthy whole foods is proving to be a challenge. And we are going to buy a new car. I am actually excited about the last but serious even though it is well thought, planned, and we can afford it, the idea of spending the money it will take to buy a mid sized suv makes me want to vomit. Basically life is crazy and a bit rough.
Now that I have thrown out all the problems on the table, I guess I need to figure out what to do about them. I am a doer and I cannot just let them hang out. Drives me nuts. First and foremost, I am maintaining a positive attitude or desperately trying to each day. I know that makes me sound like Miss Suzy Sunshine on Prozac but seriously, what will getting all down, pouty, and weepy do for me?? Nothing, so I am going with forced cheeriness when necessary. It isn't fake if you admit to it, upfront and wholeheartedly.
The training is what it is. I knew it would be hard. I have never run this hard or this much in my life. Truthfully, it wouldn't mean very much if it was easy. So I shall continue on with my plan. OH, and be oh so very grateful that my husband rocks and is crazy supportive in all of this.
The kids, that is a biggie. We don't spank, don't yell, don't shame but honestly, these are the times that the rubber hits the road on these convictions. These are the times that test how serious you are about the whole thing. Well, we are that serious. One of the biggest problems has been screen time, for everyone including momma. I somehow went from not being okay at all with tv for kids to allowing them to watch absolutely sickening amounts. And now Hannah wants to play on the computer. One of the things all this enabled me to do was to spend far too much time on the computer. Well, we are all on strict lockdown. They are now limited to 1/2 hour in the morning and 1/2 hour after nap. I have put myself on a strict schedule as well. This will help, after the withdrawals, with alot of the drama around here. We already back to more reading, more crafts, and more time together. I love it and so do the kids.
The house just has to be as it is. It isn't scary filthy just not to my standards. Obviously, it is time to drop those standards for awhile. I am going to take this as another lesson in adjusting and being flexible for the season of life. Then I will indulge in a madcap spring cleaning spree in May. That will be happy.
Food is a tricky one, something has to give. You can eat nasty food for quick and cheap. Not going to do that. I am not going to work out this hard to trash my body. You can eat cheap and healthy if you are willing to put in the time to prep and do the work. Well, right now time is at a premium. So we are left with the only good option, we are going to eat healthy food prepped by someone else that costs a silly amount of money. It is only for 7-8 weeks so it is doable for right now. But it hurst my frugal little heart a bit.
As far as the car, I really am excited. We are looking at a Kia Sorrento or a Hyandai Verracruz. We are a super active and on the go family and we need more room to support that lifestyle. Also, I really want to be able to take mama and papa with us to things like the Forest Park Balloon Glow and the Our Lady of the Snow lights at Christmas. The kids adore spending time with them. It isn't a bad thing to hesitate before spending such a large sum of money. It makes you really think before you do it.
So it is a crazy time in life but there are still a myriad of opportunities to be intentional and grow. Maintaining a good attitude has been crucial. I am happy to see we are standing firm in our parenting convictions even when times are super tough. We will get through this and we will be better for it on the other side. Good times are great and wonderful. I love them. But it is during the tough times, the hard times, you can come to understand you are stronger and more flexible than you thought or if you find it hard, it points out where you need to change. That is always a wonderful thing when you look back on it.
Now that I have thrown out all the problems on the table, I guess I need to figure out what to do about them. I am a doer and I cannot just let them hang out. Drives me nuts. First and foremost, I am maintaining a positive attitude or desperately trying to each day. I know that makes me sound like Miss Suzy Sunshine on Prozac but seriously, what will getting all down, pouty, and weepy do for me?? Nothing, so I am going with forced cheeriness when necessary. It isn't fake if you admit to it, upfront and wholeheartedly.
The training is what it is. I knew it would be hard. I have never run this hard or this much in my life. Truthfully, it wouldn't mean very much if it was easy. So I shall continue on with my plan. OH, and be oh so very grateful that my husband rocks and is crazy supportive in all of this.
The kids, that is a biggie. We don't spank, don't yell, don't shame but honestly, these are the times that the rubber hits the road on these convictions. These are the times that test how serious you are about the whole thing. Well, we are that serious. One of the biggest problems has been screen time, for everyone including momma. I somehow went from not being okay at all with tv for kids to allowing them to watch absolutely sickening amounts. And now Hannah wants to play on the computer. One of the things all this enabled me to do was to spend far too much time on the computer. Well, we are all on strict lockdown. They are now limited to 1/2 hour in the morning and 1/2 hour after nap. I have put myself on a strict schedule as well. This will help, after the withdrawals, with alot of the drama around here. We already back to more reading, more crafts, and more time together. I love it and so do the kids.
The house just has to be as it is. It isn't scary filthy just not to my standards. Obviously, it is time to drop those standards for awhile. I am going to take this as another lesson in adjusting and being flexible for the season of life. Then I will indulge in a madcap spring cleaning spree in May. That will be happy.
Food is a tricky one, something has to give. You can eat nasty food for quick and cheap. Not going to do that. I am not going to work out this hard to trash my body. You can eat cheap and healthy if you are willing to put in the time to prep and do the work. Well, right now time is at a premium. So we are left with the only good option, we are going to eat healthy food prepped by someone else that costs a silly amount of money. It is only for 7-8 weeks so it is doable for right now. But it hurst my frugal little heart a bit.
As far as the car, I really am excited. We are looking at a Kia Sorrento or a Hyandai Verracruz. We are a super active and on the go family and we need more room to support that lifestyle. Also, I really want to be able to take mama and papa with us to things like the Forest Park Balloon Glow and the Our Lady of the Snow lights at Christmas. The kids adore spending time with them. It isn't a bad thing to hesitate before spending such a large sum of money. It makes you really think before you do it.
So it is a crazy time in life but there are still a myriad of opportunities to be intentional and grow. Maintaining a good attitude has been crucial. I am happy to see we are standing firm in our parenting convictions even when times are super tough. We will get through this and we will be better for it on the other side. Good times are great and wonderful. I love them. But it is during the tough times, the hard times, you can come to understand you are stronger and more flexible than you thought or if you find it hard, it points out where you need to change. That is always a wonderful thing when you look back on it.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
What Running Has Taught Me About Life
So I am training for a half marathon so I spending alot of my time, well, running. It also gives me a great deal of time to think. I have not been a runner very long, maybe 3 years but it has quickly become a very important part of my life. I have learned many lessons that made my running more efficient, more enjoyable, and better able to serve my health and life. I have found that these lessons can easily transfer to life.
Lesson #1 You are competing against yourself not against the person on the next treadmill or near you on the race course. Technically, if you are racing I guess you are sort of competing against the person next to you but not really. Some of you may be elite athletes that have the ability to take a top prize in a field of 20,000 but I don't. My race, my competition is really about me. Can I beat my time? Can I get a better split? etc. Life is like that too. Stop competing with the lives of people around you and live your life the very best you can. You have no reason to live up to them. None.
Lesson #2 You have to put in the time. For the most part, people just can't wake up one morning as say, "Hmmm I don't have much to do today. I think I will go run 13 plus miles.", especially if they have never run as a practice before. Getting to that goal means hours and hours of just pounding pavement or the treadmill belt due to this wicked winter. You have to put in the time and allow you mind and body to make the slow steps to reach their goals. I find the same is true in life, you have to be willing to do the work. I know a few amazing people who have the coolest dreams but they NEVER succeed. Why? Because they are not willing to do the work each day to achieve them. Once it turns to work they lose interest or motivation. The daily grind is what will truly make the difference.
Lesson #3 You have to learn to relax This has proven to be crazy important to running longer and longer distances. When I first started running I would tense up in my shoulders, neck, and upper back. I guess the stress and strain of this new physicality was settling there. It made the run so hard and often left me with a headache. Then one day, I learned I had to consciously and deliberately relax those muscles. It was hard! But I used to yoga techniques to focus my breath and release those muscles. I was going for a sort of loose, rangy feel. Then one day it clicked and FREEDOM! It was incredible. All of a sudden I had more energy and endurance. My runs refreshed me rather than leaving me achey and sick feeling. I now relax unconsciously when I feel that tensions. Life is pretty much like that too. If we insist on living in a hyper state of anxiety, tension, and worry, it quickly affects our health, our attitude, our lives! Learning to relax and deliberately release tension can combat these negative affects. In any situation, you can only do what you can do. After that worry is not productive. I have found yoga and hooping to be of the utmost importance for this. What can I say? I love to be totally Zenned out.
Lesson #4 You have to treat your injuries properly You are running great. You are making it to all of your runs. Your time is fabulous. Then you feel that tendon or muscle pull. Nooooooo!!! It is so very uncool. But the worst thing you can do is to tough it out. Eventually, you will do more damage and force yourself into a longer recovery. You have to take care of these injuries, if that means ice your foot, do it. If it means completely rest for 6 weeks, you better do it if you want to heal. Life throws some nasty curve balls. Sometimes things happen and it is bad. Sometimes, we don't even bear a teeny tiny particle of responsibility for situations we now must deal with. This is where self care comes to play. I have found that many women, especially those who are wives and mothers, take some of the worst care of themselves. They put everyone else first and neglect their spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical health. Then the inevitable happens....crash and burnout! It doesn't have to get to that point. Take care of yourself! Whatever that means to you. In fact, preventative care, of both injuries and burnout, should fall under this lesson. Learn it! Live it! Fall in love with it!
Lesson #5 You have to show up This could fall under putting in the time but I think it is different enough and uber important. No matter what you do, if you don't show up and run, what is the point? So I beg of you, show up to your life! Get away from the tv, shut the computer down, turn you phones off, whatever you have to do and show up huge for your life. Please don't be the person at the zoo glued to Facebook while your children BEG for you to pay attention. They will stop begging eventually and you will have missed out on something wonderful. Please don't choose to watch untold hours of tv and then claim you don't have time to workout, eat healthy, spend more time witht he kids, whatever. I want you to get to the end of your life and say, "Wow, I had an amazing life!!" not, "Wow, I watched ALOT of tv and computer screens." I promise you will want to say the first one.
So that is it, some of the lessons I have learned from running. I hope you get something out of it. If not, you can just be grateful this was not a year form now. If it was the title would have been "Out of the Blue Bloody, Nasty Diaper Rashes andWhat I Have Learned From Them".
Peace, Love, and Joyful Hooping!
Lesson #1 You are competing against yourself not against the person on the next treadmill or near you on the race course. Technically, if you are racing I guess you are sort of competing against the person next to you but not really. Some of you may be elite athletes that have the ability to take a top prize in a field of 20,000 but I don't. My race, my competition is really about me. Can I beat my time? Can I get a better split? etc. Life is like that too. Stop competing with the lives of people around you and live your life the very best you can. You have no reason to live up to them. None.
Lesson #2 You have to put in the time. For the most part, people just can't wake up one morning as say, "Hmmm I don't have much to do today. I think I will go run 13 plus miles.", especially if they have never run as a practice before. Getting to that goal means hours and hours of just pounding pavement or the treadmill belt due to this wicked winter. You have to put in the time and allow you mind and body to make the slow steps to reach their goals. I find the same is true in life, you have to be willing to do the work. I know a few amazing people who have the coolest dreams but they NEVER succeed. Why? Because they are not willing to do the work each day to achieve them. Once it turns to work they lose interest or motivation. The daily grind is what will truly make the difference.
Lesson #3 You have to learn to relax This has proven to be crazy important to running longer and longer distances. When I first started running I would tense up in my shoulders, neck, and upper back. I guess the stress and strain of this new physicality was settling there. It made the run so hard and often left me with a headache. Then one day, I learned I had to consciously and deliberately relax those muscles. It was hard! But I used to yoga techniques to focus my breath and release those muscles. I was going for a sort of loose, rangy feel. Then one day it clicked and FREEDOM! It was incredible. All of a sudden I had more energy and endurance. My runs refreshed me rather than leaving me achey and sick feeling. I now relax unconsciously when I feel that tensions. Life is pretty much like that too. If we insist on living in a hyper state of anxiety, tension, and worry, it quickly affects our health, our attitude, our lives! Learning to relax and deliberately release tension can combat these negative affects. In any situation, you can only do what you can do. After that worry is not productive. I have found yoga and hooping to be of the utmost importance for this. What can I say? I love to be totally Zenned out.
Lesson #4 You have to treat your injuries properly You are running great. You are making it to all of your runs. Your time is fabulous. Then you feel that tendon or muscle pull. Nooooooo!!! It is so very uncool. But the worst thing you can do is to tough it out. Eventually, you will do more damage and force yourself into a longer recovery. You have to take care of these injuries, if that means ice your foot, do it. If it means completely rest for 6 weeks, you better do it if you want to heal. Life throws some nasty curve balls. Sometimes things happen and it is bad. Sometimes, we don't even bear a teeny tiny particle of responsibility for situations we now must deal with. This is where self care comes to play. I have found that many women, especially those who are wives and mothers, take some of the worst care of themselves. They put everyone else first and neglect their spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical health. Then the inevitable happens....crash and burnout! It doesn't have to get to that point. Take care of yourself! Whatever that means to you. In fact, preventative care, of both injuries and burnout, should fall under this lesson. Learn it! Live it! Fall in love with it!
Lesson #5 You have to show up This could fall under putting in the time but I think it is different enough and uber important. No matter what you do, if you don't show up and run, what is the point? So I beg of you, show up to your life! Get away from the tv, shut the computer down, turn you phones off, whatever you have to do and show up huge for your life. Please don't be the person at the zoo glued to Facebook while your children BEG for you to pay attention. They will stop begging eventually and you will have missed out on something wonderful. Please don't choose to watch untold hours of tv and then claim you don't have time to workout, eat healthy, spend more time witht he kids, whatever. I want you to get to the end of your life and say, "Wow, I had an amazing life!!" not, "Wow, I watched ALOT of tv and computer screens." I promise you will want to say the first one.
So that is it, some of the lessons I have learned from running. I hope you get something out of it. If not, you can just be grateful this was not a year form now. If it was the title would have been "Out of the Blue Bloody, Nasty Diaper Rashes andWhat I Have Learned From Them".
Peace, Love, and Joyful Hooping!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Passing the Time in Deep Winter
Today I am truly not sure if I have nothing to say or everything to say. I just want to write. It is deep winter here in Missouri. It is cold and icy. Me and the nature kids are not digging it. We need to be outside exploring and sink into the natural world, preferably the warm natural world. We are all a little cranky and alot unsettled. One thing brightened my mood, I was reading an climate report for our area and it said although it can be very cold, our winter is relatively short. When I think about it objectively I understand that is true. When I am cold and have cabin fever I know that it is going to last forever!!!! So I am focused on passing the time hopefully with some joy.
I am in the process of acquiring some pen pals. I am talking honest to goodness letter writing people. I will write them a letter. They will write me a latter. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Hopefully. That is how is should work. I love writing old fashioned letters. Now I am going to write them to strangers and hopefully they will be very cool, groovy, hip mommas in their own special way. I am looking forward to it!
The training for the half marathon is crazy. It is good but oh my goodness what have I done. I am starting to move into the middle part. The intial zeal is worn off and the race is not imminent. I think this is the most important part, the daily grind. My job is to show up and do my schedule. Mother Nature has tried to thwart me but I keep showing up. I missed two work out due to ice and sort of freaked. I have momentum, don't blow it! I am learning alot from this experience. I am really pondering and studying mental toughness. I think that is the key. Actually, I think mental toughness and self discipline is the key to life not just a race.
Hooping. I long more than you can imagine to grab my hoop daily and hoop outside. But it is too stinking cold! So I go to hoop jams and workshops. I am super excited about the next workshop from the St Louis Hoop Club. It will be four part and have things like belly dance, poi, hoop fusion, and other somethings. It is called Circus Fusion.
So this is me trying to get through the deep winter with a real smile on my face, joy in my heart, and sanity in tact. It just might work. Like everything, it is a time of learning. I am seeing beauty in the ordinary. There is so much incredible wonderfulness as my toddler laughs and runs away from me just begging me to chase. And the wonder, it is spectacular. My beautiful 3 year old angel sit in the window and watches the snow. Delight lights up her eyes and she says, "Momma, its snowing. It is beautiful. Merry Christmas!" Okay its February but who cares? She is so stinking amazing. So I guess I am passing the time this in deep winter with goals, dreams, and the beyond belief blessings of family.
I am in the process of acquiring some pen pals. I am talking honest to goodness letter writing people. I will write them a letter. They will write me a latter. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Hopefully. That is how is should work. I love writing old fashioned letters. Now I am going to write them to strangers and hopefully they will be very cool, groovy, hip mommas in their own special way. I am looking forward to it!
The training for the half marathon is crazy. It is good but oh my goodness what have I done. I am starting to move into the middle part. The intial zeal is worn off and the race is not imminent. I think this is the most important part, the daily grind. My job is to show up and do my schedule. Mother Nature has tried to thwart me but I keep showing up. I missed two work out due to ice and sort of freaked. I have momentum, don't blow it! I am learning alot from this experience. I am really pondering and studying mental toughness. I think that is the key. Actually, I think mental toughness and self discipline is the key to life not just a race.
Hooping. I long more than you can imagine to grab my hoop daily and hoop outside. But it is too stinking cold! So I go to hoop jams and workshops. I am super excited about the next workshop from the St Louis Hoop Club. It will be four part and have things like belly dance, poi, hoop fusion, and other somethings. It is called Circus Fusion.
So this is me trying to get through the deep winter with a real smile on my face, joy in my heart, and sanity in tact. It just might work. Like everything, it is a time of learning. I am seeing beauty in the ordinary. There is so much incredible wonderfulness as my toddler laughs and runs away from me just begging me to chase. And the wonder, it is spectacular. My beautiful 3 year old angel sit in the window and watches the snow. Delight lights up her eyes and she says, "Momma, its snowing. It is beautiful. Merry Christmas!" Okay its February but who cares? She is so stinking amazing. So I guess I am passing the time this in deep winter with goals, dreams, and the beyond belief blessings of family.
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