Quiet Change

Yesterday on a relatively ordinary day two things happened without fanfare, without noise that could very well my change my life. It is strange to sit here calm and content with the knowledge that something quite large has occurred. Strange but lovely. The two things were we decided to go vegetarian and I went to a meditation seminar.

Let's tackle the easier of the two first. I have been a vegetarian on and off for years. I think the longest was 5ish years. I don't really know. My mind prefers to not think in an overtly linear manner. Hee hee, it seems my mind has a mind of its own. Oh yes, I do think I am funny. Anywho, yep anywho, I just prefer it. It is the right choice for me. I am not going to start on a crusade to let you know why you need to join me. Nope, I am not about that. Each person makes their own choice. But for me I feel better physically, mentally, and spiritually. Maybe someday I will go all wild and crazy and go vegan. Or maybe not, this is the right choice for this moment.

Okay, the second is just really hard for me to put into words. I am fairly sure that whatever I say will be very simplistic, childlike even and that is okay. The truth is I am a total newbie at this stuff and I will treat myself with great deal of love, compassion, and laughter. It is best, don't you think? But I will give it a whirl to even start putting this into words.

Yesterday I went to a meditation seminar. I have really increased and deepened my practice in yoga and this seemed the natural next step. I have caught glimpses of what could be in shiva asana but it was rare. Rare but beautiful and enticing to learn more. So off I bee bopped to learn to meditate.

I could try to lay it out step by step, moment by moment but I don't think I will. I walked out of that studio a changed woman. The depth of my calm was astounding. What I experienced is very hard to put into words that won't deprive the experience of the magnitude that was. I think one thing to say is that for fractions of seonds, very very small fractions, I achieved clarity. About what? No idea. But it was there and it was absolutely breathtaking. Silly to write a blog post about something you don't have words for but there you go. I do love me some silly.

This morning I awoke calm and content. I wish I could report I stayed that way but no I did not. First off, we had become vegetarian!! That meant a complete menu change. Also, for us that still means whole food vegetarian which translates into alot of prep work. I spent my day cooking, cutting, prepping, and cleaning. I found myself easily frustrating and irritated. My emotions threatened to swamp and overwhelm me. Then I realized the problem, I had experienced something huge yesterday. That kind of experience is often followed by the dredging up of big, not always pleasant emotions and can leave your overwrought and wrung out. Must have grace for oneself!

Thankfully I found some time to myself this afternoon. I was able to do a short yoga session and then meditate for the first time on my own. It was hard! It is going to take alot of discpline, loving, kind discipline. My mind cracks me up as it flits and prances here and there. I set a timer so I would not have to look at a clock. I made it, I stayed there until my timer went off. I feel exponentially better.

Who knows, this may be a fad for me. I think it is not but I cannot guarantee it with certainty and I won't try. I do believe I have the discipline and mental brawn to stay the course. It also feels like a very natural progression in my path.

My path has really been opening up and evolving lately. Each day I become more who I am meant to be. I find myself going back to my liberal, hippie-ish roots and I am so very happy here. I feel my life, heart, and spirit blossoming and expanding without the bonds of social conformity. I would not have believed I was conforming but each day I see that I was and I just don't want to anymore.

Peace and Namaste

My Life Thus Far....

Doesn't that sound deliciously pretentious? I rather like it. It is somewhat right on point however. Since leaving the world of social media I have felt as if my life has returned. It has been much fun and made me a bit sad I wasted so much of it. But no reason to fret about the past. This is about the present.

Well, first I fell into a bit of a funk. We have been having some rather large life stresses here at the Elvert household. They have resolved themselves rather satisfactorily for the most part but now the anxiety and other negative emotions have sort of crashed down out of their holding pattern. We are systematically digging our way out of that mess and joy is returning in full force.

I am beyond excited because my absolute bestie Jen has become a sahm. This move has resulted in many wonderful changes in her life. She is loving it. But since the world, or at least this blog, revolves around the brightest shining star in the firmament, namely me, the greatest benefit I see is I have been able to spend much more time in her beauteous presence. This is a wondrous and beautiful thing. This woman flat out nurtures and refreshes me. She is the person I never mind how much strength, joy, or positive energy she may need from me because she always returns it tenfold. Glorious I tell you. I am a better person for knowing her. She is the bomb, you know?

Another big thing is I am really into the whole unschooling thing. I LOVE it. I want my children to be life learners. Now whatever objections you may have, I must be honest, I don't really care to hear them. This method works for our family now and we will change direction when it stops working for us. I think that should be the motto for most families, don't you?

One off shoot of this knew found love of an unusual education philosophy is the new proliferation of classic literature in our home. You must understand something, I love classic literature. Shakespeare, Dickens, Milton, Homer, and so many more are old, old friends of mine. But in the years following the birth of my children my brain turned to something more resembling warm mush than a steel trap filled with lightening fast intellect. If you don't know, classics take quite a bit more work than my fave trashy urban fantasy reads.I have to think more. So hard, don't you agree?? But unschooling means I will strive to live out the notion that I will strive to be the person I want my children to become. So be it, enter the challnging literature. I think I am going to learn Italian next year. I will be going the Rosetta Stone path. I have heard good things and there is a dearth of classes in my immediate vicinity. Hopefully in a year my children will occasionally allow me 15 minutes uninterrupted. I doubt it but hope springs eternal.

What else? What else? The weather is amazing for February but I am hungering for the true warmth and earth- scented green of spring. It makes my spirit sing with joy and my soul come alive. I fairly hum with beauty of it and I LOVE it.

Finally, I am very excited because we bought tickets to Quiddam by Cirque du Soleil. I am giddy because they are floor seats. The are stomach turning expensive but we only do this once a year and it is an ultimate pleasure for me and it seems my husband just really likes for me to be happy. I danced for two days after the purchase. Now i just have to wait 4 months (seriously???) for the date to arrive. Patience is good and all, right?

So there you have it. A little rambly, slightly silly, and quite babbly but I guess that describes me right now so it is apt.

Early Days

I am amazed how much my brain was fogged and distracted. My head is clearing rapidly and it is amazing. The closest thing I can compare it too is being drugged. My senses and thought processes had really become that dulled and fuzzy. Amazing. Just amazing.

So what I am doing with my new found clarity? Lots of things, actually.

The kids and I have been crafting up a storm. We made lots of decorations for Valentine's Day which they are fascinated with for some reason. We have hung hearts all over the house with heart garland. Logan is extremely proud of his creations. I love that. I also started to teach them very beginning needlepoint. I bought burlap, yarn, plastic needles, and embroidery hoops. It worked out extremely well. Hannah really focused on her project for a long time. I am going to pull out some iron ons this afternoon and prep an embroidery project for myself. I am not wanted to knit right now but embroidering some tea towels is enticing. I want to make and embroidery some new pillows for the living room but I need to practice.

Cooking has been going strong. Aside from the daily whole food prep and cooking, I have tried some new things. My first batch of homemade Greek yogurt is going strong. Sadly, I believe my first attempt at whole wheat English muffins is going to be a bust. Oh well, it is the first time I have ever worked with yeast so it is a learning experience.

I have been reading and writing a great deal more. I am filling my journal with many of the thoughts and speculations bursting forth. I love to see the pages fill up with not-so-neat writing. The not-so-neat part indicates I am passionate and excited, too het up to pay too much attention to penmanship. As it should be. I am reading two wonderful books, "A Simple Path" by Mother Thereasa and "Trick of Light" by Louise Penny. Both are excellent so far.

Other than that I am just spending time with the kids. We laugh alot, dance, sing, and cuddle. And we talk, and talk, and talk. I have two children that may just talk more than me. You can all feel very sad for John because I am not sure he will ever get another word in a conversation in this house. Poor guy.

I have been able to really think about the schooling choices we are making for a children. Unschooling is working extremely well for us right now and I believe it will for some time to come. I am so grateful I am in the right place to really think about all of this. It is truly a gift.

Overall, I am having a great time and enjoying myself. I wish this for every, single, one of you.

Why I Am Leaving Facebook

I believe our strengths and weaknesses are balanced out for the most part. If we have a particularly weakness we also hold the strength to counteract it within ourselves. Sort of like the idea that most natural poisons have natural antidotes that tend to grow near them. Now I have several flaws but one in particular I want to focus on today. I do not seem to be able to self moderate.

This problem of mine concerning the inability to moderate comes up again and again. I have no control of my sugar intake. I either eat extremely well or like a dog digging the garbage that is junk food. It slaps me around quite often. But coupled with this problem I have been gifted with a fairly strong self will. Or in terms many parents (not me) fear, I am strong willed. This is a very, very good thing. I cannot moderate my sugar intake but I do have the resolve to be sugar free. I choose to eat extremely well. And so on and so forth.

How does this relate to my leaving Facebook? I have the inability to limit my time spent there and it is interfering with my life. And that is unacceptable. I cannot believe the time I have allowed myself to waste there. It is really an addiction if I am being honest.

I have noticed for some time now I am not reading as much as I would like and I have not been writing either. I have always been a voracious reader. It is a part of who I am. I love writing, be it journaling, writing letters, blogging, what have you, I love it. But I have not been doing it. Noticing my veering away from these two loves was my first clue something was wrong. It made me think, but not too deeply.

The next thing that arose was the issues I was having with quieting my mind. I have been studying yoga, meditating, doing many things in order to calm my mind and gain greater control over my thoughts and the direction of my mind. But still, there were times it just raced. I could not stop it. I ran into a suggestion to not get on the computer first thing in the morning. Lo and behold, it worked. My mind was much more calm. The days I avoided it my mind was exponentially calmer. But I was not able to avoid it every day and those days stunk.

Then there is the clue that humiliated me when it finally dawned on me. I am ashamed to admit I found my children to be irritating when they interrupted my time on the computer, specifically my time on Facebook. I cannot believe I had become so self-centered but I really had. The reason I stay home is to be with my children, not peek into the lives of my 300 plus friends and all the companies and other “likes” that go along with Facebook.

I now realize Facebook, for some people, can be one of the most narcissistic conduits out there and I fell for it. I really did. When I announced I would be deactivating my account I had many wonderful, lovely people tell me my posts were inspirational and they enjoyed them. For half a second my inner narcissistic self focused persona considered not leaving because I liked the accolades. Seriously, those thoughts shook me to the core and I was not very happy with myself. Facebook if obviously not for someone of my temperament. I hope to maintain my self imposed banishment and not succumb to the siren’s lure calling me.

Today we went and bought craft supplies to make Valentine’s for people in our lives and decorations for our house. We bought the burlap and yarn I am going to use to teach my babies needlepoint. I have pulled out the transfers so I can iron on some needlework for myself onto tea towels. I have new in the round knitting needles that are waiting to be dipped in hot water so I can turn out a new hat. I have the ingredients to make homemade yogurt and English muffins this weekend. These are the things I need to be doing. These are the things I truly WANT to be doing. I do not WANT to sit transfixed for hours as life happens around me. I think it is so very sad I allowed it to happen.

Please understand my accusations are directed solely and only to me. I know many people who can handle Facebook and other social media networks and make it work for them. I am just not one of them. So please don’t think I am passive aggressively trying to hold up a mirror to anyone. I have my hands full with my own mirror.

Strange Day

I have been very productive and active recently. We have stayed on top of our schedule and so through to completion things needing to be done. I have upped my workouts and they are kicking my butt. It is a good thing. I love it. But I am tired so I decided to take the day off to rest.

My goodness, it has sucked.

The kids and I are all feeling wimpy and whiny. I think we may all be on the verge of throwing fits. We are NOT on our best behavior, not one little bit. It is pretty brutal around here.

If you know me, you will know I can let this experience go by without examining it. It isn't in my nature. Once a dear friend said, "Karen, sometimes you are just in a bad mood and that is the way it is. Don't you agree?" I gave a resounding no to that. I believe my moods always have a starting point, a seed they have grown from to blossom into whatever they choose to be.

First, I am going to let my little ones off the hook. I am pretty sure this whole day can be dumped at my door for the reason. I am empathic and feel other people's emotions. I have given birth to two gorgeous babes who are also affected by other people's emotion. Not surprisingly, they are probably most affected by the emotions of moi. Suprise. Suprise. Right?

So they are off the hook. Poor things are just channeling momma.

I am fairly exhausted. Like I said above I have really increased the intensity of my workouts. I have a plan for my first year of my 40's but that is a different post. What I think is truly the matter is I have been digging deep spiritually. I have spent more time practicing yoga, meditating, and praying. Actually, it is a great time of growth for me and it is wonderful. But in all things with the good comes the bad. I have found a lot of yuck and nastiness coming out that must be dealt with decisively. Baggage, old emotions suppressed, questions, fears, many things have come to light. In the end, it will be a very good thing to deal with and slough off these negative things but it is exhausting right now.

But then I ran into a little gem of wisdom. I am still chewing on it and thinking about it. Here it is,

"Do not allow yourself to fall apart or it will become a habit. Practice being strong."

The quote is from Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Just want to give credit, you know.

Anyway, it is very timely for today. I am really feeling awash in negative emotions. It would be easy to lie down and just fall apart a little. But would that do any good? Would that care for my children? Would that care for my soul, my spirit? No, it would just leave me feeling defeated and more exhausted. So I need to practice being strong.

Now I do not believe this means I need to repress or deny my emotions. They are what they are. They need to be dealt with or they will, ultimately, control me whether I realize it or not. But I can choose how I deal with them and at what speed. I can say, today I will deal with the idea of guilt and shame over this particular failing or perceived failing. When I have dealt with that I am going to take a break and then maybe deal with something else, if I am up to it.

There is some pretty serious upheaval going on in my head. I think there will be some things I won't want to confront or seriously consider but I must. If I don't, I think I will be stagnant in my growth and the result will be more akin to chasing my own tail rather than continuing on the journey and path I know I am meant to explore.

I am just grateful I trust God will give me the strength and the wisdom to persevere and see this through.

Really??? Not Again

Okay this is not a very well thought out post. In fact, this post is more therapy and a sounding board for the very unwelcome thoughts in my mind. So if you want to turn back now, go ahead. Not a problem.

For those of you who stayed, don't you just hate when you become exactly what you have railed against? You know that thing that most irks you and gets under your skin, the one that just rakes your spine like a nails on a chalkboard? (Do they even have those anymore?) Yeah, that thing and then you are bopping along one day and you look into the mirror to put on some simply gorgeous glittery pink lip gloss and instead of seeing lips that need some sparkle you are confronted with a monster. Some yucky thing you never realized you had become.

My monster is that lately I have become a judgemental know it all who presumes to know everyone's story better than they do and feels the need to share my "knowledge".

Blech. Ick.

Look, I value bluntness. I think truth in love is a wonderful and needed thing but lately I have been ridiculous. My haughty arrogance has done nothing but show my ignorance and I will admit, I don't like it. I feel all naked and stuff. Very uncool if you know what I mean.

My biggest stumbling block is difficult partners. I have this issue in a variety of ares but parnters is my pet gripe. I have no problem telling someone exactly what I would do if my husband did this, that, or the other thing. And you know what? I really would do what I say. However, and this is a big however, there is a little catch. I believe that in most relationships one partner is simply more difficult than the other. One partner needs to be handled with a little more kid gloves and gentleness than the other. I have seen it time and again. But here is the rub, the reason MY husband would never do this or that is because I AM the difficult partner. I really am. I have always been honest about this little fact but the irony eluded me.

So where do I go from here? Well change is necessary. Kindness and compassion must come to forefront and reign sumpreme. The next time I muse to myself, "I don't know what they are thinking!" I better quickly remind myself that indeed I do NOT know and probably need to keep my judgments to myself.

So to anyone I have been haughty or behaved in a supercilious manner, I deeply apologize. I sort of feel the fool. I hope I wasn't too hurtful.

But in the long view I will just see this as another area to grow. It is another layer of onion to be peeled away. Being humbled from time to time is not a bad thing. It keeps us loving and gentle. It gives us our core of humanity. So I guess in a weird way I am glad this happened.

End therapy session and authentic (and pretty embarrassing) musings.

Priorities of a Different Path

Something on Facebook brought some thoughts to my mind. How often do I run into women who are exhausted, worn out, burnt out, overextended, and ready to cry. I would say the majority of women I know fall into this category. It was even said that everyone is overextended as if it is a simple fact of life that must be dealt with but never left behind. I am sure as we go about our daily lives, it may just feel that way. The average woman in our society has problems saying no and trouble maintaining healthy boundaries. It almost seems to be a societal conspiracy to convince her she is responsible for everyone and their emotions. I have seen the extreme in a few troubled Christian women who will not leave their abusive husbands because they are thoroughly convinced their staying and taking punches will ultimately save his soul. That is the extreme but how many women do you know neglect their health and well being in order to live up to some unreachable expectation place upon them by society and sadly, themselves? Maybe everyone, or every women, is just overextended. There is only one problem with that hypothesis.

I am not and I haven't been for quite some time.

More to the point, I know several other women who are not. These women and I refuse to follow that path. For me it leads to sadness, despair, and depression. Now matter how I strived for perfection I would always fail and it ate me up inside. So you know what I did? I quit. I refused to strap myself in to that insane rollercoaster. I have chosen a different path. And I have absolutely no regrets. None.

What I think it really comes down to is priorites. What you value in your life defines you. What you value in your life will shape every facet of your existence. It is who you are. My top three priorities shape me into my being. They are.

1. Peace in my life and in my home.
2. Relational living which means I work to have deep, meaningful relationships with my husband, my children, and the other important people in my life
3. The heath of me and my family. This includes physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.

How this all works is every step and every choice is deeply and profoundly influenced by these tenets of my life. As I said above, I used to be a terrible perfectionist. I drove myself to exhaustion. I would be cleaning my house at midnight when my body desperately needed sleep and rest. Now to maintain peace and health in my life, I still keep a fairly clean home. However, since perfect cleanliness is no longer the end goal my expectations are far more reasonable. I am much more gentle and graceful with myself.

I love feeding my family healthy whole food. I would love to feed them organic and/or grass fed everything always cooked from scratch. But it would literally drive me to distraction. While trying to hold a standard of excellence for physical health, I would stress and fret alot and ultimately sacrifice emotional and mental health. So there are compromises made to maintain the balance of needs of my entire family.

I take alot more time to myself than most of the women I know. I run, I read, I meditate, and do alot of yoga. I seek inspiration from the bible when I am feeling a bit ragged and know sometimes nothing would do my soul better than meeting a friend for coffee and laughter until I am crying with joy. I guarantee you that all the time I take drastically increases my ability to be a loving wife, mother, and friend. Not running around feeling like I am going to drop and insisting on regularly refreshing my spirit as enabled me to the person I really wanted to be even though it took me a long time to realize it.

I won't lie, there are sacrifices. We live in a much less expensive house than many of our friends. Other than a recent exception, we buy used cars. We don't eat out alot or go out on the town with friends. I have to plan and save for many of our purchases even things some people think are harmless impulse. We miss some holiday gatherings that would be really fun because I keep our committments down to a minimum. We can't do every activity or field trip. We can't run in every race nor travel as much as others.

But I am more than happy with our decisions. We love our life and we would not change it. The peace and joy we are privilege to feel every day makes it all worthwhile.

So if you love your life as it is, that is great. But if you don't, if you are constantly feeling worn and exhausted, there is another way. You can choose a different path.